What Are My Rights?

itsalldrivingmemad

Emmzi wrote: »

Good lord, tell me you aren't still sleeping with him!! PLEASE!

He made it like that all was fine and we could be a family again - until the morning - I think I've learned my lesson but he is such a good talker. I need to cut free from him but its so hard especially when there are my children involved.

How about if I add a lock, not change the others I could maybe add a yale lock?

Its sad I thought things would get better. I do need legal advice as maybe I could see how much it is to buy him out, especially if I do not have to give him half of it.

Yes the debts are for goods used and bought whilst we've been married 12 years worth, I didn't realise he would be responsible for it too.

Yes I have told tax credits he has moved out it took a while to sort out but then i giot a nice back pay sum of which I lied to him about how much I got cos I knew he would want some and thats the letter he found yesterday. I saw a lockable container in the shopes I'll get ne of theose - he's so devious though he'd probably break into it to see what I'm hiding away.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice - It make me think that I am doing the right thing and I am better off without him, its just the lonely times I have to get through and turn of my senses when he turns on his charms.

borderlakland

how about storing all your personal papers letters etc either at friend/family house or at work if this is possable. might have got the wrong end of the stick but when he as access to the kids is this at your house? if so tell him you want him to take them to his new rented home.that will give you a break and he won't have any reason to come into the house only to pick kids up.if i got this wrong ignore last bit.my ds2 was a real mummys boy but very quickly got used to the idea of staying with his dad and i'm sure if you gently persevere(sp?) your little girl will come round.
its up to you at the end but don't give him money he is a grown up and will have to learn to lokk after himself if he boozes away all his wage and hes no money for petrol thats his hardluck
in my experience give up on the informal stuff go and see a solicitor most will give you first half hr or appointment free then at least you will know more about what you can/can't do etc.ask around peeps you know for recommendations on who is good.

big hugs to you be strong you will get there

thesaint

itsalldrivingmemad,

Forget about "Losing your keys", this is poor advice that is seriously flawed, and could end up costing you money that you can ill afford I expect.

As for adding another lock, this has the same effect as changing the lock, so is not allowed.
Like it or not, your husband has every right to enter his house until the 'authorities' say otherwise whilst he is on the mortgage.

Curious_George_2

Hi, I know you have already been told about the locks but they are right, dont change them and dont "accidentally" lose your keys... (like no-one ever tried that one before)
my OHs ex changed the locks as soon as OH moved out and it went against her in the divorce, nothing huge came of it but it was something else to throw at her,
i dont know about adding a lock though.... its certainly an interesting idea,
technically you havent changed the locks but i wouldnt do it without proper advice,

but aside from this there are a couple of things you need to do,
remove yourself from the situation for a minute... imagine that its your best friend telling you the story... how her husband has moved out, but still snoops around when she is out, doing god knows what in the house, and she still sleeps with him AND gives the poor lamb money
after you finished slapping her for being so blind... what would you say to her? sometimes only taking yourself out of an emotional situation is the only way to see a solution, we are all full of advice for other people but struggle with our own lives....

PLEASE stop giving him money, if he has cash for the pub then he can afford to eat, the man wont starve and even if things are so bad for him that he does go hungry for a day or two... maybe that will buck his ideas up,
YOU ARE NOT HIS MUM!
PLEASE do not sleep with him again, you are showing him how much power he has over you, and by giving in with your body and your purse you are telling him its alright to continue like this.

get everything written down and find a solicitor who will give you a free first consultation, I know you are worried for your kids and want everything to be amicable and who knows maybe it still can be.... but surely its worse for them seeing you brought down by a man out for all he can get (even if it is "daddy")

itsalldrivingmemad

I know how stupid I have been but when he turns on his charm something happens and I give in.

I take the kids to him at his house but youngest dd will not settle and I can't leave her distressed, so he will either haveto cope or I will have her with me.

I am off this pm so will look into solicitors and get some advice. I will start writing stuff down too I did start doing it when he started being nasty but I thougt it was silly and causing myself more trouble and deleted it - wish I hadn't now.

He has been controlling all our married life, I stopped going out as I was sick of ther grief I got when I got home who I'd seen who I'd spoken to, who am I doing my hair for today? The last straw when he moved out was him accusing me of hairing many affairs and the thing is I haven't ever been unfaithful, he just kept and keeps saying if you own up and your honest we can draw a line under it and move on!!It frustrates me so much because its all in his head he has lost friends for his behaviour towards them.:mad:

Things are a bit better since he went, I can go to bed locking the door with the key still in so he can't get in without him complaining I go to bed too early and am avoiding him. I can watch waht I like and the kids seem so much more happy and relaxed. Maybe the way is up and forward I might even treat myself to get my hair done.

Curious_George_2

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

I know how stupid I have been but when he turns on his charm something happens and I give in.

you know that, but he knows it too.... there is nothing more devious than a person who knows how to get thier own way with someone!

I take the kids to him at his house but youngest dd will not settle and I can't leave her distressed, so he will either haveto cope or I will have her with me.

you will be surprised how many kids settle down once the mother has gone (happens every day at pre schools around the world!) my 3 year old niece who i baby say yesterday screamed the place down til 2 minutes after my sister left, then didnt mention her again all day!
try leaving her no matter how upset she is but call your ex 10 minutes later, then 10 mins after that, if she is still inconsolable then go pick her up...
at least you tried! (lets face it... he sounds like pig, she might not like him that much! lol)

He has been controlling all our married life, I stopped going out as I was sick of ther grief I got when I got home who I'd seen who I'd spoken to, who am I doing my hair for today? The last straw when he moved out was him accusing me of hairing many affairs and the thing is I haven't ever been unfaithful,

Things are a bit better since he went, I can go to bed locking the door with the key still in so he can't get in without him complaining I go to bed too early and am avoiding him. I can watch waht I like and the kids seem so much more happy and relaxed. Maybe the way is up and forward I might even treat myself to get my hair done.

this all sounds SO familiar,
that was my favorite thing after splitting up with my ex, getting dressed up without having to explain and then not having to fill out a 30 page questionairre about who i had seen, what i did, who i spoke too and had i embarrased him in any way when i got in....

he also accused me of having an affiar with everyone he could think of (his friends, my friends, male or female :rolleyes: )
ANYTHING just so he didnt have to accept that the split was mostly his fault.

i said this recently in another post but when things get too much, just sit down and think of all the other trauma you have been through that seemed huge at the time but is long gone,
no matter how bad it seems now....this too will pass.

im with a fantastic man now, the absolute love of my life and we are about to have a baby together,
my ex lives round the corner and sees our DD every day (when he is at home, he works away) infact we all see a lot of each other and get on fine,
the 3 of us exchange christmas / birthday presents and have even been on nights out together,
i realise this is quite a unique arrangement as my OH is very easy going (other men might not be so understanding) but my point is... that when me and ex first broke up i couldnt imagine spending more than 2 minutes with him without wanting to smash a frying pan across his face because he made me so bloody angry, and now look at us....
we get on better now than we have in years.


ps - when he asks who you have had your hair done for - give a huge smile and say "me"
it will do his head in :rotfl:

paddy's_mum

It seems to me that you are actively encouraging your estranged husband in his bad behaviour. He throws a wobbly then turns on the charm and you then hop into bed with him. What message is that giving him? If he was a small boy and his mother was rewarding lies, stealing or cheating by taking him on an expensive trip somewhere, you would be able to see the cause and effect much more clearly. He clicks his fingers and you jump. That is not healthy for your own self esteem nor for your children to pattern themselves on.

If you have wooden floors, arrange for a handyman friend to cut and hinge a hole in one floorboard and lodge private stuff there. If not, how about the loft or under the bath? A friend of mine lodges stuff she doesn't want seen at the bottom of the freezer. You are entitled to your privacy and have a right to take steps to preserve it.

Does your husband have a mother? If he does, why are you taking on her role? I would be intrigued to know what your own mother has to say about the situation. In my experience, one's mother knows most of the ins and outs and by being outside the situation can make an accurate assessment. I would put money on your mother loving you very much and just desperate for you to make the break away from a man who has given you very little real happiness. I would also bet that the family member who most objects to the way he is treating you is the one that your husband loathes the most - it's all in keeping with such unkind and controlling behaviour.

I know only too well what it feels like to love someone very much but dislike them to a high degree too. It has been my experience, sadly, that 'little boys' like this will continue to treat others who love them as doormats until such time as the loving ones pull the rug out from under them. I am sorry for your troubles and hope that things work out for you soon.

itsalldrivingmemad

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It seems to me that you are actively encouraging your estranged husband in his bad behaviour. He throws a wobbly then turns on the charm and you then hop into bed with him. What message is that giving him? If he was a small boy and his mother was rewarding lies, stealing or cheating by taking him on an expensive trip somewhere, you would be able to see the cause and effect much more clearly. He clicks his fingers and you jump. That is not healthy for your own self esteem nor for your children to pattern themselves on.

If you have wooden floors, arrange for a handyman friend to cut and hinge a hole in one floorboard and lodge private stuff there. If not, how about the loft or under the bath? A friend of mine lodges stuff she doesn't want seen at the bottom of the freezer. You are entitled to your privacy and have a right to take steps to preserve it.

Does your husband have a mother? If he does, why are you taking on her role? I would be intrigued to know what your own mother has to say about the situation. In my experience, one's mother knows most of the ins and outs and by being outside the situation can make an accurate assessment. I would put money on your mother loving you very much and just desperate for you to make the break away from a man who has given you very little real happiness. I would also bet that the family member who most objects to the way he is treating you is the one that your husband loathes the most - it's all in keeping with such unkind and controlling behaviour.

I know only too well what it feels like to love someone very much but dislike them to a high degree too. It has been my experience, sadly, that 'little boys' like this will continue to treat others who love them as doormats until such time as the loving ones pull the rug out from under them. I am sorry for your troubles and hope that things work out for you soon.

Your right this hit home thank you. I won't let him get his own way anymore. I have already started saying NO this morning and i will try and continue to be strong.

He has lost touch with most of his family he had a bad childhood and doesn't really havethe family values I believe in like if you have a tiff with your family you sort it out as you only get one family. He has a tiff and they don't speak for years.

I am entitled to my right to privacy - I do think this too but he thinks privacy means I have something to hide and any steps i take to preserve my privacy he think I have even more to hide and goes mad.

your right about what my family thinks of him and although they respevct that I love him they are worried and really want me to break free. What would I say to a friend of mine your right in everyway.

To me its like dieting I know what to do its just putting it into practice.

Emmzi

You sound stronger today

When you are feeling like giving in - come and post! We will all encourage you to keep that strength!

poppyscorner

Op Hi,

You need to keep being strong and saying NO to him not just to the sex side of things the fact he is relying on you for petrol/food etc is a disgrace say no to that as well he is making a mug out of you asking you to pay then drinking his petrol money he will find this money if you withdraw yours you say you still love him and that maybe so but he will never stand on his own two feet if you are supporting him you have contact because of your kids and that is something you cannot change but he needs to seperate being a father and being with you as difficult as it may seem refuse to go to his place he has the kids on their own or not at all as he sounds as though he is also manipulating you through this aswell he walked out so he has made his bed let him lie in it.

Good Luck
x