Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

snowleopard61

My children lost two great-grandparents on their dad's side (whom they knew but were not close enough to to really miss) and two grandparents (my parents) when they were young, over a period of years when they were 3-8 years old. They attended all the funerals, partly because of the difficulty of finding anyone else to look after them who wasn't going, and partly because it just seemed right for them to be there. They both behaved well during the services and didn't seem to be confused or upset by the occasion, obviously understanding that some (quiet) emotions around them were only natural. They rather enjoyed the wakes and their presence seemed to cheer people up.

Personally I think it's a generally good idea for children to go to the funerals of family members if the situation arises.

notanewuser

Spendless wrote: »

This happened to me, my husband's Grandmother died when our son was nearly 4. They had met, but son didn't know her as she lived 100 miles away in a Nursing home as she had dementia. Son was a 'livewire' in those days so I had my reservations about taking him, he was at afternoon nursery and I could have arranged for someone to take him and pick up if the funeral hadn't been arranged for 9am in the morning! I couldn't go as I was unable to find a babysitter from 6am. I still feel upset that I was unable to attend the service. How do you feel about not going if your don't take your LO?

I don't mind missing it.

gingin_2

notanewuser wrote: »

Just interested in folks' views.

One of DH's grandparents died last night, so we'll be heading up there for the funeral/cremation/wake in the next week or so.

Instinctively I don't think DD should be at the funeral or cremation - this isn't a relative she has a close relationship with and she's at an age where she doesn't quite understand her emotional response to things.

DH gets that, but still thinks she should be there.

I've no issue with her going to the wake.

Because the whole family will be at the funeral her not going to the services means me not going either. I obviously want to support DH, but he'll also have his brothers and parents there. I don't know whether any of the other children will be going or not (they're all younger).

This is all taking place 300 miles from where we live, so leaving DD at home isn't an option, as we'll be there for a few days.

So, what have you done/would you do?

I seem to remember that she spends time with your mother. Can you leave her overnight with your Mum and just stay one night with your OH for the funeral?

notanewuser

snowleopard61 wrote: »

My children lost two great-grandparents on their dad's side (whom they knew but were not close enough to to really miss) and two grandparents (my parents) when they were young, over a period of years when they were 3-8 years old. They attended all the funerals, partly because of the difficulty of finding anyone else to look after them who wasn't going, and partly because it just seemed right for them to be there. They both behaved well during the services and didn't seem to be confused or upset by the occasion, obviously understanding that some (quiet) emotions around them were only natural. They rather enjoyed the wakes and their presence seemed to cheer people up.

Personally I think it's a generally good idea for children to go to the funerals of family members if the situation arises.

Im conscious of several things. She's at the age where she's starting to get upset by films and things stick in her mind for days. Things she's loved watching in the past now scare her. She's feeling emotions she doesn't fully understand yet.

And as she doesn't often see her (5) cousins, being in the same place will make them all want to play together. DH's grandparent was very active in the church and very intolerant of small children so I don't think the other elderly people that will be there will appreciate that!

Runnning and playing at the wake are fine. I've no concerns about that at all.

notanewuser

gingin wrote: »

I seem to remember that she spends time with your mother. Can you leave her overnight with your Mum and just stay one night with your OH for the funeral?

She offered, but DH is likely to want to be up there for up to a week. We couldn't/wouldn't leave her for that long.

notanewuser

Better_Days wrote: »

Would it be possible for you and DD to sit right at the back and if she becomes unsettled be prepared to take her out quickly so the service isn't disturbed. Would she sit quietly with a colouring book or a tablet (if you have one) during the service, or does she, like one of my nephews, have 'ants in her pants' and find it very difficult to sit quietly?

If she does find it hard to sit quietly - not unusual for a 4 year old, then can you just wait in the ante room for the whole service?

A lot depends on your DD and also on the attitude of the family towards children at an event such as this. Some may not mind a child being a child, others families may be upset if the child disturbs the service.

She would, but not with 5 younger cousins that she wants to play with there (assuming they will be).

Indie_Kid

Bakers_Dozen wrote: »

Sorry to ask this here but what do the acronyms DD and DH mean? I've saw them several times on here and have no idea what they mean :search:

Dear / Darling Daughter and Dear / Darling Husband

Buzby

I'd take the child - it is part of their lifetime experiences, and my granddaughter was four when she said goodbye to her great aunt. This was only a service, and not a graveside visit, but by using the occasion to say goodbye it closes the circle.

I'm told I shouted 'Peek-a-boo grandma' in church when the cover came off the coffin (I was 4) as she always played that game with me. It was neither inappropriate or unwelcome.

Some 60 years on, I'm still glad I said my goodbyes.

snowleopard61

notanewuser wrote: »

And as she doesn't often see her (5) cousins, being in the same place will make them all want to play together. DH's grandparent was very active in the church and very intolerant of small children so I don't think the other elderly people that will be there will appreciate that!

Ah! Now that is a problem. Mine wouldn't have behaved so well if they hadn't been the only children there. That being the case, I don't think I would take her ... but only you know your child - and also what is likely to upset her.

Morglin

notanewuser wrote: »

Just interested in folks' views.

One of DH's grandparents died last night, so we'll be heading up there for the funeral/cremation/wake in the next week or so.

Instinctively I don't think DD should be at the funeral or cremation - this isn't a relative she has a close relationship with and she's at an age where she doesn't quite understand her emotional response to things.

DH gets that, but still thinks she should be there.

I've no issue with her going to the wake.

Because the whole family will be at the funeral her not going to the services means me not going either. I obviously want to support DH, but he'll also have his brothers and parents there. I don't know whether any of the other children will be going or not (they're all younger).

This is all taking place 300 miles from where we live, so leaving DD at home isn't an option, as we'll be there for a few days.

So, what have you done/would you do?

I wouldn't take a child that young to either, but families all have different traditions.


Lin