Should a woman (SAHM) be doing EVERYTHING in the house if she doesn't go out to work?

thorsoak

Peter333 wrote: »

This is just a debate we were having at work the other day.

Basically, we were wondering... If a woman is a stay at home mum, and she has 2 kids (aged 10 & 15 for example) and they are at school (obviously,) should said SAHM be doing everything?

Washing, ironing, all the shopping, cooking every meal, vacuuming, dusting, polishing, doing every last bit of washing up, school run, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, tidying the bedrooms, running the kids to their friends, and to hobby groups etc (35-40 mile round-trips there and back and there and back again, so a lot of time spent driving 2 or 3 evenings a week and once or twice at the weekend,) and every other thing you can think of.

Husband works full time 4 days on, 4 days off - 10 hour shifts. (So about a 35/36 hour week.)

Should the husband be helping? (If only a little bit.)

For the moment, keep away from comments like 'why is she not working too?' Or 'why aren't the kids helping?' I am interested to know if you think the husband should be helping, if she is not in paid employment, and he works full time (admin job.)

They are both middle aged or slightly younger.

Opinions please. Thank you.

MSE Insert:

This thread was originally on the Discussion Time board. We've moved it here as it's a great question so we tweeted it from the @MSE_Forum twitter account

If the children are 10 and 15, then they are of an age when it is essential that they learn survival tactics and how a home is run - therefore even if mother is a SAHM, I would expect children of that age to be keeping their own rooms tidy - older one doing his/her own laundry - and other household chores too - clearing up after meal, maybe even cooking one.

If husband works 4 days on/4 days off, then I would expect a SAHM to work in the home on the same ratio .....she too is entitled to some downtime.

In my opinion (and the way that we worked) was to consider our family our "company" - which each member of the family having an important part to play in that company - and parts which evolved and changed as the family grew.

Billie-S

thorsoak wrote: »

If the children are 10 and 15, then they are of an age when it is essential that they learn survival tactics and how a home is run - therefore even if mother is a SAHM, I would expect children of that age to be keeping their own rooms tidy - older one doing his/her own laundry - and other household chores too - clearing up after meal, maybe even cooking one.

If husband works 4 days on/4 days off, then I would expect a SAHM to work in the home on the same ratio .....she too is entitled to some downtime.

In my opinion (and the way that we worked) was to consider our family our "company" - which each member of the family having an important part to play in that company - and parts which evolved and changed as the family grew.

Good post. :T

Billie-S

lostinrates wrote: »

What sort of home do you have? Big/small? Minimalist or full of stuff? How often do you entertain? What sort of food do you enjoy eating and shopping for? All these things impact on how much time is needed.

Exactly! And it's not 36 hours of housework. There is a lot more to being a housewife and mother than 'just housework.' There are many other duties and tasks, as named in some of the posts here, including the one by Peter.

FBaby

I can see that the housework would add up:

Shopping a couple of hours a week (including driving, and putting everything away)
Cooking about ten hours a week.
Washing up/dishwasher/putting crockery away is about a half hour a day or three hours a week.
It looks as though there's about six hours of driving children each week.
Ironing and laundry take about three hours a week.
Even with only an hour of cleaning and vacuuming each day that's above 30 hours. Then there's the garden. With older children, I agree it's not a full time job, and each family will have different chores and time requirements, but the time would quickly add up. And the husband isn't exactly putting in the hours at work. It's not like he doesn't have the time to do anything at home.

Reading this made me realise how much quicker you get used to do things when you have to get on with all the above AND work full-time!

Two adults and two kids in the house:
Shopping: one hour a week. I'm usally in and out as quickly as possible!
Washing up/dishwasher/putting crockery: 15 minutes max. Putting crokery is done in the morning whilst kettle is boiling!
Cooking: Anything from 10 minutes to 1 hour max. Anyone who spends 2 hours a day is either pretending to be a chef or seriously need to review their organisation skills!
Ironing and laundry: 2 to 3 loads a day 10 minutes each time, ironing, about 1 hour on Sunday evening, again amazing how you learn to do things well and quickly!
Driving children: 1 hour a week (that's with drop up in the morning). They have learnt that walking is actually less a chore than listening to me complaining of being taken for a taxi!

I definitely know that if I was a SAHM, I would have learnt to do things just as quickly so to enjoy the rest of my free time!

FBaby

Billie-S wrote: »

Exactly! And it's not 36 hours of housework. There is a lot more to being a housewife and mother than 'just housework.' There are many other duties and tasks, as named in some of the posts here, including the one by Peter.

And yet many couple where both work full-time manage to fit it all in the evenings and week-ends so it can't be that bad doing it with an additional 40 hours.

BNT

FBaby wrote: »

Cooking: Anyone who spends 2 hours a day is either pretending to be a chef or seriously need to review their organisation skills!

I'm not convinced at that. Obviously different families will do things differently. There was a phase of 30 minute meals (which always take longer) precisely because most meals take more than that to cook. Even at 30 minutes for dinner and fifteen minutes for breakfast and lunch that's an hour on days when people are home for all meals. Most dinners are going to take more than 30 minutes. And that doesn't include other cooking/baking for kids events/social events, etc. Two hours a a day is a lot, but I could easily see ten hours a week.

Of course there are ways to cut down the time, if that what people need or want to do. But to say that spending time on cooking is due to lack of organization strikes me as naive.

lostinrates

BNT wrote: »

I'm not convinced at that. Obviously different families will do things differently. There was a phase of 30 minute meals (which always take longer) precisely because most meals take more than that to cook. Even at 30 minutes for dinner and fifteen minutes for breakfast and lunch that's an hour on days when people are home for all meals. Most dinners are going to take more than 30 minutes. And that doesn't include other cooking/baking for kids events/social events, etc. Two hours a a day is a lot, but I could easily see ten hours a week.

Of course there are ways to cut down the time, if that what people need or want to do. But to say that spending time on cooking is due to lack of organization strikes me as naive.

I have loads of meals I can make in very little time. They include those that use ingredients its taken a long time to prep ( stock, stuff prepped for freezer etc...stuff when I was working and when I'm less well I bother less with but as a more able sahw are 'part of my job description'. If I were feeling less grim ATM I'd be starting to spend more time in the kitchen with things ready to preserve.

*debbie*

I work part time (9.30 - 3) three days a week and have 2 kids, 15 & 16 as well as dh. I always do the washing, ironing and basic cleaning with 'deep' cleans done by all of us. I plan meals, shop and cook but never wash up. I walk the dogs every day in the morning and someone else does the afternoon, its usually taken in turns like the washing up but sometimes this doesn't work, due to other activities. The kids are totally responsible for their bedrooms and the bathroom they share - mind you I do have to nag!
I think this is pretty fair, dh works hard during the week and on my work days I only do the cooking and dogs, not much else. Mind you, this had taken years to get to this stage, and even the odd paddy from me!!

gunsandbanjos

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

And I can't ruddy stand it when a man doing a bit of housework is said to be "helping". It's his home too presumably, so he should be taking an equal interest in his surroundings and doing his fair share.

Urgh, totally agree! My ex used to be like this, he'd say 'I've emptied the dishwasher for you' or 'I've hoovered the bedroom for you', drove me bananas, you've not done it for me, it's not my job! Baring in mind I worked full time and did the lions share of the housework and pretty much all child related stuff.
He would also tell people he was babysitting if I was out, no, you're looking after your own child, that is not babysitting.

gunsandbanjos

sedment wrote: »

What bugs me if when men say that they are babysitting their own children! You babysit nephews nieces neighbour's not your own kids!!

Saw your reply after I wrote mine, glad it's not just me this annoys!!