Ex sent to prison and wants his wife to continue with our contact order!

GobbledyGook

You really need to realise it's not about you and what you want.

Your job is to do what is best for your son. Be that see him in momentary pain from a vaccine that will do long-term good, encourage/assist a relationship with a father/relative you don't personally like or to patiently help with loom bands/wheelies/whatever craze you know will be over soon even if he maintains he'll love it forever.

Sometimes that means making decisions and doing things we don't particularly like, but that (imo) is what being a good parent is about.

duchy

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

So, let me get this straight.

You lived near you ex. You moved away and did not agree to weekend contact. Your ex had to go to Court to get weekend (overnight contact).

This situation has arisen as you now live so far away from where ex lived. If you'd not moved, your ex's partner could have had your son and maintained some sort of bond whilst your ex was in prison.

Maybe she moved away to get away from the poor environment that they lived in -where people end up getting jailed for running drugs for "friends".

Ignoring her son for the moment - This is a man who either knowingly committed a criminal offence whilst his new partner was pregnant or got her pregnant after he was arrested and before he was convicted knowing he might be leaving her alone if convicted and jailed.

Doesn't appear to be father of the year material either way .

ElizabethMcdubh

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think you need to step back from what you think is right or not.

Courts aren't interested in what you think or what your ex thinks. They are interested in what is best for the child.

So does your son have a good relationship with his step-Mum and her family? Would HE lose out if you stop him from seeing them? Would he be more upset at the visits stopping now and then restarting in 6 months than he would just continuing them?

I'm not defending your ex - in your shoes I'd be livid at only finding out now he has been convicted. It should have been something you were told about so that you, and ex, could have prepared your child for the fact that "Daddy might be away for a while".

Is your child safe going there? Is the new wife likely to be under pressure from the same people? Is Dad likely to be a target of said people when he is released? Was he dealing from the house, and were there drugs around the children? Are social services getting involved with the baby and do they have any concerns about your son being there? All questions you need to be asking/getting answers too imo.

However you need to focus on what is best for him long-term and not what you think should/shouldn't happen because they are not always the same thing. A good relationship with his step-mother is not a bad thing, especially when there is going to be a sibling involved.

To give you a little context my godchild's step-mother won't cook a meal when she is there or do a washing that includes anything of hers because she views her husband's child as 'not her problem'. It was her father's 'turn' for Christmas last year and the other child got mountains of presents from her Mum's family and the barely even spoke to godchild. So at least your son has a welcoming family who, it seems, want to help him through this issue with his father. Surely that's better than him feeling abandoned by them all?

Neither of them take drugs, he was caught with drugs in the city and a warrant was given to his address where nothing what so ever was recovered.

In regards to the pressure from these people in the future, that's also my concern I can't be sure that won't happen.

Social services are not involved to my knowledge and I doubt they would be if neither of them use and nothing was recovered in their family home.

CH27

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

I suppose I have made my mind up in a way but I'm here for opinions and to see if anyone has been in my situation and how they dealt with it. I know I probably sound awful or double standards or whatever but if my partner wants me to look after his son that's his choice, I choose to not want her to look after my son until she has a child that my son has a bond with, until then I can't see a good enough reason for her to be alone with him without his father

You have to think what is best for your son not just what you want.
The happiest step families seem to be were everyone blends rather than keeping up barriers & hostilities.

ElizabethMcdubh

duchy wrote: »

Maybe she moved away to get away from the poor environment that they lived in -where people end up getting jailed for running drugs for "friends".

Ignoring her son for the moment - This is a man who either knowingly committed a criminal offence whilst his new partner was pregnant or got her pregnant after he was arrested and before he was convicted knowing he might be leaving her alone if convicted and jailed.

Doesn't appear to be father of the year material either way .

He said he was intimidated into doing it, it wasn't for a friend to my knowledge

They actually had IVF to conceive their child.

wildincrawley

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

I felt that our son was to young and he wasn't ready. My ex was really only consistent with contact from January 2012, before that he had cancelled around one visit a month, but when he settled with his partner things seemed to change.

His never taken drugs or smoked himself or ever sold them to my knowledge.

I do understand if the shoe was on the other foot I would argue differently but I have single handed lay brought our son up and been there for him everyday I am his mother and his only mum as my ex is his only father, I don't see why partners need to be involved and that stands for my own partner, he doesn't ask to meet my ex or expect to parent when it should be me who parents so why should she....

Again, think about when he is a young teenager, he will be living either with you and your partner or with father and partner, so whether you like it or not, partners will be involved.

One of my best friends is 21, he lives with his mother and stepfather, and flies abroad twice a year to visit his father and stepmother. He has a fantastic relationship with all 4 adults. He also sees his grandparents on both sides. This is what I would hope you will be aiming for, and it starts now.

GobbledyGook

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

Neither of them take drugs, he was caught with drugs in the city and a warrant was given to his address where nothing what so ever was recovered.

In regards to the pressure from these people in the future, that's also my concern I can't be sure that won't happen.

Social services are not involved to my knowledge and I doubt they would be if neither of them use and nothing was recovered in their family home.

So, really there are no safety concerns over your son seeing his step-mother?

What would your son lose if you stopped that contact? A loving step-mother, grandparent-types and he'd be thrown back into the mix (because a one-off mistake wouldn't be held against his father) with all the sibling rivalry that comes with a new baby.

I abhor drugs in families. It destroyed my childhood, but so far you've not said anything that makes it sound like a bad thing that your son stays in contact with his family (and family doesn't have to be blood related imo - she's his step-mother, she's a link to his Daddy and she's having his sibling).

Why would you want to take that away from him?

Lieja

duchy wrote: »

Maybe she moved away to get away from the poor environment that they lived in -where people end up getting jailed for running drugs for "friends".

Ignoring her son for the moment - This is a man who either knowingly committed a criminal offence whilst his new partner was pregnant or got her pregnant after he was arrested and before he was convicted knowing he might be leaving her alone if convicted and jailed.

Doesn't appear to be father of the year material either way .

So do only perfect parents get to have relationships with their children? Totally ridiculous. People get involved in crime, knowingly or not, for a huge variety of reasons and not all of them make for bad people.

ElizabethMcdubh

GobbledyGook wrote: »

So, really there are no safety concerns over your son seeing his step-mother?

What would your son lose if you stopped that contact? A loving step-mother, grandparent-types and he'd be thrown back into the mix (because a one-off mistake wouldn't be held against his father) with all the sibling rivalry that comes with a new baby.

I abhor drugs in families. It destroyed my childhood, but so far you've not said anything that makes it sound like a bad thing that your son stays in contact with his family (and family doesn't have to be blood related imo - she's his step-mother, she's a link to his Daddy and she's having his sibling).

Why would you want to take that away from him?

How can I be sure these people Wong intimidate her or do anything to my son? How can. Be sure my ex won't targeted again when his released...

meritaten

I think you need to go back to your own solicitor about this - to me the dad cant 'have a relationship by proxy'. unless your child has a good and longstanding relationship with his wife.