seriously thinking of leaving

choccywokky_2

Hi HannahsMummy. I too lived with a man like this. I am a very confident person, have a great job, lots of friends, but in less than a year he had convinced me that I was worthless. He was so controlling (and they are usually very clever that you are the last one to be able to see it), but they erode your self confidence.

Everyone saw the change in me but me - that is until I had a complete breakdown and was off work for 3 months. I didn't even have the confidence to boil and egg and make some toast in the end in case I didn't get them to come ready at the same time and risk more criticism from him. That is how low this man brought me.

I got counselling and they made me realise that I wasn't the one who needed it really, it was him. Controlling people do so because they are so insecure in their own world. So they find something they can control and it makes them feel better. Isn't that sad?

I did what a lot of other posters have advised you to do. With the help of my friends (once I had stopped sticking up for him! LOL) we made a plan. I organised to move to a friend's house. Slowly but surely I gathered all the financial evidence I needed. He never suspected a thing.

He came home one Friday and I and all my belongings were gone. Took the control completely back from him!

Of course its not as easy as I have made is sound in the last few lines, but you will be amazed at the confidence it gives you yourself, just knowing that if you put a plan in place you will be free of this man in a very short while and will give you great satisfaction that he never saw it coming.

I can only be amazed at the amount of great advice you have received on here love, please, please, please think long and hard about whether this is what you want for you and Hannah. You sound like the sort of person that all of us would welcome as a friend - you need to question why he wouldn't want the same? After all he is supposed to be your husband. But I suspect that if you do get a chance to speak to his ex-wife, you will find that she suffered exactly the same way that you and Hannah are. What you need to take on board is that you and this woman are totally separate - he is the ONLY common denominator in all of this. - THAT tells you exactly where the problem lies. Its not you love - it's HIM.

Keep posting, we are all behind you.

Choccy

kat79

msflowerfairy wrote: »

My mum lived with a man like your OH when i was a child, he either used to shout at me, or ignored me completely, the whole house used to breathe a sigh with relief when he went out, but then there was the dread of his return should he start shouting at my mum again.
I was the oldest of four siblings, so used to protect them, and played the grown up when my mother couldn't.
My mum left this man, and i could again become a child, there was not the dread of the rows, and the tears, just boring quiet school, boring quiet weekends, boring quiet T.V....and it was bliss!

FYI: I still hate it when anyone raised their voice to me now, and switch off much to my hubby's annoyance LOL!

Good luck hun, let us know what you decide.

Me too! My dad used to drink a lot and i used to dread sundays when he spent most of his time in the pub or with his drinking buddies. I was so relieved when my parents finally split! I personally think my mum should've left years ago!!!

Good luck with everything - pulling for you!

astonsmummy

smashedbooboo wrote: »

Millionaire in training, Do you know ou really hit a nerve with me. Most people think that abuse is physical. Its not. Sometimes mental abuse can be just as bad. At times i wished my ex would just slap me in the face or give me a really good hiding. Am i mental myself for thinking that. No. Mental abuse is constant. Like a dog nibbling at a bone, On and on and on. And please anyone out there that has the physical abuse, please please do not take offence, But this is for you babe. If you are not sure about things then think long and hard chick. And if you do have a problem and you do not want to post it on open forum i am more thqn positive you can PM anyone of us for a chat or advice. I believe that goes for anyone of us. You are never alone. Big hugs hun. Do what you think is right for you. None of us live in an ivory tower. Just know that we are here for you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My mum said the mental abuse was worse, beatings aren't constant, there is no rest from the mental side of it, 25 years or mental abuse from dad, day in day out, even when he wasn't there we'd all be waiting on tender hooks just incase he came down.


Hannas mummy, you and your daughter are worth so much more than this, he'll never change and he'll grind you down until your a shadow of your formeer self.

wherediditallgo

msflowerfairy wrote: »

FYI: I still hate it when anyone raised their voice to me now

Same here. My Dad used to shout the house down, & contort his face in a really frightening way - if an adult did the face-pulling to me now, it wouldn't particular bother me, but as a child so much smaller than him it used to scare the living daylights out of my brother & I. The shouting is another matter entirely. I can't stand it, & never have been able to cope with it - while I won't necessarily give in, I do walk away as soon as someone starts shouting, because I know if I stay I'll start shaking inside like I used to do when Dad did it.

Mental torture is every bit as hard to deal with as physical abuse, & I can understand why some say it's worse, because the effect of it stays with you for years, maybe for life. My brother will argue the house up & down if he thinks he's right with anyone else, but if Dad says anything to him he never challenges it at the time & instead moans to Mum about it later on. She's told me she thinks that's because he never learned to stand up for himself against him, & now can't. Nothing in life is worth putting yourself through mental abuse for - you live on tenterhooks with people who treat you that way, scared in case you put a foot wrong or are two minutes late doing something their particular way. Even when they're out of your life it takes a long time to feel properly free of them & confident enough to do things for yourself.

Bimble_2

hellooo Hannahsmum (and everyone else :j)


I was in a similar situation to you, (with big debt too) My husband paid no attention to our children at all, he left all that to me, (they spent a lot of years shouting and crying)

Funnily enough he had plenty to say when he wanted things his way (most things)

It took me 4yrs of depression and bawling my eyes out to my friends and family (who all couldnt stand him).. to FINALLY make the jump myself.

and Ive got to say it was the BEST thing I have ever EVER done. (apart from finding MSE of course!)

I'm still in debt.. but thanks to this site (thanks everyone!) I've i'm doing all the right things and trying to see it all as a challenge.

I work.. and claim family credit and I chip away at my debt.. Im very happy and so are my children, I went from crying all the time (for seemed like YEARS).. to not having cried FOR years, and ex hubby is a complete prat, and I see that now. He didnt deserve me or our children at all.

Just like yours doesnt.

You've only got one life dont forget.. you dont want to sit in a chair in the old folks home one day.. wondering WHY you wasted you life with someone who didnt adore you. (and you him)

Lifes what you make it.. and you can make yours BRILLIANT!! It's just a bumpy scarey road from A to B.. but you will be SO glad you did it. (HONEST!)

xxxx

kazmeister

Hi HM

Theres a lot of responses on here, and I have to say I am worried for you. Its seems a while since you posted, I hope you are ok. Does he check the websites etc you have visited on the computer and stuff like that, could he get wind of what may or may not be happening.

We have all been very opinionated on here and I know its hard not to, but you need to ask yourself DO I LOVE HIM. If you answer no then make the move as soon as you can get things in place. If you answer yes and want to stay with him then you have to find a way to make it work - go to relate or whatever even if you have to go on your own. If you decide to stay then you need to be able to stand up to him and make him realise what is happening both financially end emotionally. It would have to be an equal partnership, and if he is not prepared to work at then you will have to leave him still loving him. I still loved my ex when I left him but I knew it would never work as there was always something missing, something I have found now in the person I am with. Someone who makes me feel confident about myself which we all know YOU really are.

Please post soon. Hugs from all of us.

Squiggly_Diddly

I hope she's ok too - just came by to check in & see she hasn't posted- the same thought occurred to me as well about if he checked the history on the computer or anything like that?

Hope all is well HM.
Hugs.

*zippy*

Squiggly_Diddly wrote: »

I hope she's ok too - just came by to check in & see she hasn't posted- the same thought occurred to me as well about if he checked the history on the computer or anything like that?

Hope all is well HM.
Hugs.

Yes I keep checking too, hope she is ok.

At least we know she has the support of her parents.

smashedbooboo

Hi chick, hope your ok. Let us know if you can. Please. as i said earlier if you dont want to post on open forum then pm one of us. xxxxxxx

taka

Hello HM
I just wanted to say that whatever you decide to do that everyone here is here for you should you want them to be. I hope we hear from you soon. Keep strong and big hugs :grouphug:

Taka xx