Feel bad for turning this woman down for the boxing; made a big mistake. Need advice?

kingslayer

Hi, guys. Basically, I've been speaking to this woman for a good while now and we've exchanged texts, spoke on the phone etc, but we have never met up.

She is 42 and i'm 25 (almost 26), and she has 3 teenage children. She seems like a lovely person and we seem to have many things in common.

The thing is, due to our schedules it has been hard to meet up. She is only really available every 2 weeks on a saturday because her children go to her mum's.

We arranged to meet up last night and everything was good, we spoke in the morning and she sounded really pleased to talk. I had planned to go see her, but my friend called me and asked if i wanted to go watch the boxing and I instead decided to cancel on her and watch the boxing. This was a really, really stupid thing to do and I absolutely regret it so much now.

I don't know what I was thinking, i really don't. Since I sent the text to cancel, she hasn't replied to me. I sent a couple of apologetic texts afterwards but still no response.

Here is the thing, i cancelled on her twice before this too. The first time being personal issues, my friend was attacked and hospitalised and so I cancelled with her, then a couple weeks ago I cancelled again because I had family problems that needed sorting out and my mind wasn't right.

Anyway, i feel really terrible this morning. She hasn't replied to my texts and I'm thinking of calling her. The thing is, I don't want to come across as needy if I keep bombarding her with calls/texts. To be fair, I've only sent the cancellation text and two short apologetic texts, but I haven't tried calling her.

I feel really down about the situation this morning. It doesn't help that my dating life has been bad for the last few years due to health issues and other aspects of my life, so I guess I feel lonely and just want to meet people, and she is a really nice person. Sounds sad, I know

What should I do? I ask this here because I know there will probably be women of a similar age to her and they can tell me what they think.

elsien

Cancelling by text with no decent attempt to explain yourself? Then apologising by text? I'd be thinking stuff you, to be honest.
If you were going to cancel, and later when you were apologising, you should have done it by phone. Doing it by text comes across (to me anyway) as lazy, an avoidance mechanism, and that you don't really care either way. 3 excuses in in a row? Time for her to move on.
That's how I'd read it anyway.

Lieja

Did you tell her you where cancelling to watch the boxing with your mates?

If so, then you've probably blown it. If not, then there's slightly less chance you've blown it (depending on what your excuse was) and if it was me that had been cancelled on three times in a row I'd be ignoring you too.

ciderwithrosie_2

Well if it was me, I'd say you were taking the mick. Last night was a bit unforgiveable really. You'd made firm plans with her before your mate called, what were you thinking?


She's probably had a wake up call that a much younger guy might sound good on paper but in reality isn't very mature.


On the other hand, I don't think she's been entirely truthful with you, why do 3 teenagers need 'babysitting' at their nan's so she's free to go out for an evening? Is there a husband perhaps?


Don't text her again, you've said sorry so leave it now.

fabforty

I am a similar age to her, and my advice would be to leave her alone. It doesn't sound like you want to be with her, just that you are lonely and she will do unless something better (like watching a boxing match with your mates) comes up.

As a grown woman with three children to raise, she doesn't need to be anyone's 'port in a storm'. Move on until you find someone that you actually want a relationship with and leave her to find a man who treats her with a bit mre respect and consideration. Sorry, but you did ask..!


ETA - I don't think that there is anything suspicious about her only being available when her children are at their grandparents. Even if they are teenagers, perhaps she doesn't want them to know about her love life.

74jax

kingslayer wrote: »

I don't know what I was thinking, i really don't. Since I sent the text to cancel, she hasn't replied to me. I sent a couple of apologetic texts afterwards but still no response.

Here is the thing, i cancelled on her twice before this too..

. The thing is, I don't want to come across as needy if I keep bombarding her with calls/texts. To be fair, I've only sent the cancellation text and two short apologetic texts, but I haven't tried calling her.

and she is a really nice person. Sounds sad, I know

What should I do? I ask this here because I know there will probably be women of a similar age to her and they can tell me what they think.

Was in a similar situation to her, my DD used to go to her dad's once a fortnight and so that was 'my' only time to do what I wanted. If you cancelled and left her with no plans you can appreciate she is annoyed.

You've text twice, now leave it.

If you had really wanted to go and meet her you would have. You said yourself you don't know why you did it. What would you explain to her? 'Sorry but I don't know why I picked my friend over you'?? That sounds ridiculous, your apologising and don't even know why .

If you text her and she replied this morning, would you still be feel bad you dumped her with hours to go before your date? I doubt it.

Unfortunately I think if you like her, you should let her move on and meet someone who will pay a little more attention to her. I know it will be hard if you like her, but you need to allow her to meet someone who won't do this.

duchy

Turn it around- if you were chatting to a girl and she cancelled three dates on you -would you think she was playing games....had someone else.
Quite honestly if your mate wanting you to watch the boxing was more appealing you've probably done her a favour . Blokes who drop everything when their mates want them to do anything are a pain. Most men have grown out of that by their early twenties and balance a relationship with their friendships. The fact she's older than you has no bearing except she's less likely to accept that kind of nonsense than a teenager.
You had a straight choice meeting someone you're interested in or your mate. You chose your mate. If you were really sorry you'd have sent her a huge bunch of flowers by now not just a couple of feeble texts.

EDIT I've just had a quick look back at your other posts.
Have you thought about joining a local AmDram group? It'd improve your social life (and your social skills) as well as help you network with people involved in the acting world.

savingmummy

Just leave her be for now.


You cancelled and have apologised, not much else you can do but leave her for a bit and see if she texts you in the next couple of days.


In future I wouldn`t do cancelling dates via text, call her.

kingslayer

Another reason is because I'm a very insecure person. I'm always in my own head and sometimes I don't know what I want. I guess nerves plays a big part too, as I've suffered with social anxiety quite bad, and it's taken me a long time to get comfortable to socialise and interact well with people, so sometimes nerves plays a big part and last night I was very nervous to meet her. I will admit that I kind of chickened out and decided that going to watch the boxing was an escape route, but I just should have gone and seen her no matter how nervous I was feeling. I'm not going to explain to someone that I suffer bad from anxiety and I decided to chicken out, as that sounds even worse. On top of all this, I haven't been on a date for a good couple of years, and I was visiting someone who I haven't met before this to go to their home.

kingslayer

duchy wrote: »

Turn it around- if you were chatting to a girl and she cancelled three dates on you -would you think she was playing games....had someone else.
Quite honestly if your mate wanting you to watch the boxing was more appealing you've probably done her a favour . Blokes who drop everything when their mates want them to do anything are a pain. Most men have grown out of that by their early twenties and balance a relationship with their friendships. The fact she's older than you has no bearing except she's less likely to accept that kind of nonsense than a teenager.
You had a straight choice meeting someone you're interested in or your mate. You chose your mate. If you were really sorry you'd have sent her a huge bunch of flowers by now not just a couple of feeble texts.

I don't know the number or her home or what road she lives, so I couldn't send her flowers even if I wanted to.

JoW123

kingslayer wrote: »

Another reason is because I'm a very insecure person. I'm always in my own head and sometimes I don't know what I want. I guess nerves plays a big part too, as I've suffered with social anxiety quite bad, and it's taken me a long time to get comfortable to socialise and interact well with people, so sometimes nerves plays a big part and last night I was very nervous to meet her. I will admit that I kind of chickened out and decided that going to watch the boxing was an escape route, but I just should have gone and seen her no matter how nervous I was feeling. I'm not going to explain to someone that I suffer bad from anxiety and I decided to chicken out, as that sounds even worse. On top of all this, I haven't been on a date for a good couple of years, and I was visiting someone who I haven't met before this to go to their home.

I know this probably sounds harsh, but it's all about you isn't it?You haven't given any thought to how she might be feeling after being let down at the last minute, especially as it's the third time. Leave her be if you can't at least be honest with her as to why you keep cancelling.