I didnt like my wedding day - how to cope

Peter333

How are you feeling now 'beautiful ravens?' Have you sorted anything out, like having new pics taken?

Grumpypoo

OP - I have read the thread almost in full and feel I need to respond because I can really empathize.
I had a lot of things go wrong for me too and understand how you feel.
Guests unable to attend
o A good friend was not able to attend as her husband’s brother was getting married on the same day.
o A few other people, not so close but who I would have wanted there were not able to attend due to other weddings happening the same weekend (that’s what happens when you book a June wedding .

Looks
o I am a bit on the thin side and wanted to gain some weight to be a bit curvier for the photos. It did not happen.
o I do not usually wear make up and paid someone to do it for me. I had a trial and thought it looked alright. On the day I looked like I had walked out of Dynasty and I don’t like the photos.
o Hair – I got extensions – I could not afford a trial and got them done the day before. You could see the connections and it just looked odd. I wished I hadn’t got them

Dress
o First I ordered a dress from China which was hideous and looked like a primark satin nightie.
o A relative who was a seamstress made the dress for me but I still had to pay for labour and materials which ended up costing about £400 and I did not really even like the dress she made. I wore it anyway to spare her feelings. I wish I had not and just put £900 on the credit card to get the dress I really wanted. Sometimes I go into the wedding shop just to look at it.
o On the day it got a stain on it and you can see it in some of the pictures
Pictures
o I had made a list for the photographers of people he needs to capture e.g. parents, siblings, both sets of parents etc. I had asked the best man to try round people up so that it happens. In the end we did not get most of the pictures we wanted.

Bridesmaids
o I was quite hurt that I did not have a hen party or anything organised for me. Not even a weekend away, just a night down the local pub or something.
o I bought loads of confetti for them to give out to guests but they left it at home so we only had a handful of confetti someone had brought with them in our photos.
o We had agreed to have two flowergirls aged 11 & 13, again for family relationships. Their parents did not bring them to the rehersal at the church the day before (lived locally and knew about it. On the day they were all over the place going down the aisle. In addition their parents had decided to get their three year old sister a dress and launched her down the aisle as I was going down. There is a good reason I did not want a toddler flower girl.

DJ
o I won’t give away the name but the DJ was a local someone who used to be on tv when we were kids and was now on the DJ thing. We thought it would be a laugh to have him there. We paid a lot to have him there but he was very grumpy and sulky and not the ‘jolly fellow’ we had paid for.
o We had given him a list of songs we wanted and he did not play that. We had a first dance song and a going away song. He mixed them up.

Family feuds
• Some of my cousins had agreed to help set up and pack away. They didn’t. Before the ceremony the groom and my brother went round the venue trying to lay out the wedding favours etc. it was a mess. After the end of the party my mum was going round the venue with a bin bag to make sure we got our deposit back. Still angry about that.
• We had a few spiteful comments because my husband had a disability. I overheard an aunt say ‘she could do much better’ and that was very hurtful.
* A friend's wife was called 'a mail order bride' in her earshot because she is Thai - that was very hurtful to her.

Food and venue
o I really liked the venue and it was a buffet. That was our budget but I just felt bad that some people might look down on what we had chosen as it was fairly modest.
o We could not afford an open bar – we paid for free soft drinks, and non alcoholic punch, and two bottles of wine per table, the rest was a cash bar. I felt bad that people would think we were stingy.

@ cheepskate – it’s a bit harsh to say she should have planned better. Things go wrong sometimes and even if you have not had three trial runs of things, you expect them to work as they should and are disappointed when they do not.

@ counting pennies – that is very insightful and helpful advice and I will take it into account for myself.
Also @ lostinrates – I laughed at your comment - I presume you didn't arrive at an alter to be met by him saying ' goodness, look at those nails, and I never noticed how chubby and ...shiny...you are!'? – but that pretty much sums it up.
@ catkins – I had, and many others had bought into the whole ‘best day of your life’ thing and that does account for a lot of the feelings of anti-climax and disappointment.
@codemonkey – I feel your pain over the drama that is family bridesmaids and people not being excited in the morning. You took the words out of my mouth about the inverse snobbery. Such a sweet comment from your mum ‘the only thing I regret about getting married to X was the wedding’ . Hopefully OP can maybe adopt this saying for herself.

@ideophreak – you write from a male perspective: little girls in nursery are dressing up as brides, with a net curtain over their heads as the ‘veil’. Then over the next few years will be read fairy tales and told ‘for that one day you too can be the princess’. Then for the next decade or two after that will watch a few weddings a year (minimum) on tv episodes, movies, celebs etc where the bride ‘not the groom’ is the focus – again with the subtext *that could be YOU* . Finally, the date is booked and the wedding magazines come out, pinterest, what not. Thousands of images of how good it can be. THEN on the day, your hair, nails, music etc. go wrong. It is not just a let down of a day, it is disappointment that years of programming and social conditioning have almost guaranteed will happen.

Gingernutty

beautiful_ravens wrote: »

Hi all.
Got married recently, and just woke at 3am to stressy thoughts about all the things that went wrong/I didnt like about my wedding day.

Im glad to be married to my lovely husand :A by the way, thats not the problem.

My hair was a disaster - the things we tried to do didnt work, then we ran out of time and I ended up looking like I hadnt even bothered to wash it because of the styling products and the extensions we put in, and the backcombing that just flopped.

I couldnt stop sweating and in all the photos I look shiny and fat. I didnt lose weight and my stomach looks bulgy despite the pointless 'control underwear' I had on.

When I arrived at the venue exactly on time[lol], the organiser of my ceremony 'hadnt turned up' and the other staff were franticly messing about not really knowing the original plan, and they thought I was a bridesmaid when I got there and asked me where the bride was.

The registrar asked me why I was early even though she also agreed I was on time [I dont get that part].

The groom is meant to show up on time, the bride is meant to be 'late'.

I never had time to do my nails, I didnt even give them a coat of nail varnish.

I hate having my photo taken and there were about 50 cameras pointed at me and my messy hair.

That there now stands out to me. It sounds to me that you're probably very self conscious about that and it may well be that no photos will be satisfactory to you.

My stomach turns when I think of all the terrible photos that must be floating around. Our friend did the 'official' photos and a lot of them I dont like as Im making stupid faces because I dont have a standard 'camera smile'.

Hardly anyone got up and danced at the reception because we had our own music.

Did you play Metallica - Enter the Sandman? Motörhead - Ace of Spades? Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer? AC/DC - Highway to Hell? Honestly, Highway to Hell at a wedding....I've been to that wedding

I cant believe so many things didnt go the way I wanted and that I didnt really enjoy my day, I just felt uncomfortable, ill, hot and stressed.

The only thing Ive thought of to try and rectify any this is get a proper photographer to take some decent photos in the wedding clothes, at a location of my choice, but without the stress of the day around us.

Otherwise I feel quite down and dont know how to be more positive about it.

My advice, is don't bother with even more expense.

The new professional photographs are pointless as there are probably hundreds of photos with you in your "fat faced and sweaty mode" and won't really help you get over the memory of the 'official photos'.

Have you discussed this with your other half? What does he say about it?

What's done cannot be undone. Carry on with your life day by day and this one day will fade in your memory.

You could have had a cake that looked like one of these......

purpleshoes_2

Grumpypoo wrote: »

OP - I have read the thread almost in full and feel I need to respond because I can really empathize.
I had a lot of things go wrong for me too and understand how you feel.
Guests unable to attend
o A good friend was not able to attend as her husband’s brother was getting married on the same day.
o A few other people, not so close but who I would have wanted there were not able to attend due to other weddings happening the same weekend (that’s what happens when you book a June wedding .

Looks
o I am a bit on the thin side and wanted to gain some weight to be a bit curvier for the photos. It did not happen.
o I do not usually wear make up and paid someone to do it for me. I had a trial and thought it looked alright. On the day I looked like I had walked out of Dynasty and I don’t like the photos.
o Hair – I got extensions – I could not afford a trial and got them done the day before. You could see the connections and it just looked odd. I wished I hadn’t got them

Dress
o First I ordered a dress from China which was hideous and looked like a primark satin nightie.
o A relative who was a seamstress made the dress for me but I still had to pay for labour and materials which ended up costing about £400 and I did not really even like the dress she made. I wore it anyway to spare her feelings. I wish I had not and just put £900 on the credit card to get the dress I really wanted. Sometimes I go into the wedding shop just to look at it.
o On the day it got a stain on it and you can see it in some of the pictures
Pictures
o I had made a list for the photographers of people he needs to capture e.g. parents, siblings, both sets of parents etc. I had asked the best man to try round people up so that it happens. In the end we did not get most of the pictures we wanted.

Bridesmaids
o I was quite hurt that I did not have a hen party or anything organised for me. Not even a weekend away, just a night down the local pub or something.
o I bought loads of confetti for them to give out to guests but they left it at home so we only had a handful of confetti someone had brought with them in our photos.
o We had agreed to have two flowergirls aged 11 & 13, again for family relationships. Their parents did not bring them to the rehersal at the church the day before (lived locally and knew about it. On the day they were all over the place going down the aisle. In addition their parents had decided to get their three year old sister a dress and launched her down the aisle as I was going down. There is a good reason I did not want a toddler flower girl.

DJ
o I won’t give away the name but the DJ was a local someone who used to be on tv when we were kids and was now on the DJ thing. We thought it would be a laugh to have him there. We paid a lot to have him there but he was very grumpy and sulky and not the ‘jolly fellow’ we had paid for.
o We had given him a list of songs we wanted and he did not play that. We had a first dance song and a going away song. He mixed them up.

Family feuds
• Some of my cousins had agreed to help set up and pack away. They didn’t. Before the ceremony the groom and my brother went round the venue trying to lay out the wedding favours etc. it was a mess. After the end of the party my mum was going round the venue with a bin bag to make sure we got our deposit back. Still angry about that.
• We had a few spiteful comments because my husband had a disability. I overheard an aunt say ‘she could do much better’ and that was very hurtful.
* A friend's wife was called 'a mail order bride' in her earshot because she is Thai - that was very hurtful to her.

Food and venue
o I really liked the venue and it was a buffet. That was our budget but I just felt bad that some people might look down on what we had chosen as it was fairly modest.
o We could not afford an open bar – we paid for free soft drinks, and non alcoholic punch, and two bottles of wine per table, the rest was a cash bar. I felt bad that people would think we were stingy.

@ cheepskate – it’s a bit harsh to say she should have planned better. Things go wrong sometimes and even if you have not had three trial runs of things, you expect them to work as they should and are disappointed when they do not.

@ counting pennies – that is very insightful and helpful advice and I will take it into account for myself.
Also @ lostinrates – I laughed at your comment - I presume you didn't arrive at an alter to be met by him saying ' goodness, look at those nails, and I never noticed how chubby and ...shiny...you are!'? – but that pretty much sums it up.
@ catkins – I had, and many others had bought into the whole ‘best day of your life’ thing and that does account for a lot of the feelings of anti-climax and disappointment.
@codemonkey – I feel your pain over the drama that is family bridesmaids and people not being excited in the morning. You took the words out of my mouth about the inverse snobbery. Such a sweet comment from your mum ‘the only thing I regret about getting married to X was the wedding’ . Hopefully OP can maybe adopt this saying for herself.

@ideophreak – you write from a male perspective: little girls in nursery are dressing up as brides, with a net curtain over their heads as the ‘veil’. Then over the next few years will be read fairy tales and told ‘for that one day you too can be the princess’. Then for the next decade or two after that will watch a few weddings a year (minimum) on tv episodes, movies, celebs etc where the bride ‘not the groom’ is the focus – again with the subtext *that could be YOU* . Finally, the date is booked and the wedding magazines come out, pinterest, what not. Thousands of images of how good it can be. THEN on the day, your hair, nails, music etc. go wrong. It is not just a let down of a day, it is disappointment that years of programming and social conditioning have almost guaranteed will happen.

Not everyone spends years being programmed into their wedding day being one perfect day.

Ive also been to several weddings where if there had been any hitches, Id never have noticed in a million years.

skintsocks

I'm not sure I agree with the get over it responses, although I can appreciate where they are coming from. It's obviously affecting you in a major way. What I would say to you, is that I also hated my wedding day. Having more photos done and so on, isn't going to make you feel better. What you have to think about is the fact that you married the person you love, and that's what is important. At the end of the day, photos go into a book and stay there. You don't have to look at them if you don't want to. What you could do, is plan a special anniversary where you take vows again and do it exactly as you want it to be. If you are down on yourself, then you'll never look as you want to in photos. I bet your other half doesn't feel the same way about the way you looked. My story is that my parents didn't seem to realise/care what I wanted. I had no money of my own as I was a really skint student at the time, and I have been forever trying to be the perfect daughter (I'm adopted), so I was at their mercy. I felt fat, ugly, and wore a dress my mother chose as she hated everything I liked. My hair wasn't done, and my nails weren't done, because she sent me shopping on my wedding morning as she thought I shouldn't get married without a new bathrobe (!). The door fell off the car on the way to church, and nobody danced in the evening. Then someone stole my bouquet which I wanted to put onto my brother's grave. The photos were horrendous. But....we lasted, we almost got divorced, and we reconciled, and now, although I still detest the dress choice, we can actually laugh about it. Try and overcome the negatives, and enjoy what you have. You can always improve it as time and money allows

suki1964

To the op

Like you I was very disappointed with the way I came out in the photos. We also never had a photographer and relied on friends and family to snap away

And like you I thought about getting some professional ones done

10 years down the line they still aren't done.

After a while it stopped meaning so much. We have one or two really lovely ones that I've managed to make look as best I could and they are on full view dotted about the house.

The one picture that no one captured, or could possibly have captured was the look on my husbands face as we said our vows. That's in my heart forever

And yes many things went wrong. I was mopping the kitchen floor whilst the car was waiting, hubby got lost on his way to the registry office ( two roads away lol) Best man got off his face, my fascinater wouldn't stay in place,they registry office played the wrong cd at the wrong time, I spent the afternoon washing glasses, the list goes on

But none of it matters At the time it did but slowly it all faded and only the good bits stay in our minds. And if we do think of the " horrors" it's with laughter

Gloomendoom

suki1964 wrote: »

my fascinater wouldn't stay in place,

The first time I heard a fascinator mentioned I had to ask what it was. The resulting explanation left an image similar to this in my mind...

cazziebo

Gloomendoom wrote: »

The first time I heard a fascinator mentioned I had to ask what it was. The resulting explanation left an image similar to this in my mind...

I just want you to know, Gloomendoom, that I have been ostracised by fellow passengers as I exploded with laughter at your post. Looking at me very askance....

Morglin

purpleshoes wrote: »

Not everyone spends years being programmed into their wedding day being one perfect day.

Ive also been to several weddings where if there had been any hitches, Id never have noticed in a million years.

To be honest, I have enjoyed all weddings I have attended, low profile and flashy, but the days fades from the mind very quickly.

I wouldn't think guests notice things going wrong, or how superb it was, or give it a second thought after a couple of days.

For most guests it's a day out with those you like and love, and they aren't really bothered whether the flowers exactly match the table accessories, and how exquisite or otherwise the meal is!

Lin

BugglyB

Some of the responses on here are horrible. Seriously, if you have nothing nice to say, why bother? You can't really justify it by saying that you think you're helping by saying 'get a grip'?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy on your wedding day. Shaking my head.

OP I really think instead of looking back you should look forwards.

Can you think of a date in the future you can have a celebration and work towards it being better? 5th anniversary, maybe a milestone birthday?

Lose some weight, choose some better clothes and hairstyle, do something different, have some photos taken. Have the day you wish your wedding day had been.