Feel bad for turning this woman down for the boxing; made a big mistake. Need advice?

theoretica

kingslayer wrote: »

There isn't much point in trying to defend myself on here. I just need to speak to her. I want to call her, but I don't know what to say. I feel really bad about the situation as it is.

I don't think you should call her or text her - I think your most sensible course of action would be to write her a letter. It means you can work out what to say in your own time, and gives her time to think too - as well as something to tear to shreds if she wishes.

Top_Girl

I'm in a very similar situation, the man I am with is 11 years younger than me with no kids and I only see him when my son's dad has him. He wouldn't dream of doing something like that.

I would be absolutely furious at your lack of consideration to be honest. You wouldn't get a fourth chance off me.

dogcat_2

Why not just call her, if that's what you feel you want to do? She can either not answer your call, or listen and not give you another go....or give you another chance...you've got nothing to lose. Good luck.

kingslayer

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

How can you be sure you won't let her down again if you are suffering from social anxiety? It's easy to say now that you won't let her down but imagine if there's a next time - you're going to be even more nervous because you know it literally is now or never, and your anxiety may kick in and take the decision out of your hands.

This is why you need to get help for your anxiety. I know you don't want to be on medication forever but what it the alternative is that anxiety messes up your life, ruins opportunities for you, and makes it almost impossible to get a partner because the first date nerves are too stressful? There is help available so you don't need to struggle like this. You may find that you don't need to stay on meds all of the time but you may need to return to them regularly in times of need. The trick is to recognise the early warning signs and start taking them again before things get too bad. You can talk to your doctor about other types of therapy to help you deal with social situations as well. But it really sounds like rejecting the medications (that you know HAVE helped you in the past) is a foolish idea right now. Go back to your doctor. It doesn't matter that a year has passed - that's irrelevant - go back and get the help you need.

As for this woman, it seems highly unlikely she will give you another chance. As far as she's concerned, you've proved yourself to unreliable and immature. The best you can hope is that you get the opportunity to explain yourself to her and apologise which will maybe lessen the blow.

Because this was the time that I preparing myself to see her. The last time I let her know well in advance (at least a day) that I couldn't make it and cancelled, whereas this time I was preparing to go and was ready, then I just had these wary thoughts about going to her's, not knowing what will happen etc.

I was thinking irrationally, I don't know. I just built up so much anxiety inside myself that I ended being overcome with nerves about the situation and decided to duck out and cancel. I really wanted to go and see her, though, it's just the nerves got the better of me.

It is frustrating and people on here will criticise me for this, but won't understand how I was feeling at the time. I don't want fricking terrible nerves before I go to see someone, it makes me feel like s***! Of course I'm going to thinking about myself, my
own well being, it's because I'm the one with the damn anxiety/insecurities all the time!

When I spoke to her yesterday morning I was nervous on the phone, but I acted cool and collected. I knew that it was crunch time and I had to go see her.

I just know that if I get the chance to see her again, I have to just do it and not wimp out. I can't let the anxiety take control.

Also, I would be honest with her and tell her how I feel and why I feel like this. If she was okay with it, I know that she would be understanding and accept it, which would make me feel a lot more confident and comfortable with the situation.

The fact that I was never honest with her is what caused me to feel like this, I'm pretty sure. If she knew beforehand i would have been able to feel happy about meeting her with less pressure to act super confident.

I want to call her right now, but I feel embarrassed about the way i treated her and I don't know how she would react to my honesty. The one thing I'm worried about being judged on, is my honesty. It has happened before and i fear it will happen again.

kingslayer

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

To be fair, there were three mistakes.

Most people won't tolerate being stood up or cancelled on last minute three times in a row. Especially not someone who has very limited time available.

It wasn't 3 mistakes, though. My friend had been attacked and stabbed outside a nightclub on the friday night before, I only found out when I woke up to a text telling me on saturday morning. The other I cancelled due to family issues and I didn't feel like seeing anyone with those problems hanging over my head.

This time was the first big mistake I made with her. If I wasn't bothered about her, I wouldn't have even spoke to her. It was only after we interacted that I became interested in her and realised she was a great person. The 3 kids wasn't an issue to me, even when she spoke about friendship and maybe something serious.

kingslayer

dogcat wrote: »

Why not just call her, if that's what you feel you want to do? She can either not answer your call, or listen and not give you another go....or give you another chance...you've got nothing to lose. Good luck.

I want to, but I just don't know how to word what to say. I'm worried if she doesn't answer, then what? I leave a answer phone message explaining why I did what I did? Be truthfully honest with her and see if she accepts it. Or text her if she doesn't answer the call? I don't want to harass her, I just want to explain in honest detail how I feel and why i did what i did.

DUTR

kingslayer wrote: »

It wasn't 3 mistakes, though. My friend had been attacked and stabbed outside a nightclub on the friday night before, I only found out when I woke up to a text telling me on saturday morning. The other I cancelled due to family issues and I didn't feel like seeing anyone with those problems hanging over my head.

This time was the first big mistake I made with her. If I wasn't bothered about her, I wouldn't have even spoke to her. It was only after we interacted that I became interested in her and realised she was a great person. The 3 kids wasn't an issue to me, even when she spoke about friendship and maybe something serious.

What story is going to happen next time? (if there were to be a next time) .

Bennifred

I don't think the lady in question needs another child. Leave her alone.

CC-Warrior

kingslayer wrote: »

Hi, guys. Basically, I've been speaking to this woman for a good while now and we've exchanged texts, spoke on the phone etc, but we have never met up.

She is 42 and i'm 25 (almost 26), and she has 3 teenage children. She seems like a lovely person and we seem to have many things in common.

The thing is, due to our schedules it has been hard to meet up. She is only really available every 2 weeks on a saturday because her children go to her mum's.

We arranged to meet up last night and everything was good, we spoke in the morning and she sounded really pleased to talk. I had planned to go see her, but my friend called me and asked if i wanted to go watch the boxing and I instead decided to cancel on her and watch the boxing. This was a really, really stupid thing to do and I absolutely regret it so much now.

I don't know what I was thinking, i really don't. Since I sent the text to cancel, she hasn't replied to me. I sent a couple of apologetic texts afterwards but still no response.

Here is the thing, i cancelled on her twice before this too. The first time being personal issues, my friend was attacked and hospitalised and so I cancelled with her, then a couple weeks ago I cancelled again because I had family problems that needed sorting out and my mind wasn't right.

Anyway, i feel really terrible this morning. She hasn't replied to my texts and I'm thinking of calling her. The thing is, I don't want to come across as needy if I keep bombarding her with calls/texts. To be fair, I've only sent the cancellation text and two short apologetic texts, but I haven't tried calling her.

I feel really down about the situation this morning. It doesn't help that my dating life has been bad for the last few years due to health issues and other aspects of my life, so I guess I feel lonely and just want to meet people, and she is a really nice person. Sounds sad, I know

What should I do? I ask this here because I know there will probably be women of a similar age to her and they can tell me what they think.

Don't let people down otherwise they'll just move on. Life is too short.

kingslayer

DUTR wrote: »

What story is going to happen next time? (if there were to be a next time) .

What do you mean "story"? My friend getting stabbed on the friday night is not a story.

Okay, maybe i could have seen her while there were issues going on between my family at that time, but i just didn't feel like i could with that on my mind.