Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

fannyadams

My DS#1 (first born son), who was aged 4 at the time, asked 'who's in the box' when we went to HWTHMBO's (He Who Thinks He Must Be Obeyed - it's a family joke) grandma's funeral.
No one minded, and yes we reminded him who was 'in the box' and he was fine with it.
not sure I would take his little brother (who is now 10) to anything like that.
--
man it's hard writing out what all the TLAs (two/three letter acronyms) mean.

Person_one

ska_lover wrote: »

It would be the open displays of grief that I would want to protect a 4 year old from

Mojisola wrote: »

I would find something to do with her while the funeral is taking place and then join everyone else for the wake.

I agree with ska lover. At her age she won't be too disturbed by thoughts of death, or the cremation, but seeing the adults around her crying, sobbing, deeply upset will be very troubling and unsettling to her.

Mojisola's suggestion seems like the perfect solution. I expect the presence of a happy 3 year old at a wake will do everybody a lot of good. Children at that age are fantastic therapy!

notanewuser

Person_one wrote: »

I agree with ska lover. At her age she won't be too disturbed by thoughts of death, or the cremation, but seeing the adults around her crying, sobbing, deeply upset will be very troubling and unsettling to her.

Mojisola's suggestion seems like the perfect solution. I expect the presence of a happy 3 year old at a wake will do everybody a lot of good. Children at that age are fantastic therapy!

She knows what death is, in a basic sense.

For a while she mistook the word "dived" with "died". She saw Frozen and would say "they've dived on the boat". A little while later it came up in conversation, and she realised it was "died". Next time her dad went out diving you can imagine her reaction!

GobbledyGook

in this case I'd take her because your DH wants her there. If there are other children going then perhaps in your DH's family children attending is the 'done thing' so I'd take his lead.

I'd just make sure to take a wee bag with a book and a quiet toy like a doll for her if she gets bored. Also a wee box of raisins or something to snack on.

obviously if she was disruptive I'd take her out, but no-one is going to mind the odd noise. Even adults will make noises with crying or sniffing or sneezing.

I would only consider not going and not taking her if your in-law who has lost their parent said they didn't want children there. If they, and your DH and his siblings, will be comforted by the presence of the children then that's what I'd do.

notanewuser

GobbledyGook wrote: »

in this case I'd take her because your DH wants her there. If there are other children going then perhaps in your DH's family children attending is the 'done thing' so I'd take his lead.

I'd just make sure to take a wee bag with a book and a quiet toy like a doll for her if she gets bored. Also a wee box of raisins or something to snack on.

obviously if she was disruptive I'd take her out, but no-one is going to mind the odd noise. Even adults will make noises with crying or sniffing or sneezing.

I would only consider not going and not taking her if your in-law who has lost their parent said they didn't want children there. If they, and your DH and his siblings, will be comforted by the presence of the children then that's what I'd do.

hasn't occurred before - they all live for a really long time up there! DH was 10 when he lost his first great-grandparent. There were no children at his grandfather's funeral, and only DD for his grandmother's. All of DH's cousins' children are in their teens. DD is the eldest of the latest batch at 3.75.

CH27

Is there a creche at the church where you could occupy the younger children whilst still listening to the service?

Rev

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mum passed away. My cousin (her great nephew) was there. He was 5 at the time.

It was a tough choice. Myself and his mother had actually had a conversation with a nurse at the hospital and my mum a few weeks previous.


The nurse had a son around the same age. One of his friend had passed away and the nurse wasn't sure if she should let her son go to his funeral. My mum said she thought he should because children are often overlooked when it comes to grieving. They aren't given the same chance to say goodbye and grieve that adults get. Yes their understanding is different but they still grieve.


My mum and the little one were very close. Had been since he was born. She doted on him and he spent 5 out of 7 days a week with her (I babysat whilst his mother was at work).


We took advice from McMillan and basically sat him down and explained in a way he would understand what a funeral was and what happens and what happens after etc. We told him it's when you get to say goodbye. Everybody goes to the funeral. The vicar (he actually lives next door to a church and his family know the vicar very well so we asked her to do the service) would talk about my mum and we'd all be able to say goodbye to her together. Then we'd have a party for her (the wake). We also told him that it was up to him I he wanted to go and whatever he decided was okay. If he wanted to that was okay and if he didn't that was okay too. He was also told that even if he got in there and didn't want to stay that it was okay. He would be able to leave. Basically that whatever his feelings were. They were okay. And would be respected.


He decided to go. On the day I asked him before we went in if he was sure. He nodded and walked in holding my hand. I couldn't have been prouder and I know my mum would have been proud of how brave he was too.


He cried. As we all cried. Then we went to the wake and he had a 'pint' with the boys (her brothers) which he was made up with haha. He said it was good because he got to say goodbye.


He got the finality everyone else gets.


I know every child is different and until he's older and fully understands the concept we won't know if it was the right thing to have done until he can tell us.


I think it depends a lot on the child and their relationship. But basically all you can do is what you think is best. Good luck with whatever you decide.

notanewuser

Rev wrote: »

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mum passed away. My cousin (her great nephew) was there. He was 5 at the time.

It was a tough choice. Myself and his mother had actually had a conversation with a nurse at the hospital and my mum a few weeks previous.


The nurse had a son around the same age. One of his friend had passed away and the nurse wasn't sure if she should let her son go to his funeral. My mum said she thought he should because children are often overlooked when it comes to grieving. They aren't given the same chance to say goodbye and grieve that adults get. Yes their understanding is different but they still grieve.


My mum and the little one were very close. Had been since he was born. She doted on him and he spent 5 out of 7 days a week with her (I babysat whilst his mother was at work).


We took advice from McMillan and basically sat him down and explained in a way he would understand what a funeral was and what happens and what happens after etc. We told him it's when you get to say goodbye. Everybody goes to the funeral. The vicar (he actually lives next door to a church and his family know the vicar very well so we asked her to do the service) would talk about my mum and we'd all be able to say goodbye to her together. Then we'd have a party for her (the wake). We also told him that it was up to him I he wanted to go and whatever he decided was okay. If he wanted to that was okay and if he didn't that was okay too. He was also told that even if he got in there and didn't want to stay that it was okay. He would be able to leave. Basically that whatever his feelings were. They were okay. And would be respected.


He decided to go. On the day I asked him before we went in if he was sure. He nodded and walked in holding my hand. I couldn't have been prouder and I know my mum would have been proud of how brave he was too.


He cried. As we all cried. Then we went to the wake and he had a 'pint' with the boys (her brothers) which he was made up with haha. He said it was good because he got to say goodbye.


He got the finality everyone else gets.


I know every child is different and until he's older and fully understands the concept we won't know if it was the right thing to have done until he can tell us.


I think it depends a lot on the child and their relationship. But basically all you can do is what you think is best. Good luck with whatever you decide.

That's a lovely approach. I'd definitely do something along these lines for a close relative. I don't think DD could identify her great grandma from a photo - they really weren't close (partly because of distance, partly because DH's grandma couldn't tolerate small children and partly because she had so many great grandchildren she stopped bothering after about 5 - I think there are 16 or 17, but we've never met 12 of them!).

Rev

notanewuser wrote: »

That's a lovely approach. I'd definitely do something along these lines for a close relative. I don't think DD could identify her great grandma from a photo - they really weren't close (partly because of distance, partly because DH's grandma couldn't tolerate small children and partly because she had so many great grandchildren she stopped bothering after about 5 - I think there are 16 or 17, but we've never met 12 of them!).

It wasn't the easiest of decisions to make. For anyone to be honest. But we felt his feelings should be respected and taken in to account.


It's a situation where all you can do is what you think is best. Which is what we did.

themull1

I wouldn't have gone to a funeral with my kids when they were young, your OH has other family members there, its not like he's going to be on his own, but i hate funerals anyway, once someone's dead, thats it. No point in all the expense afterwards, but its all personal choice at the end of the day.

I'm hoping to die of natural causes, Newcastle University are going to cut me up and use my body parts.