seriously thinking of leaving

HelzBelz

hannahsmummy1 wrote: »

once again thanks to all your lovely replies- i dont know what to say! I dont even know what to do. Im in a predicament really because i dont have anyone who can help out with our daughter if i am to go through with leaving. I told my dad before i just dont think he would put up a fight to stop me from going. He hasnt rang me today, he will more than likely not be home till late tonight as i am not working tonight and when he does arrive home he will more than likely not even bother to speak to Hannah. Im still crying, havent even had a wash or got dressed today. When we have had arguments before i have never felt like this. He told me last night i was dragging him down by being in debt- we dont have anything in joint names so i dont understand that. I should have listened to the warning bells when his ex wife said things like he wouldnt let other children come & play in their house when their son was little- i just feel its history repeating itself, funny though because everytime we have an argument she gets mentioned & he tells me that she was just like me- now i was never any good at maths but two against one - i know who i would be inclined to believe now! Im probably going to log off now, have some lunch & take my daughter to the park for some fresh air- this house is doing my head in.

To all of those who have replied re the house- i dont have my name on the mortage but i wouldnt want anything from the house or anything else. He is so obsessed by money, he even told me last night that all i was interested in was his money- i actually laughed in his face about this- funny that since november last year he hasnt given me a penny for anything- im sure after his money arent i?!

once again thanks for all replies!

xxx

Well done for clearing the debts, it sounds like you the latest in a line to get sick of being treated like a doormat by this a***hole. Personally I'd be out of there as soon as I could get a job transfer, but I'm renown for being a stroppy cow;)

climbgirl

Wow, I'm with SS, this guy sounds like an as$hole, and his family too! You're not the one dragging him down, he's holding you back and your wee daughter too. I can't believe his family treats Hannah like that, it's disgusting. Whatever their beef is with you (as undeserved as that is!), that's no reason to treat her like an outsider. It's malicious, childish behaviour.

You've done so well to get rid of this debt, you sound like a pretty strong person who's more than capable of fending for yourself and your daughter. And it sounds to me like your family would do whatever they could to help you out - I'm sure if you told them you wanted out, they'd be there as quick as they could.

It's entirely your decision to make and a damn scary one too. But it doesn't sound to me like a very healthy place for your daughter to grow up in. My mum left my father when I was 3 and my brother just 1. He was a nasty, vindictive person and as tough as it must have been for her to bring up two little kids on her own, we certainly didn't suffer for it. I listen now to the stories she told about having to walk for miles to get food because she couldn't afford the bus fare and me having to sit on the footstep of my brother's pushchair because I was too little to walk.

And with an adult's perspective that sounds tough. But we had such a happy childhood and we've both done pretty well for ourselves as adults (so far anyway!). I shudder to think what it would have been like growing up with my father, I'm so glad she left even though it must have been one of the hardest things she did.

I wish you well, it's a horrible decision to have to make. Just do what's best for you and your daughter, she comes first in all this. If you choose to take the scary option and leave, I don't doubt you'll get through it. good luck and take care of yourself.

Squiggly_Diddly

Hope you've managed to get out to the park & have some fresh air & fun with your daughter :-)

I have a feeling this will be another long post - so sorry!

You said you wouldn't have anyone to help with hannah - not sure in what way? Do you mean childcare while you work? Are either of your parents able to help out a little initially? You can claim up to 80% of a maximum of £175 a week childcare costs too - either a nursery or childminder, etc. Once she is 3 you are entitled to 12 1/2 hours a week (I think) of vouchers for nursery education.
Can you contact SureStart? They should be able to provide support/advice and possibly put you in touch with childminders near your parents' house. There may be a family centre (which brings lots of services together). Or try the health visitor or social worker linked to the GP surgery when you register. Again, if you explain your circumstances - ask if Hannah is classed as a "child in need" according to the Children Act 1989 (s17) - that does NOT mean she is neglected, but may entitle you both to some help & support from Social Services. They may also be able to liaise with housing help if necessary.

He does sound utterly obsessed about money and seems determined to make you struggle (and pay - in more ways than just financial) for not being the same as him. If you've had warning bells then LISTEN to them!! :-))
Start by making a plan - and don't tell him what you are going to do - just do it & then inform him. Best way to start is by being systematic & taking baby steps.

Take a couple of weeks sick/compassionate leave to give yourself a chance to get sorted out and put arrangements in place.

Then organise the job transfer (speak to whoever would arrange it & explain how desperate you are, grovel a bit). Failing that, start hunting for another job?

So, you can stay with your parents short-term - get yourselves there & have a couple of days to get your head together. Then make a plan to save up a deposit for a rented place then while you're there (or find out about that guarantee scheme). Or take some money out of his bank account for the deposit - i think you are entitled to that little bit at the very least!!!!!

Put claims in for tax credits and also maintenance through the CSA.

Do you have your own separate bank account? If not, get one open before you change address.

Go to a solicitor and find out about putting a charge on the house - even if you don't want anything from it right now (and I know how you feel - I will not be dependent on anyone except myself!) - it is your daughter's right and part of her future inheritance perhaps? You don't have to act on it if you don't want to, but you keep your options open. You should be able to have a free initial consultation (but make clear that is what you want when you phone for an appointment).

I agree with other posters - a home with love & no money is far happier than the other way round.... :-)

take care, keep posting. xx


PS Depending on Hannah's age and whether you are working or not, you may be entitled to vouchers for milk/fruit etc as well - all helps with the budgeting!

chevalier

To be honest hannahs mum, I have thought you should leave this twit since your first post. I was completely disbelieving of what a prat he was about the wedding debt and his attitude to it. You have only been married a year and you are this unhappy. Why on earth did he marry you if you are only after his money?

But you know I also am sorry for him. Why? Because he must be a really damaged person if his heart doesn't melt at the sight of his daughter smile, or her first step, or first song or what ever. He must perceive the world as a living hell if he treats the people he should love most in the world in this way, and then can't understand why that treatment makes you angry.

His family sound like they are all of the same mould, so it is little wonder that he is this way. He will have patterned his behaviour on theirs from a young age.

Don't get me wrong I AM NOT EXCUSING HIM, and to be honest if I met him (and knew he was your OH of course), I would probably lie him out for the brutish way he has behaved towards you, he has made me that mad on your behalf!

So as others have said, have a plan. Don't bother trying to talk to him any more just get on with planning your escape. But I also wouldn't bother doing anything for him either. What is the point? You are not getting any reward (financial or emotional) for it, so just look after yourself. You said you went on strike before, well I would really do it now. Wash you and your daughters clothes not his, don't prepare his meals, don't do anything for him. And if he complains then say that you have to buy everything for your daughter so I can't afford the time to do things for you.

There is no reason for you not making sure that YOUR DAUGHTER gets her just money. By that I mean that when you split, he will probably sell the house. She is entitled to that money, so charging order if a must I think. Though you would have to arrange it so that it came into effect when you were leaving.

Where are you approx in the country? I am sure you will have no probs furnishing another place either via freecycle or us lot!
One other thing, as you have been married only a year, I would suggest that any wedding presents bought by your family should go with you when you leave.!!!

chev

TillyTrippit

Hi HM,
I have been following your posts for weeks - long before I joined and I have to say that I think you are fantastic for doing and achieving everything you hae done whilst in this situation.

I am so very lucky to have a husband who is the total opposite of yours, and I think that this kind of man is what you and Hannah so very much deserve. You have a duty to yourself and to your daughter to be happy and to live a quality life. I hope that I am not overstepping the mark, but I think that SS is spot on with his advice - as are all the others who have given advice about tax credits and allowances.

The only thing I would add is that a friend of mine had a g*t like yours and she left with 3 kids. Her advice would be to prepare going for a few weeks - it is amazing what you can put up with if you know it is for a short time. In that time you can arrange all sorts of things - a place to live being the least.

The other thing my mate would add, is for you to photocopy every single piece of paper connected to his finances - without him knowing of course. That way you will have evidence to present to the CSA during the money discussions. My friend's husband spent ages 'hiding' his money so that he paid as little as possible. My OH had to arrange for him to be invited onto a stag weekend whilst we broke in (yes she had walked out of her home with 3 kids and had nowhere to go initially - it was that bad) we got the paperwork, rushed around to the post office and spent two hours copying it all!! Then and only then did she get anything like she was entitled to - he also got into lots of trouble for telling lies to the CSA - there is a God and he may not pay back with money, but he does it with interest - even more than the robbing dogs of credit cards!!

Hugs to you - keep your chin up and start plotting for yours and - Hannah's happy future.

Love Tilly

davetrousers

If you're his 3rd wife then surely that must tell you something about the guy!

If you stay with him what are the chances of things getting better? From the sounds of it pretty slim.

If you do decided to leave then the short-term future may look difficult but the long-term future is an unknown and could be quites exciting and happy.

I made a wish one day when I was at a bit of a low it was simply " I wish that I will be happy". it took a couple of years but I am happier now more than ever.

smashedbooboo

Hi hun, big hugs from me, I really feel for you babe. I too was in a similar relationship. It sounds like he has an awful lot of issues to deal with. As other posters have said, dont walk away with nothing. Get what your entitled to. Including his b***s on a plate. Sorry hun but he is nothing but an !!!!. You have come such a long way on your own. And if you do leave him you will be more than ok. And of course everyone on here will always be around to support you. And please if you do leave get him where it really hurts him. His Wallet. Will serve the !!!! right. Enjoy your life with your daughter. Look forward to the future. If you do stay with him tell him you are his wife not his mother. You should not be protecting him from stress and worry of debts. He should be working with you to sort things out and supporting you. Sorry if i sound harsh. As everyone else here. Concerned for you. Not him, Good luck hun. And rant away all you like. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

tigzem

Hi hun,

Big hugs to you.... hope you can find the strength to make the right decision for you and your daughter.

xxxx

tesuhoha

Sorry for butting in here but after reading your posts I think two things

You should leave him

You should take him for all you can get

Sounds like a selfish, greedy [EMAIL="b@stard"]b@stard[/EMAIL] who is never going to change his opinions about how women should be treated.

boadicea_2

I think you already know what you want to do - that little voice at the back of your head that just doesn't shut up can be hard to ignore...

Your daughter:

- can grow up in a safe, loving environment, with a mother who is an example of a strong, confident woman and will give her a sense of being a valuable human being who is worth being loved and cared for - and therefore a strong self-esteem that will carry her through life.

- or she can grow up with an example of mother who is a doormat, always trying to please and failing to "reach the standard" set by her husband: in a house where she is not allowed to play or be herself, not loved by her father for who she is, and ending up herself trying - and failing - to please him.

Honey it's a harsh choice, but it's yours to make, and you are strong enough to make it alone. There are amazing men out there who are delighted to love a woman for what she is, and treat her like a pricess - I have one! - why on earth would you settle for anything less?

Make a plan. And go for it - you'll be fine!!!