Akward Situation...

wannabe_credit_free

Marry in haste, repent at leisure, so my old mum was fond of saying...:eek:

BunnieJ

Bunny you sound very much like a couple of female friends I have who are afraid of being single and would rather be with somebody for the wrong reasons than be single for the right reasons.

Also I feel sorry for TW here as people do seem to be unjustifiably rude to him.

I don't have an issue with being single. I've been single for a couple of years in the past without being desparate to find a boyfriend.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure, so my old mum was fond of saying...:eek:

After 6 years of being in a relationship, I wouldn't describe us getting married as being in haste, but I get your point. On the other hand, my dad often says he regrets not marrying my mum sooner (they were together for about 7 years before they got engaged).

Yes, it appears they were. He expressed an opinion from a male point of view that was basically spot on so I can't see why people would have a problem with that? Unless it touched a nerve for some reason perhaps?

Telling us about all of the times he could have cheated on his OH but didn't was not helpful at all. It didn't express an opinion, he just made himself sound a bit of a twit. That's what people had a problem with. As I mentioned several times, the actual advice he gave from a male perspective (being put under pressure, waiting for the right time etc) was actually very insiteful.

There was no need at all to say that you and your future husband thought TW sounded a bit like a tool especially to add that you didn't mean to offend when it didn't get much more offending than that.

Ultimately your boyfriend told you exactly what TW said ie. needing to wait for the time to be right so maybe less of a tool than you think.

I do have to question why it's ok for people to have a go at my OH - telling me I should leave him as he clearly doesn't care about me, or that he must be an awful bf to have etc - yet they get offended when we express similar views of TW.

quidsy

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 11, he proposed after 9 months & we waited a while longer before trying the knot, but we knew we were going to get married we just wanted to iron out the edges. All this waiting for the right time twaddle is just an excuse imo, we had nothing when we met, neither of us yet it didn't matter.

Being married legally gives you some rights when it comes to caring for your partner during hospitalisation for example, you have a say in next of kin type situations that a "girlfriend" will never have. You either know you want to spend your life with someone or you are just coasting for an easy life.

Talk about cake & eating it.

BunnieJ

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 11, he proposed after 9 months & we waited a while longer before trying the knot, but we knew we were going to get married we just wanted to iron out the edges. All this waiting for the right time twaddle is just an excuse imo, we had nothing when we met, neither of us yet it didn't matter.

I did/still do feel a bit like this, but I'm trying to accept that he genuinely is waiting for the "right time" before we get engaged or married.

quidsy

I always knew I would never have kids unless I was married, I also knew i didn't want to live with someone unless they were going to be my husband. I value my independance too much & actually would consider it a slight to my self worth that he thought me good enough to live with & maybe have kids with but not to marry. Now I understand not everyone feels this way but I did & still do. I find some of what are laughingly passed off as relationships now to be a real step back for women.

So for me personally I was prepared to be alone & was actually "single" for 8 years until I met oh, I had casual dates, flings, affairs of passion but no serious bf. By the time he came along I had sowed my wild ones & so had he, I had travelled the world alone & knew myself immensly well & knew what I wanted & didn't want. He just so happened fit the package & was ont he same page in terms of life & the future, we still are but had be been flip flopping I probably would have dropped him off at the corner & moved on.

You are still young, you have time to wait but I suppose the question is, how long?

I did/still do feel a bit like this, but I'm trying to accept that he genuinely is waiting for the "right time" before we get engaged or married.

You r needs are just as valid as his, he shouldn't have to propose just because you want it but by the same tocken, you shouldn't be dangled along because he isn't sure.

Person_one

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I would take offence at that too. I can't see why people are having a go at you TW? All you have done is express (very well might I add) a mans POV on the subject, but I guess as it maybe wasn't what the OP wanted to hear, she's taken a strop on you....

Ever heard the expression 'mansplaining'?

Lovelyjoolz

Don't worry OP - people mostly stop asking the "when you going to make her an honest woman" question soon after year 8 or so :rotfl:

My and OH have been together 11 years this year. Living together for 9. No plans to marry. There's not a lot of point to it nowadays is there? No real incentive. We bought our house together, we have joint investments for our future and we have wills that secure our future in the event of death. The only annoyance is the next-of-kin thing in case of medical decisions, but Power of Attorney sorts that out. I find weddings to be ridiculous and have no desire for a big frock and enormous party. Registry office and a slap up meal in our favourite restaurant would be the only sensible way to go IMO, but getting a will and POA drawn up turned out to be cheaper

There's a running joke between us now that crops up if we ever get the "why don't you get married" question. He say that he won't marry me because I won't take his name (I wouldn't. Ever!) and I say it's because I'm waiting for a better offer..

I have never wanted children, and I know you're undecided right now, but if you want your children to have the same name as you, why wouldn't you just give them your name?? I don't understand why any mum would give their child a different name to their own. Makes no sense to me whatsoever. Makes more sense to give them mum's name and change it if mum ever changes hers!

LDR's are very different to living together. You may have been together for 6 years in total, but I think the last 8 months are the really crucial ones. Perhaps the BF is waiting until you've lived together for a year or two?

If I were you, I would ignore the idiots who ask you about it (start responding with "oh no! I'm only using him for sex" - they will soon stop asking!) and concentrate on making your relationship the best it can be. It's foolish to compare your relationship with anyone elses (no one knows what happens behind closed doors) and it's more foolish to allow anyone to devalue your relationship. Stop allowing them to do so and focus on upping the romance levels between you and BF. Be as happy as you possibly can be. You're together aren't you? At the moment, that should be all that matters.

Be happy OP
x

Person_one

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

There's not a lot of point to it nowadays is there? No real incentive. We bought our house together, we have joint investments for our future and we have wills that secure our future in the event of death. The only annoyance is the next-of-kin thing in case of medical decisions, but Power of Attorney sorts that out.

Might be worth having a look at this if you haven't already: http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/relationships_w/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm

Deciding not to marry is a perfectly valid decision if its right for you, but please don't decide it in the belief that you can get all the rights that come with marriage in other ways, you can't. There are still some benefits that only come with signing that contract.

fufu_banterwaite

quidsy wrote: »

By the time he came along I had sowed my wild ones & so had he, I had travelled the world alone & knew myself immensly well & knew what I wanted & didn't want.

Travelling is a fantastic way to learn about yourself and what you want. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Also what actually is an 'Akward Situation'?

FBaby

I do have to question why it's ok for people to have a go at my OH - telling me I should leave him as he clearly doesn't care about me, or that he must be an awful bf to have etc - yet they get offended when we express similar views of TW.

But that's the point, TW didn't say that to you on the opposite, so why be offensive to him? I didn't tell you that either.

Talk about cake & eating it.

I don't understand this. You've lived with your girlfriend for only 9 months, but because you think you might need a bit more time to be sure that they are the person you want to spend your life with, you are having your cake and eating it? At which stage is it acceptable then? Before moving in together? After a few weeks? Some people prefer to be totally happy living with someone before they take the step and maybe for OP's boyfriend, their recent disagreement over money makes him still cautious.

You r needs are just as valid as his, he shouldn't have to propose just because you want it but by the same tocken, you shouldn't be dangled along because he isn't sure.

OP has the choice to end the relationship at any time and find someone who is prepared to ask her to marry her after a much shorter period. In the end, you can't make yourself sure about something when you're just not.