I didnt like my wedding day - how to cope

lostinrates

There is always a lot of contention over wedding attitude on this board.

One group of us feel the whole thing is over boiled and too much money and pressure put on people leading to debt issues, and issues with anticlimax and disappointment. The other strongly argue its the big day of people's dreams and worth it.

OP, I'm in the former camp. And I suggest that you do just as I did after my non wedding wedding, and put it behind you and enjoy your marriage. . For all the things that trouble you your husband still wanted to marry you. I presume you didn't arrive at an alter to be met by him saying ' goodness, look at those nails, and I never noticed how chubby and ...shiny...you are!'?


Is there somewhere special to you two you could go and have a relaxed photo on clothes you feel flatter you best, that look like YOU at you best? Something that will remind you in years gone by of how your relationship really is now on days you are happy and real? I think this might be more meaningful perhaps?

Idiophreak

msb5262 wrote: »

Is it just me or does this sound like quite a rude remark to the OP?
You can plan details until you're blue in the face and things still don't necessarily go according to plan.
I agree that the marriage is far more important than the wedding, but comments like the one above are not necessary.

I don't think it was particularly rude, actually...just a little blunt.

Being honest, what comes across in the OP is a sense that she let herself down...

Didn't practice her hair, so it wasn't as good as she wanted.
Didn't lose the weight she wanted to.
Didn't leave enough time to do her nails etc
Didn't get a professional photographer, so results aren't great and didn't feel comfortable.
Didn't nail the music quite right.
Also, maybe didn't think the dress was quite right and she wasn't instantly recognised as the bride on the day.

It *is* harsh, but all of these things were quite avoidable and I think the OP knows that in retrospect.

So, advice for OP:

Getting more photos done won't help. You looked how you looked on the day, the photos that were taken on the day are as they are and they're not going away. If you want some nice pictures of the two of you for the mantelpiece, get a professional photographer to do a shoot with you dressed in some nice clothes...but don't put the wedding gear on...It won't be your wedding day, so dressing like it is...it's just weird.

Just let go. The past is the past. Learn from it, take the lessons and move on. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only thing that will help.

Personally, I have a number of things I'd change about my speech at our wedding - including one sentence that makes me cringe every time I hear it....but it's done. I now plan speeches/presentations rather better than I did then. It still twinges a little when I think about it...but at least I know it wouldn't happen again.

Finally, FWIW, I'm 100% in disagreement with this argument that the marriage is more important than the wedding. I had a fantastic relationship with my wife for 11 years before we were married. Is our marriage so much better? Not really...I do like being able to call her "my wife"....and the legal stuff is handy, but that's about the end of the added value for us. We got married, mainly, for the chance to have a great big party, get all our family and friends together, celebrate our love for each other...have some good food, plenty of wine...I really don't think there's anything wrong with having a good wedding....And I'll certainly be hoping to have another "wedding" / vow renewal / anniversary party in the future. Weddings are great, don't know why people only have one.

Kynthia

I'm sorry that you have regrets. I loved my wedding day but there were a few annoyances that bugged me so much afterwards that for months I kept wishing that I could go back in time and change them. However you will be pleased to know that this does fade and won't occupy your thoughts after a while.

Now it sounds like most things (I know not all) that really bother you were about your looks and feelings. That means these things probably didn't affect your OH or guests. So chat to them about how great the day was. I bet they have loads of fond memories and discussing them will be nice for you and remind you of the good things. We're there any pics you liked, did friends take any you liked? Frame them or create a photo book of them. Also if you want to spend a little you could take the electronic photos to a local wedding photographer who will do professional editing and maybe an album for you. But be reassured you will feel better in a few months.

BucksLady

I wonder if any of us are ever happy with the way we look in photo's - I know I'm not . Even though you don't think you looked as good as you should have, I'm sure your husband didn't feel the same way and maybe that's what really counts .

BigAunty

To me, I wonder whether you are just a shy type of person and it was the self-consciousness of putting yourself on display that day, being at the centre of attention which isn't really your thing, which has made you very negative about the wedding overall and made you nit-pick.

I'm an introvert and my Aunt came forward to say how surprised she was to see me give a speech at the wedding and how comfortable I looked as she knew me as someone who was reserved and didn't like putting themselves forward.

codemonkey

OP - I had some disasters on my wedding day too which I didnt really notice at the time but looking back afterwards in the wedding comedown (I cried the day after). I got pushed into having family bridesmaids instead of my best friend and one of them was such a diva. She didnt like the dress and shoes (even though she was consulted beforehand). She didn't want to use my hairdresser which backfired somewhat as her hairdresser didnt show on the day. She insisted in getting ready at home which meant we had to wait for her before we could leave and immediately after the ceremony she changed. The other one abandoned me at the reception to get drunk outside the venue. Nobody was excited in the morning, and I was running about taking care of everyone else whilst trying to get ready. My hair was fine but it was blowing a gale so I was windswept before I even got there. When I met with the registrar before the ceremony she informed me that the groom was so nervous that we had to change the vows and did I mind sitting down for the ceremony because she was worried he was going to faint. He got confused during the vows and said "I don't" at which point i burst out laughing and hit him with my bouquet. 4 people didnt show up and they were all on the same table so there was a random table with 3 people. I had a massive falling out with my brother before the wedding and he went around insulting the other guests during the reception :rotfl::rotfl: When we got the photos back there are almost none of my mum.

I'm still a bit disappointed by the bridesmaids and the morning of the wedding and I wish my mum had acted a bit more excited but the rest makes me laugh. I'm married to my DH which was the purpose and it was a good day and I got to wear a pretty dress.

In any case, it was much better than my parents wedding. The Catholic church objected to their marriage in the late 1950s and they weren't allowed music or flowers and the priest was really rude to my mum. She says the wedding is the only regret she's ever had about marrying my dad.

codemonkey

Also, there seems to be a thing on this site where if a bride cares about her wedding day and does anything other than get married in registry office with only witnesses then its proclaimed that she must be a bridezilla and only cares about the wedding and not the marriage which is pretty insulting actually. We had a big wedding, we paid for it ourselves, we didn't go into any debt, we had a professional photographer, a cake, wedding cars, the whole thing, all of which i worked hard to get the best deals, and I was serious about the marriage. When I said my vows, I meant them. So please stop with the inverse snobbery. It might not be what you did but that doesn't mean its wrong.

quidsy

^^umm projecting much!

pearl123

It's one day out of your life. Far too much emphasis is place on it.

lostinrates

codemonkey wrote: »

. It might not be what you did but that doesn't mean its wrong.

Otoh, there was no anti climax after our non wedding wedding,we didn't cry the day after, we were giggly despite some other stresses of life going on, no one was nervous, there were no disasters to be had, we were excited on the morning.

I agree, its everyone's own choice, but I don't think the debt others besides you get into, or use of money on that rather than more useful things in some households, and the expectation leading to such anticlimatic feelings or 'disappointment' is particularly beneficial, to say the least. Where money is plentiful, fine, its a super thing. I even like a good wedding.

As a perfectionist I KNOW I would have risked becoming a 'bridezilla'. I know I would have been disappointed by things. As it was we had a beautifully romantic day, that I know wasn't as grand but couldn't have been more loving, or heartfelt.