Akward Situation...

BunnieJ

I think OP said that her partner's parents have gone through a divorce. He might very well have experienced the anguish and that would make him more careful. I'm still bemused that anyone would judge him for not being prepared to ask OP to marry him when only a few months ago, she was posting here about how she wasn't paying him back money they've agreed she owed and that she had experienced issues with budget management at some point.

Ironically, if he married her, then discovered that she did have a bad spending habit and got them in bad debts, how many posters would then say 'well you knew this before, so why did you marry her?'

My OH knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me. I'm quite sure he would have run a mile by now if he was bothered by the way I run my personal finances! :rotfl:

As I mentioned (countless times, I might add!) in my previous thread, I was upset and angry and needed to let off some steam. The issue over my pay being incorrect for several months was resolved and we set up a joint account for our bills. I've never been in "debt" and don't intend to be! I've paid my OH back for the festival ticket he bought me and I'm paying him back my half of the moving costs each month.

If we got married and for some reason I decided to become a crazed spendaholic and run up huge debts, how would he have known I'd do that?

In regard to his parents getting divorced - seeing that the topic has moved onto housework - his mum moved out of their family home and he lived with his dad from around 14/15 years old. I stayed at his house regularly and it was never untidy or unclean. Ok, it may not have been up to the cleanliness standards of my parents (mum's a clean freak!) but it was in a perfectly normal state of living.

What I don't really understand is my OH pretty much did his own cooking/washing/cleaning/buying toiletries etc from his teens without any issue, but now he seems to have reverted to letting me do it all! :eek: His mother never did everything for him, so I don't see why he assumes I will...

We both work full-time and he always says he's willing to split the chores 50/50, but usually it ends up with me getting fed up and doing them or having to constantly nag him! I don't want to become the "nagging GF"

As much as times are changing (I'll wait for more stories of men doing the chores to disprove me) I think the majority of women are still expected to do most of the domestic tasks.

PenguinJim

Actually, we're more than halfway to having the situation completely resolved. One in four households have men doing half or more of the housework. If it was one in two, it would have gone too far and be unfair on the men!

And, of course, the total hours of housework done by women should be higher than the total hours of housework done by men, for the obvious reason. :P

So, no source for your reasearch?

quidsy

bunnie, sorry for being in part responsible for your thread going so far off topic.

Has there been any further discussion about the subject or are you just pondering your options?

quidsy

So, no source for your reasearch?

I provided one of them for info purposes, others are uni access only gender study reports that cannot be linked for copyright reasons, wiki (i know!) and other news sources, I don't read one & take it as gospel, all research is skewed in one way or another but to be a total denier of the issue is just not an option if you want to be taken seriously.

PenguinJim

quidsy wrote: »

...to be a total denier of the issue is just not an option if you want to be taken seriously.

I quite agree.

Who's doing that, then?

quidsy

What I don't really understand is my OH pretty much did his own cooking/washing/cleaning/buying toiletries etc from his teens without any issue, but now he seems to have reverted to letting me do it all! :eek: His mother never did everything for him, so I don't see why he assumes I will...

We both work full-time and he always says he's willing to split the chores 50/50, but usually it ends up with me getting fed up and doing them or having to constantly nag him! I don't want to become the "nagging GF"

And this is my point in a shell. My oh tried that when we met, ex military lived alone for 20 years yet as soon as we moved in he stopped being able to fend for himself on certain things.

He didn't even know it till I pointed it out & told him it wasn't an option. Over the years our balance shifts either way for whatever reason but we are generally well balanced with a slight shift in my direction relating to the kid. I usually buy the presents for his mates, take him to the parties, oh would but he "expects" me to do it. I actually dont care as I enjoy seeing the other parents & the buying process with my son but it is interesting to try to understand why he thinks this is my "job".

So going back to the topic, I personally wasn't prepared to wash the dirty undercrackers of anyone other than a husband or a son & personally consider co-habitation the firstv step to marraige & it was under these expectations thatwe did move in as an engaged couple. Sure we might have broken up but we werent just in limbo.

If you don't have that view, thats your shout but if one of you does & the other not, then there you have a problem.

BunnieJ

The problem is that it starts so earlier on through choice. DD had just chosen her gcse. She picked computer science add one option that is learning programming etc clearly a progressing field where there is money to me made. Out of over 200 pupils... Only two girls picked that option my DD and another. You can't pick soft subjects to study and then complain that you don't earn the same. The choice is there from the start.

What do you think are "soft subjects"? You chose a subject because you enjoy it and you think you're good at it (which I'm sure your DD has done). You don't pick a subject on the basis that when you're middle-aged you'll be earning a big bucks!

wow, you are joking right? There are more that just IT jobs, paying well in the world. Lets hope your DD isn't complaining to you in 10 years that she is doing the exact same job as the bloke next to her but found out he is on a higher salary/bonus scheme or has been promoted over her even though she has the better record.

^This. It's sad, but most probably going to happen to any girl/woman whatever profession they go into - even the "soft subjects".

For example, how many girls do you know that take home economics/food technology (imo soft subjects) compared to boys? Yet, how many "celebrity" chefs do we see that are women?

Mary Berry, Deliah and Nigella are all marketed as homely housewife types who enjoy making food for dinner parties. Often their TV shows depict them in their home kitchens making lunch/dinner for the kids/family. Compare them to the Heston Blumenthals/Gordon Ramseys who run award winning restaurants for the rich and famous.

bunnie, sorry for being in part responsible for your thread going so far off topic.

Has there been any further discussion about the subject or are you just pondering your options?

It's ok, I'm acutally quite enjoying reading the debates on here my OH said he wants to get married, but the time is just not right for him. We're looking to save to buy a house etc so I think he doesn't want to jump into something because everyone else is telling him to...which I can kind of see the point. I think I just needed that confirmation he wasn't coasting along and actually wants to think about our future together.

Georgiegirl256

Person_one wrote: »

Gosh how rude.
.)

But very true though.

tea_lover

PenguinJim wrote: »

And, of course, the total hours of housework done by women should be higher than the total hours of housework done by men, for the obvious reason. :P

Genuine question.... what obvious reason? Sorry if I'm being dense!

quidsy

my OH said he wants to get married, but the time is just not right for him. We're looking to save to buy a house etc so I think he doesn't want to jump into something because everyone else is telling him to.

Well thats progress isn't it & it something to work towards. I hope it works out for both of you.