What Are My Rights?

paddy's_mum

I for one am pleased to learn that you are standing up to him, and predictably, he is getting worse because of it. More power to your elbow is what I say - bullies ALWAYS react like this when their wishes are thwarted. If you didn't believe before that he is, at rock bottom, a bully, you surely must be able to see it now?

I find myself wishing that I could speak to you face to face and get you to realise that this 'love him so much anyway' is probably actually you keeping on hoping that one day he will change. Would bet money that deep inside you are saying to yourself - One day, maybe, he will realise that the two of us could be so happy if only he will meet me halfway. One day, maybe, he will understand that we have so much going for us. One day, maybe, he will recognise the value of a loving marriage and loving children. Sadly, men like this never do realise any of those things and it is your HOPE that is keeping you tied to this man, despite the horrible things he does. He hopes for nothing other than to continue to use you as a convenient whipping boy and a worker in the home (his or yours) who will make things easier for him while he sits back and lets you. Somebody wiser than me once said that if you behave like a doormat, don't be surprised when someone walks all over you.

The problems between himself and the members of his family are absolutely predictable. Of course he is estranged from them. He has, without any doubt, treated them since birth almost in the same way that he is treating you and his children. It takes a lot to make a mother stop loving, helping, supporting, communicating with her child so why has it happened in the case of your estranged husband?

What I say next may offend you, though I don't mean it to. I half wish that your husband would do something so unforgiveable that the scales fall from your eyes and the love leaves your heart. Only then will you be free to look forward to rebuilding your life in the shape you want, not dictated or influenced by his wishes.

I am usually a rather private person but if it helps you to understand what is actually happening, I will reveal what happened in my life. I loved a previous partner very much, forgave so much poor behaviour but then I discovered that he had been screwing another woman behind my back for the previous six months, while living with me, using my money to support himself while he got back on his feet after a bad knock in life, and that they had been laughing together about my gullibility. To them, my trust, naivity and willingness to support my loved ones made me a fool.

On the day he moved out of my house, they sent me a signed Sympathy card with a lovey-dovey passport booth photo of the two of them inside it. In that instant, my love died and I felt liberated from the enslavement that my hopes for the two of us had produced.

It wasn't easy, I broke my heart over it all but looking back, I can see that he had pushed me over the brink and to be honest, I am thankful that he did as I later went on to meet and eventually marry a good man, who is kindness itself. I hate to think what my life now would be like if I had clung to the ex despite everything.

On a practical note, can you not arrange that any time you have to see or speak to him face to face, you have someone with you so that you are not having to deal with him alone? Change your mobile number, change your BT line - don't make it easy for him. We all, I think, marry believing that to do so is a good and right thing but there are rotten eggs in the world and to continue in the way that you have been doing will eventually poison your soul, your family life, your children's perception of the world, and your own self esteem. Let go of unreasonable hope and you will find it all so much easier. I wish you the very best of luck.

itsalldrivingmemad

What lovely people you all are on here a big THANK YOU for all of your support. I feel stronger by the day I just hope my weekend will not be like last weekend but the way I am feeling now it will not be.

I have made an appointment at the solicitors for next week, when I explained a brief outline to her secretary she was lovely and supportive too, I can't believe how guillible I have been. I am starting to take control of my life I only have me to answer too and it feels good. I do have a lock to fit but have not done it yet I will get the solicitors advice first.

Paddys mum you haven't offended me I find myself sometimes wishing for him to do something like that or to find someone else so I can hate him....

I am just over the threshold for legal aid so will have to see what arrangements can be made for the costs....or maybe I could decrease my hours slightly ----or is that dodgy?

A while back before he left I had a letter form the police saying they had reason to beleive I was a victim of dometic abuse with a leaflet in there about it and how it doesn't have to be physical to be classed as domestic violence, at the time i had got to the post first and hid it in my handbag to open at work but I did think what if he'd got there first he would have seen the postmark clearly saying it was from the poice and opened it and then there would have been trouble. I am not sure how the police got to send this it wasn't from close family I had confided in. He had never 'hit' me he had pushed me once or twice and got very close to it but never crossed that line. Its alway mental abuse and it really gets to me calling me a phsyco and calling my family etc. .....

....Re reading my post WHY do I love him.

Curious George I do hope for my kids sake it will end up amicable like yours is now, thank you for your support and comments

Blue monkey - you talk alot of sense I will look into getting a safe but he'd propably break into that somehow!!

Everyone else bug hugs back to you all you have all made my day today reading your posts I can actually feel all your support around me and you have all given me the will and strength to fight onand get through this. :beer:

Curious_George_2

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

Curious George I do hope for my kids sake it will end up amicable like yours is now, thank you for your support and comments

only time will tell,
just dont be drawn down to his level and then you can always look your kids in the eyes and say you did your best, no matter what happens.

good luck with everything, and keep us posted

itsalldrivingmemad

Well I was good all weekend I din't bow down to him he had them sat all day and over night and i slept like a baby - yesterday was quite hard as I was feeling down and lonely even though I was at work I wanted a hug he had offered for me to go over ( for some you know what) - but I didn't I stayed strong..... and then he has turned horrid again - says he's not going to have the kids this week as he doesn't want to see me - I have given up trying to call him to sort it out I just said fine ok just you can tell them then.

RAH!!

hev_2

Well done you!

Next time he gives you grief remember how good it felt to stand up to him and stay strong. Good luck, and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

sandy2_2

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

Blue monkey - you talk alot of sense I will look into getting a safe but he'd propably break into that somehow!!quote]

If you do get a small safe, make sure you have someone bolt it to the floor or even the wall, as they are quite easy to pick up and walk away with.

If you have any documents you want to stay safe, would your work be willing to keep them in their safe or how about the bank

Good luck

itsalldrivingmemad

I have an appointment this week at the solicitor so I will see what she advises re locks changing and what nots before buying a safe.

Why is it so difficult. This time last year we were happy on holiday.....

frannyann

Hi, having been through all this myself and also had custody challenged in court, I can sympathise, with you. I found the solicitors (the good ones!)
were more concerned about getting me a fair hearing and when I worried about the money, was told "don't worry we can sort out a payment plan" The custody case, was lost by the ex as it was clear that it was to threaten and bully me. Good luck to you, happy to be PM'd for advice through the system, just wish I had been aware of this supportive network when I nearly went mad trying to cope with the process.

DJoiner

I'm sorry but you can't change the locks - not if his name is on the deeds / mortgage, not without his permission. I have a similar problem, my ex keeps coming around to "pick something up for the kids". Funnily enough when I come home all my papers are in different orders, my answer machine has "saved" not "new" messages, and my girlfriend's perfume has somehow smashed all of its own accord. In my ex's words "I didn't even go into her bag to get her perfume"..... just magically knew where it was then????

Stargazer_Lily

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

He had never 'hit' me he had pushed me once or twice and got very close to it but never crossed that line. Its alway mental abuse and it really gets to me calling me a phsyco and calling my family etc. .....

Abuse is abuse whether it leaves a scar on your mind or on your face. Whilst whoever it was that told the police might have caused you a lot of trouble if he'd found out, bear in mind that
1) Why would he have gone nuts if he wasn't abusing you mentally or physically? If he *really* cared he'd have seen it as it was - a kind but misguided gesture.
2) The person who told cared enough about you to go to the trouble of trying to get you help. Be grateful for the people who love you.

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

....Re reading my post WHY do I love him.

Habit?

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

....Everyone else bug hugs back to you all you have all made my day today reading your posts I can actually feel all your support around me and you have all given me the will and strength to fight onand get through this. :beer:

Did you realise when posting the details of your struggle you are giving strength and hope to others by showing that it can be done without turning into a doormat or cracking up totally? Another user recommended that I read this as she's been reading this to help get her through her break-up. Yay you!:j

Lil