Akward Situation...

heartbreak_star

quidsy wrote: »

It is possible, if a women feels that much pressure over it then she prolly has much larger problems in her life.

But are you saying that you think it is better to have no choice at all?

Choice is a good thing...but I know several women who seemed surprised that you don't have to change name when you marry so I don't think it's as widely known as you'd think.

HBS x

FBaby

I've never said that. I said that after multiple years you either know they are the person for you or you are wasting their time, coasting till something or someone better comes along.

That makes no sense to me. How can you decide when it is right that someone can be certain about something? Some people 'know' right away (and then discover they were wrong from the start), others take longer, that's just the way it is. What if you've been together for 5 years but not lived together, your boyfriend moves in with you, and then after 12 months, you discovered they have serious debts they have lied to you about. You still love him, and still hope you can have a future together, but clearly, some doubts have crept in. You should marry him regardless because after 6 years, you should know how you feel, or should you just dump him because despite everything being perfect, he has lied and it should be over...or of course, you can decide to see how things go and whether he sticks to the budget and debt repayments that he has signed up for.

No one can force another to do anything but the op & women like her need to know the flip side, pushing 40, no kids (if they never had them), single & pretty much in this society ,entering a very lmited dating pool, they have to decide if they think spending their best years with someone not prepared or sure whether they want to commit to them, is worth it.

The OP is not pushing 40, far from it. If my husband had said to me that after what he went through with his first married, he didn't want to marry, I would still have stayed with him because he would still be the same person he is now. I am delighted he has agreed to marry me, but I certainly wouldn't have been if he had done so just because I had given him an ultimatum that I would pack my bags if he didn't.

You seem to be clear about you being able to express your views, but less so with other people doing the same.

Georgiegirl256

Soleil_lune wrote: »

And I don't 'get' why some women will get married but insist on keeping their surname. If you don't want to take your husband's name then don't marry him. And why would you want to have his children?! Funnily enough, these woman who refuse to take their husband's name or who refuse to get married (but still have children,) STILL give their kids the father's name. :huh:

And yes, *SHOCKER* some women actually do WANT to take their husband's name. Doesn't make them less worthy or mean that they are less of a person or they have lost their identity. What a silly view that is! IMO, it makes you and your husband more of a couple. Like I said, why bother marrying a man, if you can't be arsed to take his surname?

Are we living in the dark ages or what?! No, it's ok, it's 2014....just had to check, for a second I thought we'd jumped back a few decades....

By all means, have an opinion, after all, we're all entitled to one, but to have an opinion and not respect the opinion of others is quite frankly disgusting....to call someone silly for wanting to keep their own name is judgemental to the extreme.

It isn't a matter of not being 'arsed' to take someone's surname, it's an individual choice, and YOU should respect that.

PlymouthMaid

What an intolerant post by Soleil Lune. I have never married and never will as it means absolutely nothing to me as an atheist, a feminist and, I suppose, a non-conformist. It was important to my children's father that they had his name although I would happily have given them mine. I didn't care much either way so they had his name. If I ever had married (was never on my agenda) I would have kept my name as suddenly becoming somebody else would have seemed so strange and unnecessary. I honestly do not know why people have to have such strong, intransigent opinions when whatever way people live has no effect on them or their choices. You can marry and take whatever name you wish but there is no need to challenge those with a different view.

quidsy

The OP is not pushing 40, far from it. If my husband had said to me that after what he went through with his first married, he didn't want to marry, I would still have stayed with him because he would still be the same person he is now. I am delighted he has agreed to marry me, but I certainly wouldn't have been if he had done so just because I had given him an ultimatum that I would pack my bags if he didn't.!

Thats great for you. The op on the otherhand wants to get married. Her bf is pushing back. I have given her a likely scenario, one that many, many women find themselves in, I know several who severely regret putting in years in the hope the dream proposal/life would come and when it didn't found themselves back on the market, no wished for kids, not even a legitimation of a long relationship, a few ended up starting from scratch financially as house was in his name, didnt matter at the time cause they were going to be married eventually except it never happened, in most cases ex bf got a youngest model, married her and had the kids. True story.

You seem to be clear about you being able to express your views, but less so with other people doing the same

.

A Forum is a place for people to offer opinions. I haven't stopped anyones opinion but I am able to say I disagree. Do you know how the internet works?

FBaby

A Forum is a place for people to offer opinions. I haven't stopped anyones opinion but I am able to say I disagree. Do you know how the internet works?

Not sure the below was just you providing an opinion and disagreeing, but anyway, no need to debate on this.

tells me everything I need to know, good luck with your girlfriend, although she needs it more imo.

The op on the otherhand wants to get married

And he doesn't, so ultimately, both are left with one choice, to take a risk and go ahead with what the other wants, or take the risk to lose them if they don't.

OP can decide to stay and wait, and hope that he will ask her when he is ready or she can decide that she is not prepared to wait and go and find someone else who hopefully won't make her wait so long.

OP's boyfriend can decide to go ahead and marry her just to make her happy and take the risk that he made a mistake and pay the price of a divorce, or he can decide not to and risk her leavig him.

No one is right or wrong.

quidsy

No one is right or wrong.

Correct. But the op asked for opinions. I am giving her mine. I am also giving her scenarios of a possible future if he never decides he is "ready". They want different things right now. Maybe always.

Not sure the below was just you providing an opinion and disagreeing, but anyway, no need to debate on this.

Clearly they are my opinions, what else could they possibly be. I don't have magical powers to stop people doing what they will.

Person_one

gruffalosgirl wrote: »

I'm taking his surname because I've never particularly liked my surname so I'm ok with having a new one lol!

Yes, that's a really common reason people give. I do find it interesting though that so many women have surnames they don't like, and so few men seem to. Or that none of the women who hate their surnames ever seem to change them without/before getting married.

Person_one

Soleil_lune wrote: »

And I don't 'get' why some women will get married but insist on keeping their surname. If you don't want to take your husband's name then don't marry him.

There are loads of really good reasons to get married in a long term serious relationship. Financial, legal, societal and personal reasons. Why would the fact that the woman wants to carry on being called what she's always been called negate all that? After all, the man will carry on being called the name he's always had.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Yes, that's a really common reason people give. I do find it interesting though that so many women have surnames they don't like, and so few men seem to. Or that none of the women who hate their surnames ever seem to change them without/before getting married.

Could be that women feel the likely hood of having to change for a 'non vanity reason' is high so they can do it with society approval....