seriously thinking of leaving

Lucy1982_2

Now I don't have much advice to offer on the relationship. But I was the child in one of these relationships.

I was terrified of my Father and then one day Mum found the strength to leave him. My Father made me help him pack and then played with my emotions for 2 years, sometime seeing me, sometimes he couldn't be bothered. I've not seen him since I was 12 (I'm now 25) It's my choice and I could make contact if I wanted to.

The choice my Mum made was the best thing she could have done for me. I ended up growing up in a house (just Mum and Me) where I was loved and the most important person. We didn't have much money, but we were happy. My Mum is one of my best friends and I have thanked her so many times for doing what she did.

As for all this rubbish of children from single parent families grow up to be useless members of society (I hate this) I have a degree in English Lit, a good job and while I can't afford to move out just yet, I still live with Mum and wouldn't change my life for anything.

I think sometimes while the choices we make are hard, they are sometimes the right ones. Perhaps you should think whether you would want your daughter to be in your situation? Because if she see your relationship that is what she will expect when she is older.

I hope that this is of some help. You will be ok and you do have to strength to deal with your situation.

Good Luck x

rayday2

It is an intensly personal decision what you are talking about.

I remember though, not sure if there are some elements of my story that ring true. When I left my first husband the idea was at the back of my mind for months, I planned how I would do it etc and didn't actually voice what I was doing until really I had decided and was just sort of seeing what peoples reactions were.

I left my husband before I got bitter, we get on well now, sunday he will come round for our eldest daughters birthday party - and I think sometimes when you leave a person you can actually parent better without the pressure of having to live together.

Of course this is just my experience how it worked for me.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Uniscots97

:grouphug: Just wanted to send you a hug.


I don't know your story but you should be proud of yourself for paying off the debt so quickly. I too left a partner (we didn't have any children) that started behaving the way yours is. My situation got a lot worse. I ended up leaving, planned it all but made it look like a normal day (not easy when you have to move home to the other end of the country), and left after he went to work. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

gizfizz

I don't post much but I have read all your posts-I'm gonna go with southernscouser on this one-he doesnt deserve you! I've got 2 under 2's so know it's not as simple as just leaving, but it sounds like he doesn't take any notice of you two anyway. that's so sad about how you and your daughter are treated by him and his family, they should be ashamed of themselves.
You are the only one who can make the decision but I think you probably already know what you want to do deep down.
If you can definately find somewhere for you and your daughter to live and support yourselves (which it sounds like you've been doing anyway, plus you'll be in a better position now that you're almost debt-free) then I would say that leaving him would be best for you both. he sounds like a complete *beep* who deserves nothing more from you
*I'll shut up now lol*
good luck with whatever you do hannahsmummy, you sound like a great mum so I'm sure you'll do the best for you and your daughter :grouphug:

natters_2

Oh and don't forget - if you do decide to leave you will be able to hit him where it will hurt him the most - in his pocket! and I wouldn't look at it as if you were taking money off him - more like him paying back all the money that he already owes you (IMO)

Squiggly_Diddly

Oh hannahsmummy, this is such a horrible situation to be in. I think he is chipping away at your self-confidence and self-esteem all the time, and yet despite that you have done incredibly well to pay these debts off alone (and of course it was to do with him! Like someone else said, wasn't he at the wedding??!). It should be an equal partnership - I can't remember if I posted on another thread (or just thought it) - you should be together because you love each other & enjoy each other's company; everything you have said does not seem to demonstrate that to me.... Believe me, life is too short (and I know that's a cliche, but its also very true). Don't be 10 years down the line, deeply unhappy, having every move of your (and your daughter's life) controlled..... Don't regret the decisions you make (or don't make). Obviously only you know what you can stand, but everything you have ever said in your threads seems to say that you can't keep this up much longer.

It will be hard at first if you leave - are your parents nearby enough that you could live there for a while, and still work? Otherwise, your local council may run what is called something like the Deposit Guarantee Scheme - basically if you want to rent somewhere privately & don't have the cash for a deposit, they will guarantee it to the Landlord. Unfortunately that doesn't extend to the first month's rent upfront as well, but perhaps staying at your parents for a while would give you a chance to get that together?

I know some people have nightmares with the CSA, I have obviously been very lucky in that the claim was dealt with reasonably quickly & efficiently & my ex pays regularly. Prior to his recent remarriage maintenance was something we arranged between us, but unfortunately his new partner caused such problems, I felt using the CSA protected the children's interests, and also meant he did not have to justify to her how he was spending his money (as she controls every penny.....)

Have you run some calculations through www.entitledto.co.uk - that may show what tax credits & other help you could get as a single parent? You may find that you are better off than you think (after the first initial few tougher months probably).

I have been on my own nearly 6 years now (although I stayed in the house so didn't have the issue of having to find somewhere else to live) but have gradually become "me" again.... My self-confidence/self-esteem has grown having been somewhat shattered - yes, there are rough times, and sometimes it would be lovely to have someone there at the end of a bad day, but overall I know I couldn't have stayed in an unhappy situation. It's only when you look back you realise how things were. (Although my ex and I have a reasonably amicable relationship most of the time too!). I am now at uni training to change career (social work, don't all groan at once), still working part-time, and would be lost without my mum! But I don't think any of that would be happening if I was still married. That's not to say it is best for everyone, and I would love to find Mr Right and marry again :-)

There's freecycle etc, or the friday-ad to pick up cheap/free furniture & I'm sure the many lovely people here on MSE would come up with offers of help/unwanted items - I am often amazed at the generosity of spirit shown by members.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly & disjointed, trying to think of/say lots of things - feel free to PM if you'd like :-)
But good luck, whatever you choose to do just be sure it is the right decision and the reasons for making it.
Squiggly

postingalwaysposting

luckymum_3

hi chick..:grouphug: have to agree with ss,i would get rid !!!!!!
it will be difficult but you cant let him treat you like that :mad:

and if he is like that around you little one she will eventually pick up on it....i left my boyfriend ( i know its not the same as being married ) when i was 5 months pregnant with our daughter...our son was then at the time 6...and it was upsetting but it was the best thing i ever did.....my son is now 10 and my daughter is now 4 and they dont suffer ,my daughter can talk the hind legs off a donkey ha ha ....and my son is doing great at school ,i have friends and family if i need them to rant at...:D and he sees how happy we are without him,and that we are doing great :j

big hugs and good luck......and keep us posted

hannahsmummy1

i have been on to entitled to and it wont surprise anyone to know i would be seriously better off moneywise. If i go to my parents there is no room there for me- they only have a 2 bed house, but in the short term it would be ok. I could possibly get a transfer with work as they have a bingo hall of the same name over there so that would definately be an option if i were to go to my parents. I had a sneaky look on the csa website, based on how much he earns, even with his son, i could get 135 a week from him. Should have told him that one ages ago so he can see how much im saving him by being with him!

PigginSkint

Hi hannahsmummy

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I have been through a marriage breakup myself and although at the time it was horrible (one of the worst times of my life), it was the best thing I ever did. You can’t carry on as you are and I agree with SS – you need to ditch him! Life will be rough for a while but once you are past it you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner – I know I did! As Squiggly Diddly said - life is too short.

My advice to you is get some legal advice quickly and, if you can possibly avoid it, do not leave the house, at least until you have spoken to a solicitor who I have a feeling will advise you the same way. I see you mentioned that you are not on the mortgage but, and it’s a bit but, you have to provide a home for your child – this is the way that a court will see it.

The reason that I would advise you to seek legal advice quickly is because you can bet your bottom dollar your husband will. If he is anything like my Ex (and from previous threads that I have read of yours he sounds very much like my Ex) he will do this to try and get as much money (or pay as little as possible) out of the break up as he can. You need to fight your corner!

Big hugs to you because you definitely need it. :grouphug: :grouphug: