Akward Situation...

Lovelyjoolz

Person_one wrote: »

My parents are in their fifties, my mum always worked, but she still does basically all the laundry and ironing and the vast majority of the domestic chores. My dad will do them but needs prompting and describes it as 'helping'. They both drive but if they're going somewhere together he always drives, and the loft and the garage are his 'domain'.

They aren't particularly old fashioned, they have generally progressive ideas about gender politics and they raised me to be a pretty vocal (ok, gobby) feminist, but they still find themselves falling into the gender roles that they saw their own parents assuming. I see siblings and friends around my own age doing the same thing too, especially if they've never lived alone.

I could have written that myself, word for word, except my parents are in their 60's/70's. However, my homelife is almost the entire opposite!

I work full time and my boyfriend is a House-'husband'. He does ALL the housework and all the gardening all the laundry all the decorating (except for glossing!) and 90% of the cooking. The dinner is almost ready and there's a cup of tea waiting for me when I get home. In the winter he also warms my slippers in front of the fire for me too. And all I have to do is bring home the fat paycheck

We do the main weekly shop together at the weekends but that's only because he doesn't drive. The top-up shops during the week he does at the local shops in the village. We're now going to buy him a bike so he can travel a little further afield to a butcher we prefer a couple of miles away.

I do almost no housework at all. Once or twice a year we do a major spring clean and then I'm classed as "helping", but apart from that, I do very little.

Some people say I'm lucky, which is ridiculous. Was my Dad classed as "lucky" just because my Mum did all these things for him? No, everyone considered it normal. I consider myself lucky to have him because he is a wonderful human being, but not because he cleans. This is just a sensible division of duties. I earn enough so that he doesn't have to go out to work, therefore he stays home and does the housekeeping so that we have the evenings and weekends to enjoy each other's company.

jaylee3 wrote: »

:rotfl:LOL as if!

This is not the norm in ANY couple/family I know....

Methinks you are telling tall stories.

Not at all. And you're welcome to come around and see for yourself if you don't believe me. And while you're here, I'll introduce you to all the friends I have who have exactly the same set up. It's not as unusual as you seem to think!

Seriously, if a man doesn't pull his weight and do his fair share of housekeeping, you cannot blame genetics - it's purely because he is allowed to get away with it!

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

So do you challenge him when he says that?

I find that there can be a tendency in doing stuff, to announce when its done. Not the 'for you' bit. I mentally think of it as the 'give the boy a biscuit ' trick, which is fairly mean of me but keeps me sane. That said, I also accept what it means is the stuff I do will go unnoticed and 'just happens' or 'never seems to need doing'. Its not just about being over mothered either. Its a straight I have also noticed in BIL whose mother died when he was in young adult hood, and who had spent teen years away from home. When I met him he had a cleaner and was annoyed she couldn't clean the whole flat in two hours a week because it only took him half an hour ( to his expectations and standards round his stuff)

Not my husband I hasten to add, he never gives me the list but we do compare notes about what needs doing.

marisco_2

jaylee3 wrote: »

In ANY generation. Women do virtually everything in families where the women are stay at home mums/housewives, and most of everything in the families where the woman works as well.

That is a very sweeping statement.

I cant speak for everyone but that certainly wasn't the case through generations of my family. My parents and grandparents saw each other as equals, and took on equal responsibility for the running of their lives and home.

To me it all comes down to effective communication, and agreeing on how you will each contribute your time and energy, to really making your relationship work. If a man or woman is partnered up to someone who treats them more like a parent figure, who is happy to sit on their butt and take total advantage then more fool them.

POPPYOSCAR

FBaby wrote: »

out of curiosity poppyoscar and tea lover, if you don't mind me asking, were either of you, or your OH ever married before?

I have never been married.

OH is divorced.

It would make no difference to me if he had not been married before, I would still not want to get married.

I think it is an age thing with me as I did think I would get married when I was very young because that was 'what you did' but I am happy as I am.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Billie-S wrote: »

I am with you on this. I also don't understand why some women says I would rather stay with a certain man that they love and not be married, than be without him. Or they would rather be with a certain man that they love, who does not want a baby than be without him ... Why is it that his wishes over-ride hers?

Don't think I could stay with a man that refused to marry me. Especially if we had kids. Basically, what he is saying to his kids is that their mother is not worthy of marrying. IMO.

The bolded bit doesn't make sense to me ... if one partner doesn't want a baby then of course their wishes take precedence! It's up to the other partner whether they wish to stay in that relationship.

Getting married is nothing really compared to having a baby. That's a massive thing, and certainly shouldn't happen if one partner doesn't want it to.

Carmina-Piranha_2

jaylee3 wrote: »

:rotfl:LOL as if!

This is not the norm in ANY couple/family I know.

In ANY generation. Women do virtually everything in families where the women are stay at home mums/housewives, and most of everything in the families where the woman works as well.

I have never ever known a family or couple where the man does as much as - or more - than the women, unless she works more hours, which frankly is very rare.

And I am only my 30s! Not someone born back in the day in the first half of the last century!

Methinks you are telling tall stories.

I find that odd - I really struggle to believe that the majority of under 50's behave in this way.

If the man works more hours then it makes sense that the one at home does the majority of housework and childcare. If both work equal hours then why would a woman put up with being expected to do more than their fair share? Unless they WANT to of course ... some people enjoy housework, or insist on higher standards than their partner thinks are acceptable.

If that's their choice then fair enough. It wouldn't be my choice though. I wouldn't play mummy for a partner who expected me to do more than my fair share, or needed to be told that the washing up needed doing.

Men have brains in their heads, and are adults too. They are perfectly capable of keeping house. I know a couple of men who can play xbox games but seem unable to work a washing machine, but they have wives who over-mother them and pander to their helplessness. It wouldn't be my cup of tea, but fair enough if it makes them happy. Don't assume we're all happy to do that though just because we are female :rotfl:

mountainofdebt

jaylee3 wrote: »

:rotfl:LOL as if!

This is not the norm in ANY couple/family I know.

In ANY generation. Women do virtually everything in families where the women are stay at home mums/housewives, and most of everything in the families where the woman works as well.

I have never ever known a family or couple where the man does as much as - or more - than the women, unless she works more hours, which frankly is very rare.

And I am only my 30s! Not someone born back in the day in the first half of the last century!

Methinks you are telling tall stories.

Well I can assure you my husband is the clean freak out of the two of us ......I've often joked we're like the Odd Couple (as in the 1960 film) with me as the messy one!

Every day I thank God for my MIL!

DevilsAdvocate1

jaylee3 wrote: »

:rotfl:LOL as if!

This is not the norm in ANY couple/family I know.

In ANY generation. Women do virtually everything in families where the women are stay at home mums/housewives, and most of everything in the families where the woman works as well.

I have never ever known a family or couple where the man does as much as - or more - than the women, unless she works more hours, which frankly is very rare.

And I am only my 30s! Not someone born back in the day in the first half of the last century!

Methinks you are telling tall stories.

My husband does most of the housework and at least half of the cooking, though I do most of the food shopping. We often joke that he is really the woman and I'm the man!

PenguinJim

FBaby wrote: »

It does become sexist when both are working full-time (and assuming similar travel to work) and yet he doesn't do much/anything around the house/with the children.

Or 'she', surely? :A

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

I know a couple of men who can play xbox games but seem unable to work a washing machine, but they have wives who over-mother them and pander to their helplessness.

Don't get me started on washing! I've tried to explain our washing machine to my OH, but something about doing towels and bedsheets on a hot cycle just goes over her head!

jaylee3 wrote: »

:rotfl:LOL as if!

This is not the norm in ANY couple/family I know.

In ANY generation. Women do virtually everything in families where the women are stay at home mums/housewives, and most of everything in the families where the woman works as well.

I have never ever known a family or couple where the man does as much as - or more - than the women, unless she works more hours, which frankly is very rare.

And I am only my 30s! Not someone born back in the day in the first half of the last century!

Methinks you are telling tall stories.

I am surprised you have internet access in the old-fashioned backwater you have just described. :eek: Your RL name isn't Wilma by any chance?

I feel that people like you purporting stereotypes really do contribute to the problem of gender imbalance in housework. Don't you see a problem?

FBaby

I think it is an age thing with me as I did think I would get married when I was very young because that was 'what you did' but I am happy as I am.

I agree, I think it is an age thing, along with having done before and getting out of it with losses. I think it is easy not to be aware of how painful divorces can be when you haven't been through it or don't know anyone who has.

I think OP said that her partner's parents have gone through a divorce. He might very well have experienced the anguish and that would make him more careful. I'm still bemused that anyone would judge him for not being prepared to ask OP to marry him when only a few months ago, she was posting here about how she wasn't paying him back money they've agreed she owed and that she had experienced issues with budget management at some point.

Ironically, if he married her, then discovered that she did have a bad spending habit and got them in bad debts, how many posters would then say 'well you knew this before, so why did you marry her?'

Or 'she', surely?

That's my point! I was debating against those who claimed that men still expected women to do all the housework even when both working.

I think many women like to do everything just so that they can then play martyr It's a bit the same with children, when they clear up their kids' bedroom and then moan that their kids never do it so they have to do it...