Ex sent to prison and wants his wife to continue with our contact order!

JoW123

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

Why should my ex be out working or doing other things and then his wife be with our son? How is it beneficial, he could be at home with me his real mum or he could be at nursery?

He doesn't have a genetic link to the people who look after him at nursery either. I think you would be short-sighted to cut off all contact for your son with the ex's wife. It could cause problems once contact is re-established because he will be confused.

Person_one

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

Why should my ex be out working or doing other things and then his wife be with our son? How is it beneficial, he could be at home with me his real mum or he could be at nursery?

Ok, you need to start looking at this completely differently. Your son's stepmum is not competition, or an enemy, she's an important part of your son's life. Not as vital as you but still important.

Please, try to put aside your own feelings and really, truly think about what is right for your son. He's a part of two families now and he always will be.

GobbledyGook

I think you need to step back from what you think is right or not.

Courts aren't interested in what you think or what your ex thinks. They are interested in what is best for the child.

So does your son have a good relationship with his step-Mum and her family? Would HE lose out if you stop him from seeing them? Would he be more upset at the visits stopping now and then restarting in 6 months than he would just continuing them?

I'm not defending your ex - in your shoes I'd be livid at only finding out now he has been convicted. It should have been something you were told about so that you, and ex, could have prepared your child for the fact that "Daddy might be away for a while".

Is your child safe going there? Is the new wife likely to be under pressure from the same people? Is Dad likely to be a target of said people when he is released? Was he dealing from the house, and were there drugs around the children? Are social services getting involved with the baby and do they have any concerns about your son being there? All questions you need to be asking/getting answers too imo.

However you need to focus on what is best for him long-term and not what you think should/shouldn't happen because they are not always the same thing. A good relationship with his step-mother is not a bad thing, especially when there is going to be a sibling involved.

To give you a little context my godchild's step-mother won't cook a meal when she is there or do a washing that includes anything of hers because she views her husband's child as 'not her problem'. It was her father's 'turn' for Christmas last year and the other child got mountains of presents from her Mum's family and the barely even spoke to godchild. So at least your son has a welcoming family who, it seems, want to help him through this issue with his father. Surely that's better than him feeling abandoned by them all?

ElizabethMcdubh

Lieja wrote: »

How is being at nursery more beneficial or acceptable than spending time with someone who cares for him and has a great bond, and will soon be mother to his brother/sister?

Your ex is just as much your son's parent as you are.

If his wife was a mother to a child then I would see this differently but as it stands at the moment they share no children so why should she spend time with my son for the next year while his father doesn't

duchy

The court order is for him.
You have no obligation to give her the same time however a fair compromise would be once a month but a big No to taking him to visit his Dad in prison-and if they don't like it-then tough.

She may even be quite happy with the offer as she may not relish a 45 mile drive when pregnant -alternatively do you have a relationship with her ? Could you invite her to visit your son in your town once a month.

I'd assume any court order stands unless one or other party goes back to court so unless you applied for a variance due to the nature of the offence and his imprisonment then yes access visits would automatically resume once he is released (although it might be a condition of his licence how far he is allowed to travel if released early)

ElizabethMcdubh

Janepig wrote: »

That. And another thread where the OP has already made her mind up and is simply here to waste other people's time by rubbishing well considered replies that she doesn't agree with (ie, that she should consider what's best for her son, not herself).

It's a well documented fact that prisoners are far far less likely to re-offend on release if their keep in contact with family while they are in jail. There are schemes such as ones where dads can record themselves reading bedtime stories which can be played at home to their children, etc.... to ensure that the family links aren't broken.

This is all presuming of course that we don't have another troll on our hands. :cool:

Jx

I suppose I have made my mind up in a way but I'm here for opinions and to see if anyone has been in my situation and how they dealt with it. I know I probably sound awful or double standards or whatever but if my partner wants me to look after his son that's his choice, I choose to not want her to look after my son until she has a child that my son has a bond with, until then I can't see a good enough reason for her to be alone with him without his father

Person_one

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

If his wife was a mother to a child then I would see this differently but as it stands at the moment they share no children so why should she spend time with my son for the next year while his father doesn't

Because it would be beneficial for your son to maintain that relationship rather than lose contact with two of the adults in his life all of a sudden and then have to re-bond at a later date with the added complication of a new sibling.

Lieja

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

I felt that our son was to young and he wasn't ready. My ex was really only consistent with contact from January 2012, before that he had cancelled around one visit a month, but when he settled with his partner things seemed to change.

His never taken drugs or smoked himself or ever sold them to my knowledge.

I do understand if the shoe was on the other foot I would argue differently but I have single handed lay brought our son up and been there for him everyday I am his mother and his only mum as my ex is his only father, I don't see why partners need to be involved and that stands for my own partner, he doesn't ask to meet my ex or expect to parent when it should be me who parents so why should she....

And that's the key to the whole issue. It really doesn't matter that you feel you 'deserve' more of your son because you've done more. Yes, it's to be commended, but it doesn't mean you're owed anything in terms of your son's relationships. It isn't about you. Your son has a dad and stepmum who love and care for him, and it's just as important for a child to see a loving relationship working as it is for him to see his mum and dad as 'parents'. It's his relationship, not yours to do as you please with. It will do nothing but confuse and upset your son, and cause rifts that he will be stuck in the middle of. Not a good place to put your little boy.

Person_one

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

I suppose I have made my mind up in a way but I'm here for opinions and to see if anyone has been in my situation and how they dealt with it. I know I probably sound awful or double standards or whatever but if my partner wants me to look after his son that's his choice, I choose to not want her to look after my son until she has a child that my son has a bond with, until then I can't see a good enough reason for her to be alone with him without his father

So if man A wants his partner to look after his child, that's perfectly fine.

If man B wants his partner to look after his child then he needs permission from the child's mother?

What's the difference?

Mojisola

ElizabethMcdubh wrote: »

I know I probably sound awful or double standards or whatever but if my partner wants me to look after his son that's his choice, I choose to not want her to look after my son until she has a child that my son has a bond with, until then I can't see a good enough reason for her to be alone with him without his father

You're not comparing like with like.

If your partner wants you to look after his son, that's his decision (he isn't involving the child's mother in that decision).

If your ex wants his partner to look after his son, that's his decision (he doesn't have to involve the child's mother - you - in that decision).