Feel bad for turning this woman down for the boxing; made a big mistake. Need advice?

duchy

But we don't know you - we are judging you on the facts you have presented about yourself - and your behaviour towards this woman.

People judge on what they see - whether it is on-line or face to face- people here are seeing a selfish young man who is more concerned about himself than the woman he has cancelled on at the last moment. When someone asked you how she felt- you dismissed her feelings and waffled on about how hard life is for you. Not a very attractive trait.

What you lack is empathy- you see it all from your viewpoint.
Look at it from hers- she has one night a fortnight she can go out- she chose to spend that one night with you. You ditched her at short notice -leaving her no time to make alternative plans -for a night out with the boys.

It's not like you are a nice person who has treated her well and this is a blip- This was effectively a first date -a time when you give the best impression to the person you want to like you- not your worst !!! She's going to be thinking "If he can treat me like this a the beginning- how much worse can it get once he's more sure of me" .

Giving her a load of excuses after the event and trying to make her feel sorry for you isn't likely to work as you've let her down three times -

Next time make a first date something more casual - like a drink or a coffee - maybe at lunchtime -but honestly this lady would need to be nuts to give you a fourth chance when she has already told you she has such little free time to socialize.

tomtontom

kingslayer wrote: »

I never said they were all about me. And if you knew me, you would know I'm not a selfish person at all!

One of the main reasons I was dateless is because I knew i wouldn't want to bring a girl into my life during that time. I had severe depression/anxiety, so bringing someone into my life wouldn't have been wise at all and may have made me feel worse.

Being selfish is something generally observed by others, not yourself. Take it as constructive feedback, don't dismiss it.

SailorSam

kingslayer wrote: »

I understand everyone is nervous, but I hate having social anxiety. My S.A is really tough to deal with at times and it leads me to make decisions like this one. It isn't just the usual nerves normal people get, it's maximised tenfold with me. I want to come off as confident to her, not severely anxious to the point I get panic attacks.

Eehh, i suffer from SAD and i'm nervous at meeting and speaking to people, but through the magic of the Internet you can speak to people you don't know while you're hiding behind the computer. Then after a while you become more comfortable with them, you think of them as a friend even though you've never met, and it's easier then in real life.
You've said yourself you're comfortable chatting, now is the time that for real life. To cancel a date 'cos of illness is one thing, but a boxing match ? That's no excuse.

kingslayer

duchy wrote: »

So deal with the SA - professionally.
Thousands of people have SA- including some very well known people in the public eye-there are lots of different treatments out there. There's a very well known singer who had been on stage and TV since he was four who was struck with SA in his thirties- He describes it as "Knowing I would die" and it took time away- medication and lots of therapy. He's back working- TV, arena shows, Vegas residency ........ It is possible to deal with SA.

You have two choices - sit back and say "It's not my fault and other people *have* to deal with me as I am (they don't) .......or say "I have SA and I need to learn how to deal with it so it doesn't ruin my relationships and my life"

I was on medication for over 3 years. The first 8 months I would just cope with panic attacks as I was too embarrassed to go to the doctors or tell anyone what was happening.

I have been off the medication as I was better for while, but I just don't want to rely on pills a every day. I want to try and get over this without being reliant on medication.

I am too embarrassed, even now to go back to the doctors and tell them how I am feeling. I just know that they will palm me off with pills and that's that.

That last part is easier said than done. I am trying, though.

duchy

kingslayer wrote: »

I was on medication for over 3 years. The first 8 months I would just cope with panic attacks as I was too embarrassed to go to the doctors or tell anyone what was happening.

I have been off the medication as I was better for while, but I just don't want to rely on pills a every day. I want to try and get over this without being reliant on medication.

I am too embarrassed, even now to go back to the doctors and tell them how I am feeling. I just know that they will palm me off with pills and that's that.

That last part is easier said than done. I am trying, though.

Sorry but that is an excuse
Doctors have heard it all -and if you were on medication that worked why on earth come off it ?
If you had diabetes - would you stop taking insulin ?
You have a condition that requires medication -and by coming off of it without medical supervision may even have made the condition worse than it was before medication.
Your doctor already knows you have SA so why would you be embarrassed to say "Your treatment didn't work ." or "I would like to explore therapy rather than drugs" Surely if his or her treatment didn't work then as a trained professional they should be the one embarrassed ?

kingslayer

duchy wrote: »

But we don't know you - we are judging you on the facts you have presented about yourself - and your behaviour towards this woman.

People judge on what they see - whether it is on-line or face to face- people here are seeing a selfish young man who is more concerned about himself than the woman he has cancelled on at the last moment. When someone asked you how she felt- you dismissed her feelings and waffled on about how hard life is for you. Not a very attractive trait.

What you lack is empathy- you see it all from your viewpoint.
Look at it from hers- she has one night a fortnight she can go out- she chose to spend that one night with you. You ditched her at short notice -leaving her no time to make alternative plans -for a night out with the boys.

It's not like you are a nice person who has treated her well and this is a blip- This was effectively a first date -a time when you give the best impression to the person you want to like - not your worst !!! She's going to be thinking "If he can treat me like this a the beginning- how much worse can it get once he's more sure of me" .

Giving her a load of excuses after the event and trying to make her feel sorry for you isn't likely to work as you've let her down three times -

Next time make a first date something more casual - like a drink or a coffee - maybe at lunchtime -but honestly this lady would need to be nuts to give you a fourth chance when she has already told you she has such little free time to socialize.

I understand what you are saying. I do realise I have treated her bad and she must feel terrible. I just wish I had been honest from the start.

I hope she can give me one more chance. The thing is, I don't know what to do because i really want to talk to her, apologise and be 100% honest with her. :undecided:huh:

I just don't know how to get her trust back again. I feel really about the situation and shouldn't have done what I did.

kingslayer

duchy wrote: »

Sorry but that is an excuse
Doctors have heard it all -and if you were on medication that worked why on earth come off it ?
If you had diabetes - would you stop taking insulin ?
You have a condition that requires medication -and by coming off of it without medical supervision may even have made the condition worse than it was before medication.
Your doctor already knows you have SA so why would you be embarrassed to say "Your treatment didn't work ." or "I would like to explore therapy rather than drugs" Surely if his or her treatment didn't work then as a trained professional they should be the one embarrassed ?

The doctor slowly reduced the amount I was taking of the medication. I was weaned off of it slowly, month by month, until the doctor felt that I was better. The problem was, I wasn't really being exposed to situations where my social anxiety was going to be a problem, so until that happened, I was doing okay.

I was off the medication for a while and I was better, but then there were more personal stresses and eventually I was back to it again. I went back on medication again and the same thing happened, I was weaned off slowly. I have been trying to cope without medication for about a year now, but i've been off of the medication for so long that I just feel embarrassed about going back to see the doctor now.

But every time I come off of the medication, I end up with anxiety again and it's really frustrating. No one wants to be stuck on medication their whole lives. I eat healthy and exercise well, but I still have this mental disorder that doesn't improve. I want to walk out of the door and not have mini panic attacks when walking through a busy high street, or standing around in a packed bar etc.

DUTR

kingslayer wrote: »

I understand what you are saying. I do realise I have treated her bad and she must feel terrible. I just wish I had been honest from the start.

I hope she can give me one more chance. The thing is, I don't know what to do because i really want to talk to her, apologise and be 100% honest with her. :undecided:huh:

I just don't know how to get her trust back again. I feel really about the situation and shouldn't have done what I did.

It sounds like you may have met her online then?
She's probably used to being let down, but it doesn't make it acceptable for you to join the list.
Meeting new people can be exciting and is part of the adventure in life.
Next time you get the opportunity the meet up with someone new, then grab it, yes it is scary but it's also interesting, your mates will always be there tomorrow, and the result of the boxing match would not have changed whether you spectated or not.
For me I adopt a 2 weekends to meet, if they or I are really that keen to meet then we will.

SailorSam

kingslayer wrote: »

I hope she can give me one more chance. The thing is, I don't know what to do because i really want to talk to her, apologise and be 100% honest with her. :undecided:huh:

If you've got an email address as well as her phone number send her a link to this thread.
Maybe she'll understand what you say happend.

FBaby

You are just not mature enough to consider seeing a woman much older than you that lives away from you, who will be at a stage in her life that you know nothing about and won't be able to relate to.

If you can't cope with the prospect of meeting her for the first time and as a result chicken out like a teenager, how do you think you will be in a position to deal with much more stressful situations that will come from seeing an older women with children?

Forget about her and concentrate on meeting someone your age or younger, who lives locally and who you will meet for the first time face to face and you can see how it goes.

To be honest, if that woman forgives you and agree on setting up a 4th date, she is very foolish.