Akward Situation...

FBaby

6 years dating in your early 20 doesn't seem that long to me. I was with OH 5 years and we are much older. We were in a committed relationship after 2 months together and agree to move in after 4 months so waiting to be asked to get married six seemed very long!

ChasingDreams_3

Hi OP,

Me and OH have been together for 7 years and living together for 5. One by one, all our friends and siblings have married. Even our younger ones! It never bothered me much but in the past year two more couples have gotten engaged/married and this has made us LAST ones left in our circle of friends.

Now people make even more of a habit of talking about ' it`s you next' or whatever variation and that does irritate me. I never think in lines of comparing or keeping up so I don`t care about being last for being last, if you see what I mean. I`m really dreading this wedding in July and the fuss over our marital status. I feel it`s taken a lot out of the romance of it. I know we`ll eventually be married, as I think we`re the ones for each other , but I have to admit its a bit of a let down to be in this position . We are child free by choice , so it isn`t the start of a family, but I would like a house of our own and a bit of security .

To get back to the point, I would be worried if he kicked off a massive fuss over something you disagree on. It`s never a good sign. You should ask yourself if YOU want to marry HIM ? Not because of everyone else being married, but because you really want to? You`re sensitive now because you feel like no one is picking a ring for you, but I suggest you enjoy not being tied down for now as it might be a blessing in disguise.

Alternatively, if you desperately want to marry and he doesen`t under any circumstances 'give in' - then move on and start again.

Person_one

BunnieJ wrote: »

I understand what you're saying, but after 6 years patience begins to wear out! I've told him we need to talk about things :-/

You were teenagers when you started seeing each other though, is that right? You've grown up together and you're both still very young. What does he want out of life? How does he want to spend the rest of his twenties? You want the traditional setup of getting married and buying a house, is that all you want? Do you ever talk of travelling, of doing things for fun for the sake of it, of things you want to achieve before settling down?

I'm assuming that this is the first/only serious relationship for both of you?

[Deleted User]

If he's saying he's not bothered but bothered enough to get involved in a big argument about not being bothered, there is something he is VERY bothered about.., if you get my meaning.

There is something there.

I would have thought six years is long enough to work through any concerns. He may say he's open to marriage but is that just window dressing? Because if he's open to marriage.., why isn't it happening?

Person_one

Ok, I've just re-read your previous thread about your argument over money.

I'm amazed you've managed to completely work all that out so quickly, are you entirely happy with the situation now?

Bearing in mind the background plus the information from today's thread, I wouldn't be in any hurry to marry this man if I were you even if he wanted to. Is the thought of striking out alone and living independently as a twenty something at all tempting? Its a pretty good life, less stressful...

egoode

I remember reading your earlier thread about your money issues however I think you need to take a step back and realise that even though you have been together for 6 years you also spent a some of that time in a long distance relationship and are still adjusting to living together.

I think rather than worrying about your relationship and if you are going to get married. You should try and really start building a life for yourself outside of your boyfriend. You already said earlier in this thread you would have no friends etc if you broke up I wonder if your worries about not being engaged/married are because it's your way to feel more secure in making a big move to be with him.

I really think you need to start joining some clubs and try and meet some new people outside of your boyfriends group of friends.

Anatidaephobia

Just wondering, BunnieJ, is communication always a problem with your OH or is it only when you talk about marriage/weddings?

TrickyWicky

BunnieJ wrote: »

The akwardness is that they have been dating about a year, whereas my OH and I have been dating for 6 years and he has shown no interest in getting engaged/married whatsoever. I've confronted him about it before and said I would like to eventually get married - not for the big day etc - but because I want to be married to him, but he still seems to not be bothered.

millysg1 wrote: »

I was with my OH 7 years when we got engaged

Hey, hope you don't mind me chiming in here..

I've been with my GF almost a decade. Last year, four days after our 9th anniversary, I finally got around to proposing to her. Yes, nine years. I thought about asking her in our first year but we had the odd spat here and there, then she'd nag about me not wanting to marry her and that put me off a bit more, then I had some health problems, which caused hassle work wise, then more health problems and more work problems and to be frank, I was terrified of being rejected due to the health and work issues. Long story short, I delayed asking her for years because I wanted things to be "right" when I asked her. By right I mean no stresses, no pressure from her etc. Last year I had emergency surgery and months later after finally being given the all clear I decided it was now or never. She said yes. I figured I'd probably marry her in the next 12 months and get it over and done with.. and then more health complications came up :mad:

So now I need at least three more operations (more likely to be four) and I have no intention of marrying her with all of those hanging over my head. She knows it, we've talked about it, she's pleaded with me just to marry her but I don't want to be the hubby weighing her down. Not really a nice way to start married life is it.

Over the years I've had numerous opportunities to cheat on her. I think I counted 8 or 9 girls that were clearly into me and yet I've never once done so. She's had doubts about me many times yet I've always stayed faithful to her despite some tempting offers that were handed to me on a plate. Some of them were real stunners too (one even admitting to splitting with her BF over me).

I'm also quite distrusting of women for various reasons and my GF has given me many reasons to doubt her in the past - even contributing in a major way to my health problems. This has also made me doubt her and her motives many times. For years she's also talked of having kids yet stayed on the pill. Surgery goes wrong and at the wrongest time she could ever pick she decided to tell me she's going to stop taking it as she wants to get pregnant. Worst thing is that her GP now thinks she may have something that will stop her getting pregnant so it's possibly been a total waste of time for both of us. When we first got together I told her if I ever had kids I wanted six of them so she never had doubts there but they have never materialised and I have often found myself wondering if its a sign she's not the one causing me to stall more.

One thing I will say is don't nag him. Us blokes want a woman who is:
1) into sex (though not with someone else and not a prude who uses sex as a bargaining chip)
2) doesn't nag - who wants a future full of that?
3) isn't a spend thrift or high maintenance
4) easy to get along with.

Us blokes aren't all bad, our logic makes sense (to us at least) and we always have reasons for everything though we don't share them as we often think you women won't understand how we feel. It's a bit like you women really.. us blokes don't understand you either but you women all understand each other lol.

Oh one final thing.. a week after I proposed and put an engagement ring on her finger, she turned around and told me marriage isn't a big deal to her and it's just a bit of paper Then life gets hard again a few months later and then she's talking of wanting to get married asap despite me still having my problems :mad:

PenguinJim

CH27 wrote: »

He is basically making it clear he will never marry & but is happy to keep you dangling.
He is being very disrespectful of you.

If it was a true partnership you would talk about & be aware of each other's viewpoints & try to work it out.

To put it the other way, she's making it clear that she's looking for marriage but she's happy to keep him while it's convenient, despite knowing he's not going to marry her. She is being equally disrespectful of him.

It seems from what she's said that they've discussed it and ARE aware of each other's viewpoints. That they're not married simply means that it's worked out in one's favour, and not the other's. It would be equally unfair if it had worked out the other way (and a lot more expensive). Why do you think the OP should have more rights in this relationship than her boyfriend?

OP, I'll ask again: is he the one? You know if he is or he isn't. If you're not sure, then he isn't. Go and find your perfect match.

If he is the one, maybe he simply feels you're both too young, and is waiting until you're... I dunno, 26? 28? Did his parents or sibling get married at a very young age and it ended badly? (I must admit I feel some prejudice about couples that get married around 20 - not justifiable, I know, and I'm not proud of it, but I always think "why did they rush in at that age?")

BunnieJ

Thanks for all the replies Sorry for the the long reply!

I haven't spoken to him yet as he went to the pub with work collegues tonight (I was invited, but felt in no mood to go) and he got in and passed out on the sofa.

I tried to talk to my mum about the whole situation and her response was, "you know what he's like, you chose to be with him. That's typical of him" which wasn't the most helpful answer, but I guess she's got a point...that's mums for you!

I'll do this in reverse order.

To put it the other way, she's making it clear that she's looking for marriage but she's happy to keep him while it's convenient, despite knowing he's not going to marry her. She is being equally disrespectful of him.

It seems from what she's said that they've discussed it and ARE aware of each other's viewpoints. That they're not married simply means that it's worked out in one's favour, and not the other's. It would be equally unfair if it had worked out the other way (and a lot more expensive). Why do you think the OP should have more rights in this relationship than her boyfriend?

:huh:

I kind of get the point you're trying to make. I agree you should have equal rights to your OH in any relationship, and I hope people aren't assuming I want more rights than him. As for "keeping him while it's convienient" our realtionship has been anything but! We've been in a LDR for a large part of it and still made it work. Then I moved across the country to be with him, meaning a new job, new friends, new everything practically, which I decided to do because I love him.

Us blokes aren't all bad, our logic makes sense (to us at least) and we always have reasons for everything though we don't share them as we often think you women won't understand how we feel.

A bit of sharing how you feel would make things a lot bloody easier! How do you know we won't understand how you feel if you never tell us anything? :rotfl:

Just wondering, BunnieJ, is communication always a problem with your OH or is it only when you talk about marriage/weddings?

He's the strong silent type when it comes to communicating about anything. We don't usually "argue" as such, more heated debates as he hates confrontations (I think it might be because of his parents fighting when he was younger, but he'd never admit to that).

If he is the one, maybe he simply feels you're both too young, and is waiting until you're... I dunno, 26? 28? Did his parents or sibling get married at a very young age and it ended badly? (I must admit I feel some prejudice about couples that get married around 20 - not justifiable, I know, and I'm not proud of it, but I always think "why did they rush in at that age?")

This sort of links in with my above comment. His parents met around late teens and were married with children by early twenties. When his two older siblings had grown up and moved out his parents got divorced, he was 15 and still at home during this time. I've asked him before if he doesn't agree with the marriage thing because of this, but he always says no and it hasn't affected his view of it. Hmm...

I agree with you on the getting married young thing. A lot of people I know were engaged/married/house/kids by 22! I thought they were crazy Now all my friends that are around our age (25-27) are doing it too! I don't think that's too young.

Ok, I've just re-read your previous thread about your argument over money.

I'm amazed you've managed to completely work all that out so quickly, are you entirely happy with the situation now?

Bearing in mind the background plus the information from today's thread, I wouldn't be in any hurry to marry this man if I were you even if he wanted to. Is the thought of striking out alone and living independently as a twenty something at all tempting? Its a pretty good life, less stressful...

We eventually settled our disagreement and set up a joint account just for our bills. So far it seems to be working. Now I've got a better job which pays slightly more money I won't be so strapped for cash. He hasn't expected or asked me to contribute more now my salary is increased (it's not by that much), but it will help me pay him back the money he lent me quicker

I have plenty of friends living the young, single lifestyle and they're always stressed over something! It doesn't interest me at all. Although I'm part of a couple, we still do lots of things on our own.

If he's saying he's not bothered but bothered enough to get involved in a big argument about not being bothered, there is something he is VERY bothered about.., if you get my meaning.

There is something there.

I would have thought six years is long enough to work through any concerns. He may say he's open to marriage but is that just window dressing? Because if he's open to marriage.., why isn't it happening?

Exactly. That's what worries me

You were teenagers when you started seeing each other though, is that right? You've grown up together and you're both still very young. What does he want out of life? How does he want to spend the rest of his twenties? You want the traditional setup of getting married and buying a house, is that all you want? Do you ever talk of travelling, of doing things for fun for the sake of it, of things you want to achieve before settling down?

I'm assuming that this is the first/only serious relationship for both of you?

Personally I'm not a big fan of travelling (hate flying and being away from home comforts). I know he would like to do something like that, so if he wanted to go with his friends for example, I would have no problem with it. Equally I know he doesn't mind me doing what I want. There are things we want to do together too, like setting up our own business, building a house etc. Being married doesn't mean giving up everthing you want to do. I guess it's different when you have children, but we don't and aren't planning any soon, so why would it matter that we're married if one of us wanted to do something?

We've both had other relationships (we broke up during uni and had 2 years apart) but he's the only one I can say I've really wanted to be with. Maybe he feels differently? I don't know.

Hi OP,

Me and OH have been together for 7 years and living together for 5. One by one, all our friends and siblings have married. Even our younger ones! It never bothered me much but in the past year two more couples have gotten engaged/married and this has made us LAST ones left in our circle of friends.

Now people make even more of a habit of talking about ' it`s you next' or whatever variation and that does irritate me. I never think in lines of comparing or keeping up so I don`t care about being last for being last, if you see what I mean. I`m really dreading this wedding in July and the fuss over our marital status. I feel it`s taken a lot out of the romance of it. I know we`ll eventually be married, as I think we`re the ones for each other , but I have to admit its a bit of a let down to be in this position . We are child free by choice , so it isn`t the start of a family, but I would like a house of our own and a bit of security .

To get back to the point, I would be worried if he kicked off a massive fuss over something you disagree on. It`s never a good sign. You should ask yourself if YOU want to marry HIM ? Not because of everyone else being married, but because you really want to? You`re sensitive now because you feel like no one is picking a ring for you, but I suggest you enjoy not being tied down for now as it might be a blessing in disguise.

Alternatively, if you desperately want to marry and he doesen`t under any circumstances 'give in' - then move on and start again.

Yes. It feels totally like all the romance has gone Each time somebody we know has an adorable engagement story or a lovely wedding and people say "when are you going to make her an honest woman" it takes all the romance out of it. I'm pretty sure my OH's idea of a proposal would be "might as well get married then" said in a begrudging way, like it's all too much effort for him. The character Jim Royal just sprung to mind!

It's hard to explain that I'm not just going on about it because everyone else is doing it or putting up pictures of their engagement ring on FB etc. Those things get to me because I want to be married to him.

If he just didn't believe in marriage and we knew we'd be "the one" for each other, then I'd probably just let it go as I kew it would never happen. It's the fact that he has always said he's got nothing against getting married that upsets me.