What Are My Rights?

itsalldrivingmemad

He has got worse - I think its because I am no longer bowing down to him and giving in to him but he says he is going to go for custody of the children?! This has really upset me as you can imagine I felt awful last night felling stronger this am tryingto put things into perspective but can't .....

Curious_George_2

yes you can,

think about it, you have stood up to him, so now he will say anything he can to get you to back down again!
you have scared him ... where the hell has this strong side come from?? etc

this business is never easy at the start, i mean me and my ex had one of the most amicable break ups in history.... but those first few months? wow,
they were nasty.

he will try harder and harder to hurt you the stronger and more confident you are, because he is nothing more than a bully and they HATE being told no!
but once he sees that nothing he says even touched the surface.... then whats the point of giving you a hard time?

dont forget, keep writing everything down, if he does go for custody, proof of all his nasty tactics will work in your favour

itsalldrivingmemad

Your right - I'm sticking to my guns and not going to let him do this.

I will start a diary - i have kept most things like emails and texts that are abusive and nice so i can prove how changeable he is if needs be.

Thanks for pulling me up again!!

ilovegreatdanes

hi,
just wondering how far you are with selling the house?at least then he wouldnt have such a hold over you.
did you get a lockable cabinet or somewhere secure to put your stuff.you could always put a lockable door on your bedroom so that if he comes visiting, id say you were within your rights to lock your bedroom.
be careful if you go on hols, cos he could do alot of things while you are away for more than a day.might sell your stuff or move back in or organise your benefits to go to him.
best of luck and please look after yourself.hope you dont mind mu 2ps worth.was very upset for you and had to reply.stay strong,
love ilgd xx

itsalldrivingmemad

Hello ILGD recognise you from DMP support - although I haven't been on that thread for a while put the DMP to the back of my mind whilst they are not hassling me.

The house is still for sale still get the odd viewer maybe 1 or 2 a fortnight but nothing comes of it - I think we need to reduce but obviously i need his consent to do this and he won't consent.

I never thought of that about going on holiday - thanks may need to rethink as switching my phone off on him would deffinaltly make him mad and then he could do anything.....

Going to have a nice bath and open a bottle of wine tonight me thinks.....or maybe not as I normally go to sleep wjen I am cuddling smallest dd to sleep wake up an hour later then I just can't be bothered to get up!!

ooobedoo

can't help, but ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

gravitytolls

Change the locks, for heaven's sake!

I shoudl think if you put in writing that you are changing the locks for security reasons, but you are willing to give him access to the property when he needs it, it should be fine.

Do you have solicitor dealing with your split?

Kimitatsu

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

He has got worse - I think its because I am no longer bowing down to him and giving in to him but he says he is going to go for custody of the children?! This has really upset me as you can imagine I felt awful last night felling stronger this am tryingto put things into perspective but can't .....

Hi Hon

Huge hugs x

Just remember that many men have tried this one before you because going for custody is the last bastion if you like. It is most mothers nightmare to have their children taken from them and it is just another weapon in the arsenal. In reality a tiny fraction of these cases ever get anywhere, and like you said keep a diary, make notes and keep looking after yourself.

In time you will look back on this and smile.

Kimi
x

blue_monkey_2

Hi OP,

I've scanned through but not read all of the post. For heavens sake do not give him more money. Remember, he left you, is he asking for the money? if so say no and make sure you only keep a bit of loose change in the house so you can't be tempted to give it to him. He is using his own money for beer - and he wasnt custody of the children, LOL, righto!! He can't even look after them without you being there - he sounds like he wants his cake and eat it and you are letting him.

I am GLAD you had a crap weekend because this has made you a much stronger persona dn you will come out of the other end of this smiling although I doubt it seems like this now.

Can I advise you see a soliciot, it is free as you will get legal aid if you earn under £17k so do not worry about this - you might find they want to put a charge on the property (they did my mum as she has this 'money' in the house) but you can then offset this when you sell the house, you will not have to pay NOW. If you have no money in the house then you can't do this as you'll still get the legal aid as you don't have the money. Hope that makes sense. Get this sorted now and get a letter sent to him asking him that he puts his arrangements in writing and this way the solicitor will know what is going on. This will also show him that you mean business. The CAB will just ring round solicitors and get you an appointment with one so save them the time and money and get this done for yourself.

Get yourself a small safe - I think I paid £20 for mine from Homebase and lock all your important papers and money inside. Pop off to a car boot sale and buy a selection of mens clothes and leave their either stren across the bedroom or in a neat pile where he will find them. He sounds like he want you waiting on him hand and foot and then he has his single life going out drinking (picking up women?) as well. Sorry sweetie, but he does sound a bit of a loser. I know you have put up with this all of your married life but it is time to become a stronger person and move on. I have been in a violent relationship and no, it will not happen right away, but you will become stronger at the end of this. Once you get the solicitor involved it will scare the crap into him and he will realise you mean business. For now you are at his beck and call whenever he wants it and you have to LEARN to say NO. And it is hard and you'l have more sleepless nights. If he threatens you physically in any way call the police right away - if they have to keep on coming out then that will look good in court won't it.

Likewise, if you have a solicitor he can write to him and ask him what his intentions are in the custody case.

I would not worry about anything, unless you are a poor mother, which it sound like you are not by any stretch, then he has no chance at all so do not let this even enter your head.

Hold your head up high, say no and get a solicitor - it is time you took control over this situation, you are not his doormat, nor do you owe him any money. You might want to get the solicitor to point this out to him as well that it is money for your kids - and why the hell should you not trat the girls. They have been through so much too and they deserve to be a little spoilt if you have spare cash at the end of the week.

Let us know how you get on won't you but be strong and get a solicitor - make this the first day of getting yourself a new life and getting rid of the baggage that has been dragging you down. you deserve so much more than him! Do not give him anymore money! Tell him to get a 2nd job if he is skint. Leave the stuff out you need him to see and lock everything else away. if he opens you mail then he is breaking the law so maybe you need to deal with this or maybe you could get your mail delivered to a PO box where you can pick it up or have it sent to your mums/friends. Just a thought.

Loretta

Let's get this custody thing knocked on the head straight away, most husbands, during a difficult break up will say this at some time because they know that is the one thing which will hurt you, worry you and put you in a absolute panic.

Your husband walked out of his responsibilities, can't manage to look after the children on his own, is not paying to support them, is not paying his share of the mortgage and the househol expenses, has to borrow money from you for petrol to go to work because he has spent his in the pub, sends emails being nice one minute and nasty the next, is being completely irresponsible and behaving like an idiot, is being difficult about selling the house etc and I expect that there are lots of other things you haven't told us
and you really believe that he is going to win the next father of the year contest? or the next adult of the year contest? or be awarded custody of the children? I don't think so! For a start where will he find the money? will he go without a couple of pints to pay a solicitor? where will he find the time? at the moment he goes to work goes to the pub and any free time he spends annoying you? this sort of man doesn't bother.

You think you know him well but now he has gone you need to be very aware of what he may do and take all steps to look after yourself as has been mentioned already

If you haven't seen a solicitor yet you must make this your number 1 priority, you need some help with this horrible situation, don't let it drag on, he can only get worse. If you feel you cannot deal with him and say no to him, hand the whole lot over to a solicitor who will make proper arrangements over the children, the house and money. This will cut down the things he uses as an excuse to contact you and speak to you about which will give you time to sort your head out and think carefully about him. Keep that diary and when you feel yourself weakening, when he tries to get round you, you will be able to read what happened last time in the same circumstances and how many times before

He knows that he can upset you and confuse you, get that help so that you are not on your own - although you aren't because you have got all of us!

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

He has got worse - I think its because I am no longer bowing down to him and giving in to him but he says he is going to go for custody of the children?! This has really upset me as you can imagine I felt awful last night felling stronger this am tryingto put things into perspective but can't .....