Akward Situation...

BunnieJ

A friend of my OH and I have become good friends and he asked me to help him go shopping for his GF's engagment ring. I said of course I would and said I was really excited that he was going to propose to her (I am genuinely pleased for them, they make an adorable couple).

The akwardness is that they have been dating about a year, whereas my OH and I have been dating for 6 years and he has shown no interest in getting engaged/married whatsoever. I've confronted him about it before and said I would like to eventually get married - not for the big day etc - but because I want to be married to him, but he still seems to not be bothered.

Often when I see friends reaching big relationship milestones (getting engaged/married/babies) it makes me feel like !!!! because most of them have been in their relationships a fraction of the time that we have! I feel like such a horrible person for having these feelings, but I can't stop them

However to make things even more akward, this time I didn't have those feelings. I don't know if this is a good thing? Yes, it's good for me being able to enjoy my friends happiness, but it makes me feel crap about my own relationship. It feels like it's got to the stage where my OH has made me not give a toss about our relationship and not be bothered anymore?

I have no idea if that makes any sense...I'm just ranting a bit without any really question

susieq87

do you know if your OH ever wants to get married? not necessarily to you but in general. there are some people out there who just dont want marriage and will happily be in a long term relationship

PenguinJim

1. Do you love him?

2. More than that, is he the one?

3. Is there a good practical reason to get married?

If 1 & 2 are 'yes' but 3 is 'no', you've already done what many never accomplish and found your one true love! Perhaps he'd prefer to put wedding-monies towards your future (together!).

If all 3 are 'yes', tell him why you should be married. Then book the registration and get the paperwork sorted. (You can always sort out the wedding afterwards, remember! You don't have to be traditional/ridiculously-stressed and get them both done on the same day! )

If 1 or 2 are 'no', stop wasting your time and his. Leave him.

You've said that you just want to be married to him. You could try pointing out that if he's hit by a bus tomorrow, you'll be entitled to nothing of his. (Hopefully he won't figure out that a will would also do the trick in that circumstance!)

To be brutally honest, maybe he's not proposing because he hasn't said 'yes' to 1 and 2.

fufu_banterwaite

Three questions:

1) Do you think your boyfriend still loves you?
2) Do you still love your boyfriend?
3) Do you have a crush on this friend of your OH?

I've just seen PenguinJim has posted something along the lines of what I was thinking!

BunnieJ

do you know if your OH ever wants to get married? not necessarily to you but in general. there are some people out there who just dont want marriage and will happily be in a long term relationship

He has said in the past that he would probably get married.

To be brutally honest, maybe he's not proposing because he hasn't said 'yes' to 1 and 2.

That's what I'm scared to find out

1) Do you think your boyfriend still loves you?
2) Do you still love your boyfriend?
3) Do you have a crush on this friend of your OH?

Ha! That's definately not the case! I didn't mean it sound like we were "close friends" in that sense! Lol.

FBaby

I understand you've realised that you've reach the stage of acceptance and resilience when you don't expect your partner to want to be married any longer and this makes you consider that your commitment towards your relationship is not as strong as a result.

My view is that considering the fact that deep inside it means a lot to you he should be able to give you a better reason for not going ahead with it than just ' I can't be bothered' as surely if he isn't bothered he might as well do it and make you happy.

marisco_2

BunnieJ wrote: »

However to make things even more akward, this time I didn't have those feelings. I don't know if this is a good thing? Yes, it's good for me being able to enjoy my friends happiness, but it makes me feel crap about my own relationship. It feels like it's got to the stage where my OH has made me not give a toss about our relationship and not be bothered anymore?

I have no idea if that makes any sense...I'm just ranting a bit without any really question

Your dilemma does make a lot of sense. It appears to me that you are gradually disconnecting from your partner. The realisation that you have different approaches to your relationship, and are left feeling unheard when you raise important issues with him, is driving a wedge between you isn't it.

Though to be fair confronting someone about getting married is not the way to go about it. Something as important as deciding to make a lifetime commitment to one another, should be raised and discussed in a calm and loving way.

Good communication is key to a happy and healthy partnership. Without it you risk unhappiness and resentment building and the connection between you both dissipates till there is little left holding you together. Talk things through with him and let him know how you are feeling. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking though so you can understand where he is coming from too. Then you can make an informed decision as to whether you two are truly compatible and have any kind of future together.

[Deleted User]

There are some people who remain together quite happily unmarried. But there are also people for whom one person wants to and the other doesn't as you have felt. Its only a problem if there is a reason the other person doesn't want marriage.., does it mean he's a commitment phobe, taking the other person for granted? Or are you two just not quite right for each other.

I went out with someone for two years. We did love each other, but it wasn't quite right because he refused to geet married, have children etc which I very much wanted to. He took his time lol.., but he is now married and very happy. He just needed the right person. I wasn't it and he wasn't for me. It killed me to break up with him, I still loved him for years afterwards (not in a sad way, I knew I loved him but also that it would never work), but it was ok, my life went on and so did his.

Its funny how its worked out lol, due to a couple of bad relationships I have never married and now know I never will.., but that's ok too.

skea56

Im in exactly the same boat - although he seems to have warmed to the idea slightly lately.

I can't get excited about engagements, weddings babies etc and dread the text message/phonecall about X and Y's latest news!!
Don't get me wrong, when our latest friends announced a new arrival, I was genuinely happy as they had had 2 losses (that I know about) in the last year, but when I was on my own later on, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous - shes younger than me, theyve been going out about 18month less than we were, he was a real ladies man and no-one thought he would ever settle down, yet they are now married with one son and another child on the way

I know no-one likes a complainer, just wanted to get it off my chest. I feel like I can't talk to anyone else - its silly but I dont want anyone to think less of OH, I mean anytime we're asked what the hold up is, I laugh it off or say I'm the one holding back. Nor do I want to put him under pressure to drop down on one knee - I want him to do because HE wants to, not just cause everyone says he should (even if he's taking a ruddy long time about it!!!!)

The funny thing is, at the start - I kept my distance, I'd been hurt too many times before and didn't think I'd be able to cope with another let down, so he was the one that did all the chasing. Seems to be as soon as I let my guard down and let him in, he has cooled off.

A few years ago, I dreamed of a fairytale proposal: half time at football final, (which my team of course would go on to win!!) it would come up on the scoreboard....now I'd bite his hand off just for him to mention the word "proposal"...how times have changed lol.

Rant over for me now...that has actually helped, getting it out in the open....

sk56

fufu_banterwaite

Bunnie – a couple of us have asked if you still love him and if he still loves you, and I notice you haven’t answered, which I think is quite telling.

CH27

Have you resolved your financial issues with your OH?