Feel bad for turning this woman down for the boxing; made a big mistake. Need advice?

kingslayer

SailorSam wrote: »

You say your dating life hasn't been good these last few years 'cos of health problems, so do you really want to get back into dating or are you happy just chatting and backing off at the last minute. Especially as this woman is older are you getting your kicks out of pretending to be a toyboy and flattering them.
I i were her i'd ignore your calls. Once, amyone can have an emergengy. Even twice she's given you the benefit of the doubt. But three times, she'll be thinking this morning he can go and take the p*ss out of someone else.

Of course I'm not happy to back out of dates at the last minute. I felt comfortable chatting to her and she seemed like a great person, but I never got any pleasure from cancelling on her. I didn't want to cancel last night and I kept saying to myself "I really want to meet her, though" and I tried hyping myself up, but ultimately I just made a poor excuse instead of being honest from the start.

I do really like her and want to see her, but I'm scared to be honest.

kingslayer

ecgirl07 wrote: »

You have kinda "ruined it" by being dishonest, so next time best to "ruin it" by being honest. Yesterday you could have text "im real nervous about meeting but excited to do so, hope my nerves dont make an idiot of me" or something along those lines. Everybody is nervous before a first date - she was nervous and you cancelled for the third time - how do you think she felt when she read your text?

I understand everyone is nervous, but I hate having social anxiety. My S.A is really tough to deal with at times and it leads me to make decisions like this one. It isn't just the usual nerves normal people get, it's maximised tenfold with me. I want to come off as confident to her, not severely anxious to the point I get panic attacks.

In my head i wasn't thinking logically, I thought that being "dishonest" would make things easier for me, but ultimately it's just made things much worse. At the time I wasn't thinking like that, though. I just didn't want to tell the truth as for some reason I thought it wouldn't help my cause at all.

I have no idea how she would react to something like that. Very few girls i spoken to before have been comfortable with it, so you can understand my fear for honesty.

barba

She's probably had a reality check and will be grateful for what seems like a lucky escape.

tomtontom

If you want it to go anywhere then what is the point of putting on a confident act, when that is clearly not the real you? Newsflash, not all women want a super confident man.

You are being selfish, your mental state is no excuse for that. Stay away from women until you have worked through whatever you need do, you're clearly not ready for a relationship.

bagpussbear

You've treated this lady badly.

I'm 43, and in her shoes I'd be thinking what an immature little boy I had got involved with (sorry to be harsh, just being honest)

To be honest you don't sound ready for this relationship. You appear very focused on your needs and wants only, which will become a problem in any potential relationship going forward. I feel you need to work on that.

I also feel this wasn't the easiest of relationships to get involved with to start with - the age gap, the kids, the distance, the limited free time she has - and then add on top your own personal issues, it feels like it was doomed from the start.

Her absence of contact means she wants to be left alone, so you must respect that.

duchy

kingslayer wrote: »

Like I said, i don't know how she is feeling. When you are so focused on yourself, sometimes i don't think about other's feelings. It isn't selfish, it's just a by-product of my mental state at times.

It was stupid of me because we'd been talking for so long and I had built up a good rapport with her, only to just throw it away because of my own insecurities regarding my mental issues etc and not having the ability to be honest with her, worried that she won't understand it and become disinterested.

Would you be honest with someone you was really comfortable with, but hadn't met yet, because you thought being honest could ruin things?

Oh boy !
The whole point of friendships and relationships are that they aren't all about you !
Do mental issues make you selfish - Yes they can do - but MH issues don't stop you recognizing that fact and altering such unattractive behaviour.
Your present mode of behaviour has left you dateless for several years....... you have two choices- continue as you are and stay lonely or work on your people skills and project an attitude that other people matter to you as well. The first hasn't worked very well for you so what about trying the second ?

No woman wants a man who can;'t be honest with her.
Would YOU want to be in a relationship with a woman who couldn't be honest with you ?

duchy

kingslayer wrote: »

I understand everyone is nervous, but I hate having social anxiety. My S.A is really tough to deal with at times and it leads me to make decisions like this one. It isn't just the usual nerves normal people get, it's maximised tenfold with me. I want to come off as confident to her, not severely anxious to the point I get panic attacks.

In my head i wasn't thinking logically, I thought that being "dishonest" would make things easier for me, but ultimately it's just made things much worse. At the time I wasn't thinking like that, though. I just didn't want to tell the truth as for some reason I thought it wouldn't help my cause at all.

I have no idea how she would react to something like that. Very few girls i spoken to before have been comfortable with it, so you can understand my fear for honesty.

So deal with the SA - professionally.
Thousands of people have SA- including some very well known people in the public eye-there are lots of different treatments out there. There's a very well known singer who had been on stage and TV since he was four who was struck with SA in his thirties- He describes it as "Knowing I would die" and it took time away- medication and lots of therapy. He's back working- TV, arena shows, Vegas residency ........ It is possible to deal with SA.

You have two choices - sit back and say "It's not my fault and other people *have* to deal with me as I am (they don't) .......or say "I have SA and I need to learn how to deal with it so it doesn't ruin my relationships and my life"

BrassicWoman

You can't "really like her" when you've never met her, and you opt out over boxing!

Leave her alone. You have been cruel.

Get one of your mates to take you on a speed dating night.

kingslayer

duchy wrote: »

Oh boy !
The whole point of friendships and relationships are that they aren't all about you !
Do mental issues make you selfish - Yes they can do - but MH issues don't stop you recognizing that fact and altering such unattractive behaviour.
Your present mode of behaviour has left you dateless for several years....... you have two choices- continue as you are and stay lonely or work on your people skills and project an attitude that other people matter to you as well. The first hasn't worked very well for you so what about trying the second ?

I never said they were all about me. And if you knew me, you would know I'm not a selfish person at all!

One of the main reasons I was dateless is because I knew i wouldn't want to bring a girl into my life during that time. I had severe depression/anxiety, so bringing someone into my life wouldn't have been wise at all and may have made me feel worse.

kingslayer

BrassicWoman wrote: »

You can't "really like her" when you've never met her, and you opt out over boxing!

Leave her alone. You have been cruel.

Get one of your mates to take you on a speed dating night.

I guess, but we'd spoken on the phone as well as texting. I knew her personality, we had good chats and things in common too.