Akward Situation...

whichwhydoIturn

Hello Bunny , my DD & her OH are marrying this year after being together for 8 years.
Birthdays and Christmases came and went , me & DD OH mum would be waiting in the wings for THAT moment .
THAT moment came not on a birthday , but on a snowy cold day in Wales whilst walking their dog.
The time was right .
So don't despair
It's better to take a while and get it right than make a mistake
X

TrickyWicky

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But what has changed TW - a generation ago, when it wasn't very acceptable to live with each other before marriage, men seemed to have far less trouble coping with societal pressure to propose: they just did it and got married. (Genuine question)

Yes I know!

Thing is back then there were less immigrants, more jobs, cheaper housing...

The average wedding these days apparently costs £15k! Yes £15k! Thats often the deposit on a house (and thats hard to come by for many folks). I know it can be done cheaper than that but it's still something that most men today find to be a big financial commitment along with having a car and enough money to take his girl out every now and then.

Society also still seems to expect the man to pay for a lot of things in a relationship too. Not only is he supposed to be the bread winner but he's expected to pay for drinks, days out, trips away etc. In todays world this is simply not possible. Granted the tide is turning in this respect (eg my girl is the bread winner and often pays for meals out) but then that can leave the fella feeling inadequate too!

Tradition also used to dictate that the bride to bes parents would pay for the big day but that doesn't happen much these days either so there is a LOT of pressure on us blokes these days that a lot of women don't understand or want to acknowledge. I've been through all of this with my girl and she didn't see any of it as a real issue yet it really is.

Plus there was the 80s.. huge recession that saw many couples split up, many kids living with one parent etc. Societys understanding of marriage has changed dramatically due to that too. Once it was for life, these days a lot of people understand that it may not be and are hesitant for that reason too.

I suspect I shall be shot now for my views but hey ho lol

ecgirl07

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Yes I know!

Thing is back then there were less immigrants, more jobs, cheaper housing...



I suspect I shall be shot now for my views but hey ho lol

I was enjoying your point of view til you went a bit ukip/edl - is that really how folks are viewing the world now? Utterly depressing.

(apologies for the thread derail - but i guess men arent asking women to marry them because there are too many immigrants)

Person_one

"I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but...it's these Romanians you see..."

:rotfl:

Person_one

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But what has changed TW - a generation ago, when it wasn't very acceptable to live with each other before marriage, men seemed to have far less trouble coping with societal pressure to propose: they just did it and got married. (Genuine question)

I know you didn't ask, but in my opinion it's largely because of the way our culture has changed in the way it views unmarried men and women. Marriage used to be a necessity to be considered a grown up and respectable member of society, it affected your chances of getting things like bank loans, jobs, promotions etc. it was also the only socially acceptable way to have sex or children.

Now, marriage is optional, you only do it if you really want to. That's great and a huge step forward but for some reason it's led to this idea in popular culture that men don't really want marriage, they want to be carefree bachelors and sow their wild oats. Women are portrayed as desperate to 'hook' a man and tie him down, it's apparently their main aim in life.

A surprising number of people then actually buy into these ideas and think that's how relationships work, so they play up to the stereotypes. Some men start getting funny ideas that all the women they meet want nothing more than to knock them out and drag them up the aisle and to B&Q afterwards, while some women start getting funny ideas about marriage being some sort of achievement or competition, a race to get a ring on their finger.

The people who seem to have the most sensible ideas about marriage at the moment are the gay and lesbian couples who've only just been allowed to join in! :cool:

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

"I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but...it's these Romanians you see..."

:rotfl:

For some reason I misread that and thought 'ooh, Person_one's just outed themselves as a trekkie' :rotfl:

Brighton_belle

Thanks for the reply TW. I could/can certainly see the stresses my now DH experienced: he took many years to take the step of marriage and I think it some of the stresses you've mentioned played there part in that (apart from the immigration line, lol). Of course once he finally went for it, he feels marrying me is the best thing ever .I suspect if he could have face the his anxieties earlier, I think he would have been just as happy once he had married. I think the stress of prolonged time over taking really big decisions is worse at times that actually taking a decision and acting on it.

FBaby

they just did it and got married. (Genuine question)

yes, and many of them would say they later paid the price when having to deal with divorce.

I have heard so many stories of people working hard and then left in financial mess following divorce, it certainly makes you think twice doing it again, or telling your children about being extra sure before you take the step.

It's not just the financial side of it, emotionally, just on this forum,we can read weekly about posters being cheated on, deceived in one way or the other through marriage.

Things were much straight forward before when so divorce wasn't such the norm. It might not have been right as leading to abuse, but it certainly made it easier to take the step towards marriage because it was a lot more predictable.

I know that I will tell my kids over and over that they don't need to rush into marriage, and reminding them of the potential consequences when it goes wrong.

As I've wrote previously, being together 1 month, 12 months, 3 years, 6 or 20 means nothing in itself at all. Marriage comes at a time when both feel that the rewards and happiness that come with marriage outweight the risk of what there is to lose if all went wrong.

Brighton_belle

Always happy to hear your views P1 .I think you are spot on re the necessity to be seen to be grown up and be able to have sex etc. I do wonder though if we have lost some of the benefits of the old rules around the expectations of marriage...but I would be hypocritical if I didn't also add that I preferred the choice of a sexual relationship pre marriage with my DH as part of our developing relationship.
I think it can be hard to explain the need seated belief in marriage (for oneself, not others) as an ultimate goal of a successful relationship to anyone who doesn't have that feeling. It does sound potentially irrational but you can't just wish it away. And that is where past rules made that easier - you knew that walking out together, once part a certain point definitely meant marriage. Whereas now, you can discover a bit too late that it doesn't necessarily.

Brighton_belle

FBaby wrote: »

yes, and many of them would say they later paid the price when having to deal with divorce.

But not so much my parents generation (80's)