What Are My Rights?

Savvy_Sue

I don't know if this will work, but if you HAVE to take the children into his house, why don't you start poking around and reading his private correspondence? Less drastic would be to ask how he'd feel if you did to him what he's doing to you, but the predictable response is "I've got nothing to hide." If that's so, then he won't mind a taste of his own medicine! Only worry is it might lead to a row in front of the children.

Have you found a solicitor yet?

itsalldrivingmemad

Hi

No I haven't found one yet but I rang a free legal helpline and they gave me loads of advice about undertakings and letters they could send court orders etc.

She said he sounds a very controlling man.

It was really good to talk to someone and I cried - why does that always happen.

I am still trying to be strong Its been very hard today as he has been on my back again trying to break me.

I am searching for family law solicitors in my area as we speak.

Why do I love him so when he does this and how can I cut it and break free is there some magic potion?

arthur_dent_2

You cry because someone finally 'lets' you cry and because it is good for you to cry so much that it makes your eyes hurt every now and again. It is not going to be easy, use us lot on here as a support and we will do what we can to lift your spirits. If you still love this man but know that he is no longer the one for you, it will take time and not magic to get over him and heal yourself.

Let him know how it is going to be, what you will and wont put up with. Let him know that you want some sort of a maintenance payment from him regardless of whether or not he has to stay in for a night because of it. Also that on top of this you want his half of the mortgage payment or it all signing over to you. You said that your youngest wont stay with him alone, can his parents not be there to help calm her down on his access days?

Good luck, big hugs and sympathy.

itsalldrivingmemad

He's pushed all of his family away over the years over one arguemnt or another. One family member of his actually warned me to get out of the relationship at one point as she knew what he was like - I thought she was just being spiteful but now I know she wasn't - I'm not in touch with them either which is a shame as the kids don'e see that side of the family it would be nice for them to know their other granparents and aunties and uncles but I don't think it would be fair on him if I did that and got back in contact with them. I will sit down tonight and try and work out the best ground rules I can. I have a feeling he is gonna cancel seeing the kids again this week.

Sorry to be so down and thank you all for your support. I don't feel as if I am tale telling, telling you lot.

JoKay_2

Hi OP

Do you have someone you can talk to about all this? Its great that you have so much support on here, but I thought it interesting when you said that you cried when you spoke to the person at the helpline. Maybe you need to confide in someone, so that you can start to release the tears that you're maybe bottling up?

Also you might find that having someone else reiterate what everyone else on here is telling you might give you strength - as you say, you know what to do, but doing it is mighty hard!!

I also wonder you do really love him, or whether you're so afraid (understandably!!) of being alone, that you can't tell one emotion from the other?

Just my 2p - I sincerely wish you all the very best for your future, and that of your children.

borderlakland

hi op
you have said in your last post that he has had no contact with his family for ages and you don't think it would be fair on him to contact them but whta about them surely his parents have a right and would want to see their grandchildren. if his family knows what he is like i'm sure they would appriciate you getting in contact with them so your kids could get to know them and vice versa.maybe they are worried about contacting you for exactly the same reasons. if you can be strong and make the first move maybe you could find yourself with some allies

findingmyownway

I agree that getting in touch with his family may be a good long-term aim. But for now i think you are best to concentrate on the housing,access to kids & divorce issues without complcating things further.

About your DD who won't settle - i agree with the other posters, she may be fine 10 minutes after you leave. Why don't you try it on the condition you will phone ex in an hour and if she is still upset come and get her? She WILL get used to staying somewhere new but you have to be consistant and give her the oppotunity. Occasionally (but not very often anymore) my youngest stepD cries and clings to her mum when she arrives but it stops as soon as the car is out of sight! Same as when we drop her off she clings to us, waves from the window in floods of tears but is fine 10mins later! Its a ploy for attention and power - if you continue to give in it won't improve. She deserves the oppotunity to maintain and develop relationship with her Dad.

itsalldrivingmemad

thanks folks

I had a bad weekend - i let him back in to my heart he apologised and I went all soft then he threw it all back at me yeserday - we were at his - throwing all my stuff and the kids stuff outside in the rain. Thats it now his last chance gone I keep saying it but I do mean it as it is destroying me and the kids.

You are right re the little one but if I push the issue with him about her satying then he goes on about have I got plans for the night is that why I want to be kid free for a night so I can't win either way round

About his family - I will think on it it wuld cause a massive rift between me and him but I don't think its gonna be mended anytime soon if at all I have to let go and move on, I will pluck up courage to maybe send an email or text and make the first move.

I can speak to someone in my family but I find that they are very bias as they do not like what he is doing to me and when I have lapses like this they don't undersatnd why I can't just phone bin my feelings and move on...maybe they are right.

I am finding it very hard to concentrate at work today....

Js_Other_Half

<<hugs>>

YOU really should consider getting some counselling? It might help clear your head, and enable you to move forward without him. Have you been in touch with relate? (Sorry I can't remember if you have said)

itsalldrivingmemad

I went to relate a while ago - he didn't turn up so it was a waste of time really. I am due at the drs in the next week so I might ask there if they have any they can reccommend.... i think it could help me get a grip.