Akward Situation...

PenguinJim

BunnieJ wrote: »

:huh:

I kind of get the point you're trying to make. I agree you should have equal rights to your OH in any relationship, and I hope people aren't assuming I want more rights than him. As for "keeping him while it's convienient" our realtionship has been anything but! We've been in a LDR for a large part of it and still made it work. Then I moved across the country to be with him, meaning a new job, new friends, new everything practically, which I decided to do because I love him.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think you were being unreasonable! That CH27 character seemed to think that unless you were getting everything your way, then he was being disrespectful, and that you should keep discussing things ad infinitum until you've got everything you want regardless of how he feels! :rotfl:

Part of the problem is, we're just posters on a forum, and real life is extremely complex. The answer to your problem could be so fantastically left-field, like he's bought you an expensive ring but lost it in the house a year ago, and can't propose until he's found it.

Incidentally, this was mentioned before, but is there some practical reason for marriage in your circumstances? If so, that gives you a logical reason to do it. If not, you shouldn't worry so.

TrickyWicky

Person_one wrote: »

If you think you're doing your girlfriend some sort of favour by not cheating on her, then she can do better.

Doing her a favour? Get a grip. My point was that I'm happy in this relationship, I have no need to cheat yet she did not trust me.

I'm the bad guy for that? Would you rather I cheat? Would that make me your hero?

BunnieJ

The money he lent you? Please tell me you aren't paying him the full amount he initially wanted?

No, we agreed to not include the deposit money. I've paid him back for my V Festival ticket and started paying him back the rest of the money, but he hasn't mentioned it again.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think you were being unreasonable! That CH27 character seemed to think that unless you were getting everything your way, then he was being disrespectful, and that you should keep discussing things ad infinitum until you've got everything you want regardless of how he feels! :rotfl:

Part of the problem is, we're just posters on a forum, and real life is extremely complex. The answer to your problem could be so fantastically left-field, like he's bought you an expensive ring but lost it in the house a year ago, and can't propose until he's found it.

Incidentally, this was mentioned before, but is there some practical reason for marriage in your circumstances? If so, that gives you a logical reason to do it. If not, you shouldn't worry so.

That's ok. Sometimes how things sound in your head are completely different from how they read when you type them!

At the moment there aren't really any "reasons" that it would make sense to get married, other than the fact I want to be his wife lol.

Doing her a favour? Get a grip. My point was that I'm happy in this relationship, I have no need to cheat yet she did not trust me.

I'm the bad guy for that? Would you rather I cheat? Would that make me your hero?

The first part of your post was actually really helpful, thank you for giving a male perspective on the problem However, I am in agreement with Person_one; your post then went off into a long rant about being able to cheat on your GF, but you're such a good guy you didn't do it. I showed this thread to my OH and we both agreed it kinda made you sound a bit of a tool (no offense intended, sorry!). As I said above, it probably sounded much different in your head and was misinterpreted.

TrickyWicky

BunnieJ wrote: »

However, I am in agreement with Person_one; your post then went off into a long rant about being able to cheat on your GF, but you're such a good guy you didn't do it. I showed this thread to my OH and we both agreed it kinda made you sound a bit of a tool (no offense intended, sorry!).

Offence taken!

Out of seven paragraphs, one of them mentioned that I've had chances to run off elsewhere. Because I am not an a**eh*le, I've rejected every single one of those women and stayed loyal to mine. Somehow this was (as you put it): a long rant. Of course I am offended! That one paragraph consisted of four sentences out of thirty which equates to 13.3% of my post. Do you honestly call that a long rant?

There is me trying to help you feel a bit more secure and reassure you that a man stalling marriage does not mean he's on the prowl for another woman, having an affair and may have issues etc and you claim I went off into a long rant? Seriously? No wonder he hasn't married you! Worse you now admit to showing him my reply to your topic - all about him not wanting to marry you. I did try to make it clear that pressure wasn't a good thing.. you just added even more on to your man! :T

Oh.. and yes I may be a 'tool' as you put it but I'm the one who is engaged to be married! Good luck getting there yourself

I gave you a mans perspective. I never said you would like it.

Turtle

Just wanted to put in my thoughts if you don't mind OP. I was with my OH 7 years before he proposed, I had been through agonies over this and we had loads of arguments. I really wanted to get married, he didn't. I constantly thought it was because I wasn't good enough, he wasn't that into me (even though apart from this one thing we had a very good relationship) or that I would do until someone 'better' came along. Anyway, one day we had a huge row over it, he told me never to mention it again and I never did, I couldn't bear the upset and I knew I wanted to be with him and not married than married to someone else.

Anyway, out of the blue after 7 years he asked me. We picked a ring together and that was that. We didn't get engaged to then not get married but that was how it was for a long time. Every now and then the subject of a wedding came up but we always felt there was something better to spend the money on (holidays ).

After about 9 further years we talked more about it, he was quite happy by this point to just bob in the registry office (he'd told me by now he was terrified of the getting married bit but not about being married) but I wanted a bit more than that. So we still didn't do anything.

Very shortly after a very close friend of mine was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That focussed both our minds that life was short, and if it was either of us in that position we'd have no say in what happened to the other medically, even though we'd been together 17 years. So, we decided to finally do it. We only told a handful of people beforehand but we went to Vegas with our parents and got married. It was the best day ever :T and I wouldn't change anything about it. We both love being married and our relationship has been even more brilliant since. I'd be very surprised if most of our friends didn't think we were some of the happiest people they know. Very little has changed, I have a different name but that's about it. We've just celebrated our first anniversary .

Sorry for the big ramble but I think I'm trying to make 2 points. 1) Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't. Everyone is different and just because someone gets married after a year or so doesn't mean it's right for everyone (though I still remember how rubbish it felt when everyone else was doing it. I'm glad I 'persevered' (for want of a better word) and 2) Don't end a good relationship because of this unless marriage is absolutely non negotiable for you or you don't really think he's the one.

TrickyWicky

Turtle wrote: »

I constantly thought it was because I wasn't good enough, he wasn't that into me (even though apart from this one thing we had a very good relationship) or that I would do until someone 'better' came along.

This was my missus until I proposed. I wasn't into anyone else, she was more than good enough for me and i wasn't waiting for something better. My missus though couldn't understand this despite my troubles. She did eventually give up hoping (and even admitted it) and once that pressure was gone it was actually much easier for me to pop the question.

Still.. what do I know? I'm just a man who had to ask a woman the very question that this entire topic is about! So far I've been slated to kingdom come for it

Can't say I'm surprised so many men stall to be honest lol.

FBaby

Bunny, you say you've showed TW post to your OH, I am assuming you showed the whole thread, and the other? What was his reaction? Did he say 'I'm sorry darling, I do want to marry you and was going to propose next week', or did it lead to another argument?

Personally, reading both threads, I feel that you are being unreasonable on the basis that you seem to think you are entitled to be married now because you've been with him for 6 years. He seems to be the sensible one to consider that you have only been living together for months and during this time, you've had a least one serious disagreement on a fondamental issue. Doesn't sound like the right time yet to marry to me.

POPPYOSCAR

FBaby wrote: »

Bunny, you say you've showed TW post to your OH, I am assuming you showed the whole thread, and the other? What was his reaction? Did he say 'I'm sorry darling, I do want to marry you and was going to propose next week', or did it lead to another argument?

Personally, reading both threads, I feel that you are being unreasonable on the basis that you seem to think you are entitled to be married now because you've been with him for 6 years. He seems to be the sensible one to consider that you have only been living together for months and during this time, you've had a least one serious disagreement on a fondamental issue. Doesn't sound like the right time yet to marry to me.

Yes what did he say?

Brighton_belle

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Can't say I'm surprised so many men stall to be honest lol.

But what has changed TW - a generation ago, when it wasn't very acceptable to live with each other before marriage, men seemed to have far less trouble coping with societal pressure to propose: they just did it and got married. (Genuine question)

POPPYOSCAR

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But what has changed TW - a generation ago, when it wasn't very acceptable to live with each other before marriage, men seemed to have far less trouble coping with societal pressure to propose: they just did it and got married. (Genuine question)

But then that was the way of things,it was expected. Women did not have careers etc. the same as they have now.

The roles have changed to a large degree.

I do not think you can compare.