Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

pollypenny

I'd never dream of taking a four year old to a funeral. As others have said, your DD could easily be upset by the sight of others crying.

It's a strange concept to say goodbye to someone and children often think that those who have died have gone to live with Jesus or become a star or something.

keep_flyin

We seemed to be going to funerals very regularly when my children were little. My husband's grandfather died when my son was 3 and my daughter 9 months, MIL wanted the children there so they went. My mum died the following year, so as they had already been to a funeral (and to a certain extent to avoid leaving them with my aunt who had (and still has) no relationship with my children) they went. We were told not to take them to my husbands grandmothers funeral, so we respected their wishes. They went to my grandmothers and my fathers as well (oldest was almost 11 at my dads and wrote the eulogy that the vicar read our and youngest read a poem for him, that made everyone cry). However when my husbands father died 3 years ago we ignored his stepmother and took both with us, oldest being 14 youngest 12 we thought they were old enough to make up their own minds.

I think if you are worried sit at the back of the church and maybe don't go to the crem or internment.

notanewuser

pollypenny wrote: »

I'd never dream of taking a four year old to a funeral. As others have said, your DD could easily be upset by the sight of others crying.

She's not 4 yet. She's very empathetic and I actually think that people being upset is a good thing for her to see. I never want her to feel she can't show her emotions. Death is sad. Her dad is mourning his grandmother. She should see that people are saddened by loss, and that its okay to cry and that these emotions are completely valid. I don't expect any wailing in the aisles.

pollypenny wrote: »

It's a strange concept to say goodbye to someone and children often think that those who have died have gone to live with Jesus or become a star or something.

Only if they're told that (as DD's cousins inevitably will be - will have that hurdle to jump too)!

victory

notanewuser wrote: »

She's not 4 yet. She's very empathetic and I actually think that people being upset is a good thing for her to see. I never want her to feel she can't show her emotions. Death is sad. Her dad is mourning his grandmother. She should see that people are saddened by loss, and that its okay to cry and that these emotions are completely valid. I don't expect any wailing in the aisles.




/QUOTE]

I see what you are saying but I do not feel that a child less than 4 years old should be exposed to funerals/ people being upset for her to show emotions, there is so much life time yet to have to feel pain, sadness and cry , shielding at such a tiny age is not such a bad thing

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

Is there a creche at the church where you could occupy the younger children whilst still listening to the service?

No idea. I may ask.

notanewuser

victory wrote: »

notanewuser wrote: »

She's not 4 yet. She's very empathetic and I actually think that people being upset is a good thing for her to see. I never want her to feel she can't show her emotions. Death is sad. Her dad is mourning his grandmother. She should see that people are saddened by loss, and that its okay to cry and that these emotions are completely valid. I don't expect any wailing in the aisles.




/QUOTE]

I see what you are saying but I do not feel that a child less than 4 years old should be exposed to funerals/ people being upset for her to show emotions, there is so much life time yet to have to feel pain, sadness and cry , shielding at such a tiny age is not such a bad thing

I don't think she should go to the funeral services either. Just pointing out that I don't think it's a bad thing for her to see us upset in the run up to it.

gingin_2

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't expect any wailing in the aisles.

I really don't think you can predict what people's emotions would be. I'm not naturally a crier, hadn't cried at funerals before, but at my grandfather's funeral I was off the second I walked in the church door, not wailing but enough that everybody noticed and commented (another story and something that still bemuses me).

If a child had been staring at me, or made a comment (there were no children there, I left mine at home with OH, something I am glad of) I would have felt awful for making that child aware and also embarrassed for myself.

sharnad

If your ready for your childs nightmares and the dissaproval of the rest of your family when she gets upset and you have to take her out then take her

notanewuser

sharnad wrote: »

If your ready for your childs nightmares and the dissaproval of the rest of your family when she gets upset and you have to take her out then take her

I'm pretty resolute now that she's not going to the crematorium. Definitely not. I still have issues with memories of my grandfather's - and I was 18.

The church service is a maybe - depends on the exact details as to whether I'll take her and sit at the back or stay out of it.

The wake we'll definitely attend.

DH tried to explain to her what had happened last night. She didn't get it at all. She understands death when it's a dead woodlouse or flower but she didn't seem to grasp what he was trying to say (and he was tripping all over the place trying not to mention hospital etc).

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

DH tried to explain to her what had happened last night. She didn't get it at all. She understands death when it's a dead woodlouse or flower but she didn't seem to grasp what he was trying to say (and he was tripping all over the place trying not to mention hospital etc).

She's 3, she isn't ready to understand it yet. Its a very profound concept to wrap your mind around even when you're an older child or teenager, that's why so many end up a bit preoccupied for a short time while they sort it all out for themselves.

I think you're making the right decision not to take her to the crematorium.