Controlling MIL

Mojisola

This isn't just between you and her - she's your partner's mother.

What does he think of her plans?

Seanymph

She needs to be talking to the b/f not you.

I ran into my FIL several times, until I took to giving the phone to OH when he called and just being vague when I spoke to him and OH was out.

lots of mmmm, oh I'll ask OH when he gets back, and not committing myself to anything or agreeing to anything.

After the first couple of times OH agreed to something ridiculous and ended up being battered by me afterwards he took to being a bit more sensible in what he agreed to whilst watching tv and talking on the phone at the same time!

Let your OH deal with the woman, tell him exactly what she said about the dogs, that they will be in your house over your dead body and tell him to sort it out.

Then go and cook him something nice, poor poppet...

bobble_hat

I'm sorry but this thread did make me giggle and grimace at the same time. My MIL is lovely and does such a lot for us. But she tries to (s)mother me. I've had to be very independent all my life due to an uninterested Mother, so have found this very hard to deal with.

She even cut up my food once for me! I had my toddler on my lap at my SILs house (SIL could not stop laughing).

I feel very bad for getting annoyed with her when she is so nice, so I try and vent alone. It's just the little things, like 'Have you got food in for tonight?' Do you need milk, did you put your bin out, do you think you should water that plant ..... Aaaargh! we are grown-ups (in our 40s) :rotfl:

Good luck OP, I'm with the nod, hmmm but don't agree brigade on this one.

Morglin

Do as I did with my first MIL - tell her to do one.

Luckily, I haven't got one to deal with, this time around lol:T

No, seriously, start as you mean to go on.

Lin

mrssaver_2

bobble_hat wrote: »

I'm sorry but this thread did make me giggle and grimace at the same time. My MIL is lovely and does such a lot for us. But she tries to (s)mother me. I've had to be very independent all my life due to an uninterested Mother, so have found this very hard to deal with.

She even cut up my food once for me! I had my toddler on my lap at my SILs house (SIL could not stop laughing).

I feel very bad for getting annoyed with her when she is so nice, so I try and vent alone. It's just the little things, like 'Have you got food in for tonight?' Do you need milk, did you put your bin out, do you think you should water that plant ..... Aaaargh! we are grown-ups (in our 40s) :rotfl:

Good luck OP, I'm with the nod, hmmm but don't agree brigade on this one.

bobble_hat - Your post could have been written by me! (Although we are in our 30's ). I hate it when MIL says "Do you think you should...". I know immediately I am going to hate what she is going to say!

Counting_Pennies_2

Some mums don't detach themselves from their children when they move on, so they see their children's home as an extension of theirs.


I think for future harmony it is probably best to sort out with your OH the choices. Then both back one another up with the decision.


Moving in together is a time for change and compromise.


See the mother in law as an asset, accept her kind gifts and chose whether to use them in your own time.


With regards to house guests just come to a decision jointly and stick with it

hazyjo

I remember when I spoke to my ex-MIL when my first husband cheated on me and left me for another woman.

She just defended him and said 'you didn't even iron his shirts before you went on honeymoon.'

Erm, yes, that's cos I work full effing time! He got home before me, and he did his own bloomin' ironing.

Grrrrr.

Some blokes' mothers still see them as boys and expect a wife/GF to treat them the same way they did as a mother.

As above, definitely up to your OH to deal with this one!!! And don't let him say 'alice_kate thinks/isn't happy about... blah blah'. (That's presuming he agrees with you!!!!)

Jx

Seanymph

My ex MIL visited a few months ago, and was in the house less than 5 minutes before she said:

'It's been a while since you cleaned your fridge then?'.

she stood drinking the tea I'd made as I scrubbed it out - no tea for me then!

Her good points outweigh her bad ones, but she STILL feels comfortable pointing out my housekeeping shortcomings - and her son and I have been seperated for 18 years now!!

*she has lived with me for a couple of years since mind you, so has probably earnt the right to criticise....

It still makes me smile though when other people have the same problems.

System

you need to get your bf to say:

'Mom we cant have the dogs because the cat doesn't like dogs'

Simple. Its his Mother, he should tell her.

ska_lover

alice_kate wrote: »

Hi

Myself and my partner have just bought our first home

MIL has informed me that she has bought a cage for her two toy poodles to come and stay the night with us! I'm not really a dog lover (I an tolerate them) but I have a cat myself who is terrified of dogs also. I told her I don't want them round and to be honest thought it so rude that she assumed we would have them in our house. They're not very well trained either so scratch doors etc.

I know it doesn't sound like a massive deal but this is just one instance of her telling me what she is going to do or what I am going to do and I'm so annoyed lol!

She also told me she was buying me cook books to cook for my BF(!) I can cook already, and just because I am female I will not cook all the time we will split stuff equally! And that I had to iron his shirts!

How would you deal with situation?

I wouldn't make it into a big deal. In her eyes your OH is still in need of looking after and is still her baby. You see him for what he is - a grown man. It is all part of the 'letting go' process for her I think

When I met my husband, my MIL used to make cracks about 'looking after him properly', ironing his shirts, making his packed lunch etc. I had to gently remind her that he IS a grown up - and we both work long hours. She was cool with that, and to be fair is a really nice woman now she realises that I am not some evil woman who will laugh while her son starves to death in an unironed shirt :rotfl::rotfl:

The dog thing though, No, I wouldn't put up with that. Pets are messy and can be destructive and I would calmly explain no, I wouldn't make false excuses I would tell her the truth, I wouldn't want the smell, mess in the house I had just brought and is not fair on your cat. Just assert yourself, but kindly

Try and be as kind to her as you can whilst not letting her walk all over you, I think that is the best way, I really do think that some mothers do struggle to let go of tht role, and in her way she is looking out for him..I know it seems strange. You need to get her respect and make her realise that things may possibly be different for you, than they were for her when she was your age. As in lifestyles and hours worked and expectations on women.

There can be huge pressures on women now, that there weren't in my MIL and own Mothers day. Nowadays women are expected to be wonder-woman, have a career, a splendidly clean home, 2.5 kids and a 'cooked from scratch' meal every night, whilst having perfect hair and make up and also be well up for bedroom action at the end of all that.

Let her take you as she finds you, she will soon come to accept and respect you. x