Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

notanewuser

meritaten wrote: »

as you say - at age three they don't really connect with death and grief etc. so I doubt if any lasting harm would be done by her attending - but at the same time - she wont connect the service with her grandparent.
you know the family best - are they weepers and wailers? or stoic? if the former could a family member not attending the service but just the wake take care of her for an hour or so? as the sight of other people obviously upset may upset her - as she wont know why? if the latter she would probably get bored anyway - not much to interest a child in a funeral service so she may be happier with friends and family who are catering the wake?

The whole family will be at the funeral. If she's not there I'll have to be with her (which I'm totally happy with). No idea what this side if the family are like as I've never met them.

notanewuser

skintchick wrote: »

I find it really odd how few people think children should understand and know about death.


My DD and I had a discussion about deatha nd what happens when you die when she 3, and at age 4 (she is just about to turn 5) she has already been to funerals and I would take her to any others we were going to without a moment's thought.

She knows how to behave in church because we go weekly, which may help, but I really think it's important that they know what death is and that people do die.

Yes, we've some awkward conversations about it but by answering her questions age-appropriately (and appropriate to her personal level of understanding) we have managed fine.

Maybe it's different for us - she has seen me experience four miscarriages and knows that our babies have died, and seen our grief and shared it, and we kept talking to her when she wanted to and she is very comfortable with teh idea that people die.

She went through a brief stage of asking if she was going to die imminently, and we exlained you never know but it was very unlikely, and she was fine with that.

I think it's far worse to shield children from death, which is simply a part of life, and then effectively spring it on them when they are older when a grandparent dies or something and they have nothing to draw upon to help them deal with it. Easier to deal with it first via people they don't know very well, or a dead animal you see on the street, or whatever, IMO.

So to answer the OP, I'd take them to the funeral.

I don't want to shield her from it, but I don't want her spooked by a coffin/curtains closing and coffins being burned etc when she's going through an evident development leap around emotions.

skintchick

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't want to shield her from it, but I don't want her spooked by a coffin/curtains closing and coffins being burned etc when she's going through an evident development leap around emotions.

why should she be spooked though? If you explain beforehand what will happen, and explain again as it actually happens, there's no reason why she should be spooked.

Obviously it is totally your call, but as you asked for opinions that's mine

notanewuser

skintchick wrote: »

why should she be spooked though? If you explain beforehand what will happen, and explain again as it actually happens, there's no reason why she should be spooked.

Obviously it is totally your call, but as you asked for opinions that's mine

She's recently been watching The Never Ending Story. She loves the film, but there's a part where a horse gets swallowed up in the mud, and dies. She's watched it several times, and every time we get to that bit she properly sobs with real sadness even though she knows the horse comes back at the end of the film and is fine.

It's the stage she's going through. She feels these big emotions but can't apply logic to it. (That said, even the thought of "The Snowman" has me in tears.). If she is so upset by that,she's not going to understand a real situation with lots and lots of people she doesn't know and a dead person that's not coming back.

(When she was told off recently for scooting in the road she wanted to know why she couldn't when the 8 year old over the road could. I explained that a car might come and squash her, and that we'd be very upset to lose our little girl. "You and daddy can just make another one," she said. She doesn't understand that death is death. In 3/6/12 months it might be completely different.)

emsywoo123

My thoughts-
We spend so much of our lives dealing with heartbreak and sadness at endings, loss and death. Exposing children to these things at an earlier age isn't going to shield them from this pain as they get older. So protect them from the natural grief and raw state of emotion that such an occasion would bring.

I have broached the subject via the death of plants, then animals, tv characters, and eventually real people, but not to the extent of a funeral.

Mrs_Soup

Its a slightly awkwadrd age. I took both of mine to funerals when they were about 6 months (with teh agreement of the main mourners) and I would probably take them now at 4.5 and 7 if it was someone they were close to - like my grandmother who they are both convinced will be the first person they know to die as she is in her 90s and they wanted to go. At 2-3 I probably wouldn't have taken them if there was an alternative because they don't "get" it, won't remember it in the long term and might not behave in an appropriate way. I probably wouldn't take them to a burial even now but then I've only ever been to cremations myself.

longforgotten

For me it all hinges on what your husband wants, whether it turns out to be right or wrong is another thing. Personally I don't think your daughter will gain anything by going to a funeral at 3 years old. She will be taken to please others it seems to me. Obviously she will be sharing in a family moment but I would think it kinder for her just to be at the wake. You can explain all about it to her and that one day she will need to go but hey, I'm a lot older and there have been times when I would have liked to have stayed at home.


If the service turns out to be a celebration of their life and happy memories at the church, then that's a different matter. I've been to these and they have not been a sad occasion at all

themull1

notanewuser wrote: »

She's recently been watching The Never Ending Story. She loves the film, but there's a part where a horse gets swallowed up in the mud, and dies. She's watched it several times, and every time we get to that bit she properly sobs with real sadness even though she knows the horse comes back at the end of the film and is fine.

It's the stage she's going through. She feels these big emotions but can't apply logic to it. (That said, even the thought of "The Snowman" has me in tears.). If she is so upset by that,she's not going to understand a real situation with lots and lots of people she doesn't know and a dead person that's not coming back.

(When she was told off recently for scooting in the road she wanted to know why she couldn't when the 8 year old over the road could. I explained that a car might come and squash her, and that we'd be very upset to lose our little girl. "You and daddy can just make another one," she said. She doesn't understand that death is death. In 3/6/12 months it might be completely different.)

I cry at that part of the Neverending story and i'm 46!!!

longforgotten

Any news of the funeral please ?

Metranil_Vavin

I haven't read all the replies, but my dad died a week and a half ago, and I will not be taking my 11 month old and 3.5 year old to the funeral.

I want to concentrate on my Dad that day and nothing else. I certainly don't want to be wrestling children and having to take them in and out of the service. It's too much to expect them to sit still and be quiet for that long.

My sister on the other hand is bringing her nearly 3 year old and 5 year old as they have no one to look after them. Her husband has said he will take them outside if they get restless/noisy.