Akward Situation...

FBaby

I would re-read seriously TrickyWicky post because I think what he wrote would ring very true for many men.

I thought about asking her in our first year but we had the odd spat here and there, then she'd nag about me not wanting to marry her and that put me off a bit more, then I had some health problems, which caused hassle work wise, then more health problems and more work problems and to be frank, I was terrified of being rejected due to the health and work issues. Long story short, I delayed asking her for years because I wanted things to be "right" when I asked her. By right I mean no stresses, no pressure from her etc.

I think my OH would have written something very similar at the time. We had totally different perspective on how being married would affect our relationship. He considered that there was no point in considering getting married until our relationship was perfect in every way, so he could enter married life with no stress and totally confident that it was the right thing to do. I saw marriage as a way to release the pressure we were experiencing that created our non perfect relationship. In the end, I think my OH asked me to marry him because he decided to trust me completely. I have to say that I was right, we haven't had one argument and have never been so close since we've been engaged.

I do now also recall your previous thread. It's not that long ago that there were quite important tensions in your relationship. It's not that long since youv'e started to live together. I think it would be fair to see it the other way with you wanting to go to fast. You've only just settled into your new life together, you are still both young, so why getting married now?

I would advise you take TrickyWicky advice and release the mental pressure which is probably the cause of the arguments. There's been one common word used by TW, your boyfriend and my OH which is 'right time'. It is the right time for you, but not for him yet.

Person_one

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Hey, hope you don't mind me chiming in here..

I've been with my GF almost a decade. Last year, four days after our 9th anniversary, I finally got around to proposing to her. Yes, nine years. I thought about asking her in our first year but we had the odd spat here and there, then she'd nag about me not wanting to marry her and that put me off a bit more, then I had some health problems, which caused hassle work wise, then more health problems and more work problems and to be frank, I was terrified of being rejected due to the health and work issues. Long story short, I delayed asking her for years because I wanted things to be "right" when I asked her. By right I mean no stresses, no pressure from her etc. Last year I had emergency surgery and months later after finally being given the all clear I decided it was now or never. She said yes. I figured I'd probably marry her in the next 12 months and get it over and done with.. and then more health complications came up :mad:

So now I need at least three more operations (more likely to be four) and I have no intention of marrying her with all of those hanging over my head. She knows it, we've talked about it, she's pleaded with me just to marry her but I don't want to be the hubby weighing her down. Not really a nice way to start married life is it.

Over the years I've had numerous opportunities to cheat on her. I think I counted 8 or 9 girls that were clearly into me and yet I've never once done so. She's had doubts about me many times yet I've always stayed faithful to her despite some tempting offers that were handed to me on a plate. Some of them were real stunners too (one even admitting to splitting with her BF over me).

I'm also quite distrusting of women for various reasons and my GF has given me many reasons to doubt her in the past - even contributing in a major way to my health problems. This has also made me doubt her and her motives many times. For years she's also talked of having kids yet stayed on the pill. Surgery goes wrong and at the wrongest time she could ever pick she decided to tell me she's going to stop taking it as she wants to get pregnant. Worst thing is that her GP now thinks she may have something that will stop her getting pregnant so it's possibly been a total waste of time for both of us. When we first got together I told her if I ever had kids I wanted six of them so she never had doubts there but they have never materialised and I have often found myself wondering if its a sign she's not the one causing me to stall more.

One thing I will say is don't nag him. Us blokes want a woman who is:
1) into sex (though not with someone else and not a prude who uses sex as a bargaining chip)
2) doesn't nag - who wants a future full of that?
3) isn't a spend thrift or high maintenance
4) easy to get along with.

Us blokes aren't all bad, our logic makes sense (to us at least) and we always have reasons for everything though we don't share them as we often think you women won't understand how we feel. It's a bit like you women really.. us blokes don't understand you either but you women all understand each other lol.

Oh one final thing.. a week after I proposed and put an engagement ring on her finger, she turned around and told me marriage isn't a big deal to her and it's just a bit of paper Then life gets hard again a few months later and then she's talking of wanting to get married asap despite me still having my problems :mad:

This post is completely off topic and no use to the OP.

However, can you please show it to your girlfriend? Poor woman's got bags to pack!

Person_one

BunnieJ wrote: »

We eventually settled our disagreement and set up a joint account just for our bills. So far it seems to be working. Now I've got a better job which pays slightly more money I won't be so strapped for cash. He hasn't expected or asked me to contribute more now my salary is increased (it's not by that much), but it will help me pay him back the money he lent me quicker

The money he lent you? Please tell me you aren't paying him the full amount he initially wanted?

TrickyWicky

Person_one wrote: »

This post is completely off topic and no use to the OP.

However, can you please show it to your girlfriend? Poor woman's got bags to pack!

So giving a mans perspective of a 9 year delay (versus the ops 6 years) does not help the op to see how us men work?

My GF knows everything I've posted btw. If anyone needs to pack their bags, it's you out of this topic!

FBaby

Nagging is horrible, and some women do tend to do this a lot, and then not understand why they don't get their way at the end of it. It reminds me of my kids going on 'but mummy, please, please, come on mummy'. Their demand might be reasonable, I might just not be ready to give in to it, but one thing sure, when they start whinging about it, It's an automatic no.

I found TW reasons very realistic. Yes, I found the list of what blokes want a bit limited, but ultimately, I think there is some real truth behind it. I also thought is attitude towards his partner not getting pregnant being very one sided, but again, it shows how we can all be and how there are different perspectives to one situation.

On this matter TW, without diverting the OP, have you thought that maybe she didn't agree to children because she wanted the security of marriage before deciding to have children?That if it wasn't the right time for you to be married (even though you wanted to), maybe on the same basis, it wasn't the right time to have children?

This post is completely off topic and no use to the OP

Don't see how his post was off topic considering he touched on exactly what the OP expressed concerned about.

mountainofdebt

FBaby wrote: »

Nagging is horrible, and some women do tend to do this a lot, and then not understand why they don't get their way at the end of it. It reminds me of my kids going on 'but mummy, please, please, come on mummy'. Their demand might be reasonable, I might just not be ready to give in to it, but one thing sure, when they start whinging about it, It's an automatic no.

.

Totally agree - if there's one thing I've learnt is that if I want something or want hubby to do something you suggest it once, and leave it at least a week before mentioning it again and then doing it in a subtle way is better

Person_one

TrickyWicky wrote: »

So giving a mans perspective of a 9 year delay (versus the ops 6 years) does not help the op to see how us men work?

I don't think all men think and act the same any more than all women think and act the same. Why would you be a spokesperson for half the species?

If you think you're doing your girlfriend some sort of favour by not cheating on her, then she can do better.

poet123

I think that if you are living together happily and there are no apparent issues in the relationship then if one or other doesn't want to fully commit by getting married they are just not that into you. If it is mutual that is fine, but there is no way I would hang on and wait, and wait, to be asked. It can be rationalised every which way, but for me the bottom line would be; he has reservations. And I would be out of the door. It would be a question of self respect and valuing myself more than to wait and see if he could get over his reservations.

pleasedelete

BunnieJ wrote: »

I'm in my mid-twenties, so fertility isn't an issue atm (not sure if I even want to have children yet).

Somebody in my OH's family was in a longterm relationship for years with no interest in marriage or kids. They broke up, fast forward a few years and he's happliy married to somebody else with a child in his 50s.

he's.

So much easier if male. I have 2 friends who were part of couples (1 married 1 not) been together 1 5 years . They (couples) didn't want children. They seemed happy. They were both dumped by their OHs (the men) who left them mid forties for younger women and had children within 2 years. easy to be a 1st time dad after 45- almost impossible to be a mum.

FBaby

I don't think all men think and act the same any more than all women think and act the same. Why would you be a spokesperson for half the species?

I don't know why you are having a go at TW He gave his perspective just like everyone else (female) have done on this thread. It's actually quite good to have it from a male considering this is about interpreting the thought of a male rather than female. I don't see how TW perspective is any less valuable than that of the female posters who have provided theirs.

If you think you're doing your girlfriend some sort of favour by not cheating on her, then she can do better.

I didn't read this at all as you've interpreted it. I read it as saying that they both had insecurities about each other but that hers about him possibly cheating were unfounded since despite opportunities he has never considered cheating on her ever...therefore concluding that she had no reasons to be worried about it.