seriously thinking of leaving

Skint_Catt

postingalwaysposting wrote: »

Agreed!

anniestar

Sweetheart you are in a dreadful place and my heart goes out to you. Reading through the posts one thing shines out, you are am amazing ,focused, strong lady. A lady who deserves much much better. At the mo you are still strong and together BUT...............Its like dripping water onto stone -it erodes and weakens over time. Believe me you will start to doubt yourself "IS it ME"; "maybe he DOES have a point" etc crap like that. THEN you are lost. PLEASE PLEASE get out whilst you are still together(mentally I mean) enough. You have done wonders all without any support from the one person that should offer support the most. PLEASE give yourself a huge hug and know that we are all here for you, think you are fantastic and that YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER. The most priceless thing in the entire world is peace of mind. That is what you deserve. Good luck. A XX

KatrinaC_2

Hi Hanna's Mum

I'm not about to tell you that it is right that you should or shouldn't leave your partner - that is a decision that you have to make alone as no one on here knows you or your family. All we can do is offer advice based on our own experiences which will definitely be diferent to yours.

The one thing that I would advise is that you make sure that you have considered everything if you do split up with him - not just financially, but things like how much support you can count on from friends and family, what your legal rights are and so on. You sound like you've already made a fantstic start on this and making an informed decision when you've had time to think will make any changes easier to handle and will give you support at 3am when you think "What have I done!" (and you will... )

The biggest factor, however, is how it will affect your daughter. Again, only you can work this out, but from my point of view I agree with Lucy that coming from a single parent family is not necessarily worse than being part of a "whole" family where there are difficulties. My parents separated when I was 3 and my sister was just about to be born. We both had a different life to the one we'd have had if our parents had stayed together, but I don't think it would have been better with two full time parents.

Whatever *you* decide, good luck.

Kat

smudgemanc26

I agree with SS although i didnt want to say it but glad he did!

It seems like you have been thinking about this and doing your research, do you think you have already made up your mind and your waiting just to go now?

Whatever you decide hope your ok and wish you the best of luck. x

Bunnyinthelights

Hannahsmum,
Have you ever considered why you are wife number 3?!
He is obviously not good husband material.
You may say your daughter doesn't know anyhitng now but she will in the future. For her sake and hers, ditch the dead wood
Bunny x

Shineyhappy

Hi HM,

I am sorry to hear that things have gotten worse. I am not surprised but I am sorry. My parents split up when I was a teenager but I wished they had done years before as my biological father treated my mum like something he walked on and I hated to see that.

I agree with SS and much as everyone else has been saying leave the usless man, it has to be your decision and only yours, not your parents, not ours, not your mates, but yours.

My ex used to put me down all the time and made me feel so small and useless. We watched a film one night called Just Visiting in which the gf dumps her cheating creepy ex by telling him not to call her bunny because she is a tiger. Well that really hit home for me.

If you decide to leave make sure you make a check list of everything you need to do and take with you. Work out how often you think it would be ok for him to see his daughter (if he wants to) and make sure your daughter isnt there when you actually leave the house (if he is there as no doubt there will be shouting)

I really hope it all works out for the best for you!

Best wishes!

SH

wherediditallgo

Sorry to hear things aren't going well at the moment.

I agree with others - only you can make the decision about whether to leave or not. However, what I've gathered from your previous posts is that you're not very confident, & he's quite controlling possibly because of his past relationships. Maybe part of the reason he got involved with you was because he didn't want someone like his previous girlfriend, he wanted someone who he could have more say with. If you stay, things aren't likely to change for either you - he's had a shock about the debts, but that's likely to make him more controlling about money where you're concerned rather than less. If he didn't have the debts to moan about, I think he'd be going on at you for something else. I don't get why he doesn't give you money for housekeeping etc, & I think that's not going to change now he can throw your debts in your face. I can understand why your family think you should leave him, but you know what he's like when things are going well, whereas they hear most about him when they're not. I know I'd leave - I've already done it when I was with someone who didn't try to control me the way your OH seems to.

One thing you do have to bear in mind though is that, whatever you'd like to do for yourself (maybe stay), you may have to choose something else for your daughter (leave). You say she doesn't notice his attitude towards her at the moment - if that's the case, it won't be too long before she does, especially when she goes to school & starts seeing the other fathers holding their child's hands, hugging them, kissing them etc. I get on very well with my mum, but my father & I have a very distant relationship, & more than once I've wished my mum had left him when we were children. He was very controlling of everything & everyone around him - she couldn't have friends round, he spent more time shouting & frowning than anything else, he was physically violent with my brother & I, and us kids spent our childhood terrified of upsetting him in any way . I think she was too scared to leave him - they'd only been in the UK for a few years & her mother died when she was a teenager, & she had no family to turn to in this country, plus the benefit & housing situation was very different then. In recent years, she's told me that if she could have her time again, she'd leave him before we started school to give us a chance to know people properly without him constantly stopping us doing things & generally making our lives a misery, because she realised she could earn a living for herself & could raise a family.

A home with little money but lots of love is better than one with lots of money & no love in it. I personally think you can manage without him (your stress levels would go down for one), but whether you have the self-confidence to try is something only you can know. I think you're stronger than you realise. Good luck.

misspoppy

HI Hm

I hope you've stopped crying I think ou have known in your heart for a very long time what you want to do the question is are you ready to do it?

There has been lots of good advice about how to cope if you leave but no one can make the decision for you.

take care and keep posting we all care about your welfare even if your husband doesn't.

Toto

In situations like this I think there is one question to answer. Do you love him enough to spend the rest of your life with him (as he is, because you can't rely on change) If the answer is no, then really it's just a matter of when you leave. Children would rather have 1 happy parent than 2 parents who are miserable, especially if she sees her dad being an emotionally detached bully. She will grow up thinking it's normal for husbands/dads to behave like this, and one day she too could be married to someone just like your husband.

I honestly believe teaching children that sometimes we need to take the scary option because we believe we are worth more than the way we are being treated is a priceless lesson.

Hugs to you, I've been there but I am so very happy I too took the scary route.

sammy115

HI HM

I was in a similar situation many years ago.. With a controlling tight fisted a*****le who slowly chipped away at my self confidence. I saved a bit of money and left with two children, enough for a deposit on a rented house and nothing else..

It was the best thing I ever did. Toto is right, ask yourself if you will love this man for the rest of your life. Do you even love him now? My OH isn't perfect we have rough times, BUT i couldn't live without him. He has his faults (as I am sure I have) but despite his faults he is the kindest hearted man on this planet who would never (intentionally) hurt me!

The one thing that struck me about one of your posts is his family.. My first OH came from a cold family who hardly knew or visited each other. He was the same. My second OH comes from a large close knit family. At times its claustrophobic but at times of trouble they are there for each other and they treat me as one of the family.. Your OH has shown no desire to change, preferring to cling to the idea that all problems in life are nothing to do with him.

SS put it in a nutshell.. You are not happy, your posts have proved that in the past. You have done everything you can to change the situation.

Leave the man and breathe fresh air for a while. Who knows - it may give him the jolt he needs to come to his senses but I doubt it. Whatever the outcome you will have done what you need to for your daughter. Never forget that fact....

Please keep posting whatever the outcome. We get worried about people who are hurting if they don't post for a while...

xxx