Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

moomoomama27

Person_one wrote: »

Don't agree with what? I'm not suggesting that the OP's daughter will be deep in thought about the nature of existence at the age of 3!

I doubt that. They don't tend to overthink that much at age 3! It's all about communication as a parent, so you can judge how to approach a subject like death, find ways to help them understand it in an age appropriate manner, to help them understand! It doesn't have to be heavy!

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

You might not, as an adult, but to a child learning and realising that one day they won't exist anymore, and the implications of that? It certainly is!

a younger sibling died when I was 2. My friend when I was 6. Another friend at 13. I've probably had to deal with death for longer than most!

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

I lost a younger sibling when I was 2. I've probably had to deal with death for longer than most!

Definitely. Maybe that's partly why you don't see it as 'profound' then, if you never remember a time before it was a big part of your life. Your experience was different to that of most children, including your daughter.

Most children have a dawning realisation of the reality of death that takes a bit of getting used to. It makes sense really, the idea that one day you won't think, won't feel, you'll miss everything that happens after etc etc.

Maybe I was just a morbid child though, its definitely possible.

Bluebell1000

We've taken our son who is 2 1/2 to two cremations, most recently in May. I don't really know how he'd behave at 4ish, all I can say is how he was recently. I think we made the right decision to take him, the family were very appreciative that we could all make it, and DS only got bored right at the very end, so we went to the back so he could walk up some steps. He insisted on sitting right at the front with his Grandpa! I think the family felt it helped to make a sad time a bit easier.

System

My siblings were 5,6 and 9 when my grandad died (I was 14) and to be honest I think they handled it better than I did. I was a wreck but they were very well behaved and didn't seem too distressed. Obviously it's different for everyone but sometimes i think it's possibly easier when younger as you dont always realise exactly whats happening, I don't think my siblings can even remember the funeral where as I can remember it clearly

longforgotten

Has your husband actually said he wants your daughter at the crematorium ?

meritaten

as you say - at age three they don't really connect with death and grief etc. so I doubt if any lasting harm would be done by her attending - but at the same time - she wont connect the service with her grandparent.
you know the family best - are they weepers and wailers? or stoic? if the former could a family member not attending the service but just the wake take care of her for an hour or so? as the sight of other people obviously upset may upset her - as she wont know why? if the latter she would probably get bored anyway - not much to interest a child in a funeral service so she may be happier with friends and family who are catering the wake?

Soleil_lune

Definately wouldn't take a child under 4 to a funeral: too young. Minimum would be 7.5- 8 y.o.

notanewuser

longforgotten wrote: »

Has your husband actually said he wants your daughter at the crematorium ?

We don't actually know what form the service and "body disposal" will take. Last 2 grandparents were cremated and then ashes interned.

But yes, he's said whatever form it takes he wants us all there. He's grieving though, so can't really think it through logically. He agrees with me that it might not be the best thing to do.

skintchick

I find it really odd how few people think children should understand and know about death.


My DD and I had a discussion about deatha nd what happens when you die when she 3, and at age 4 (she is just about to turn 5) she has already been to funerals and I would take her to any others we were going to without a moment's thought.

She knows how to behave in church because we go weekly, which may help, but I really think it's important that they know what death is and that people do die.

Yes, we've some awkward conversations about it but by answering her questions age-appropriately (and appropriate to her personal level of understanding) we have managed fine.

Maybe it's different for us - she has seen me experience four miscarriages and knows that our babies have died, and seen our grief and shared it, and we kept talking to her when she wanted to and she is very comfortable with teh idea that people die.

She went through a brief stage of asking if she was going to die imminently, and we exlained you never know but it was very unlikely, and she was fine with that.

I think it's far worse to shield children from death, which is simply a part of life, and then effectively spring it on them when they are older when a grandparent dies or something and they have nothing to draw upon to help them deal with it. Easier to deal with it first via people they don't know very well, or a dead animal you see on the street, or whatever, IMO.

So to answer the OP, I'd take them to the funeral.