Akward Situation...

surveyqueenuk

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I have to admit, the first post on this page by TW (post no. 141.) needs THIS:

tl;dr
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/TL;DR#English

Sorry. I do have a lot to do today and don't have 5.5 hours to read that post!

Confused...are you saying TW should have marked his OWN post as "too long, did not read"?

TrickyWicky

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I have to admit, the first post on this page by TW (post no. 141.) needs THIS:

tl;dr
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/TL;DR#English

Sorry. I do have a lot to do today and don't have 5.5 hours to read that post!

Clearly yet another woman who thinks mens opinions do not matter!

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Confused...are you saying TW should have marked his OWN post as "too long, did not read"?

It seems she is. Clearly no surprise that half the women in this thread have been bashing me when they can't understand themselves (or what they've written) yet alone my views! :rotfl:

TrickyWicky

Person_one wrote: »

Its incredibly rare. I only know one man who changed his name on marriage

No doubt I'll also be flamed for this too, however it wouldn't bother me an inch if my girl asked me to change my name.

To me it's a name. All this rubbish about passing on the family name that has gone on over the generations is utter garbage. Why should a woman be expected to drop her name just to make a man happy?

quidsy

Why should a woman be expected to drop her name just to make a man happy?

Maybe because, you know, it's her choice & nothing to do with whether her man wants her to or not. There are actually loads of women who don't do things just to make men happy, they do it because it is their choice & changing a name at marriage is just one of them.

Soleil_lune

quidsy wrote: »

Really? I am married to a non UK national & everyone in his country change if legally married. 3 of my besties are from different non english speaking countries & they all do. What countries don't?

But anyway, culturally we (UK) have always done this, it is not required by law to do so but any women choose to do it, they do not see it as much of an issue as you do.

I personally dislike seeing kids with different names to their mothers or fathers, for right or wrong it makes me think "chav". I also immensly dislike the word "partner" urgh, no he is either your boyfriend or husband, no need to make up another word for it.

My mum was the same & even after divorce & to this day (30+) years later, kept my fathers name even though me & sister took married names, sister then changed hers back after divorce, not a major issue, quite straightforward & her daughter has taken our maiden name now she is old enough, again, simple form filled in & small fee, purely because her dads surname is ugly.

But it really is just a personal choice, a name is not a feminist issue

Yep, rightly or wrongly, I also hate multiple surnames within a family. A woman I know has 5 children, and including her and her recent 'boyfriend,' there are FIVE different surnames in the current family line-up. (She has a different one to her boyfriend, so that's two, and her 5 children have 3 different surnames between them: all different to hers!)

This is why I absolutely believe that people should be married when they have kids, and they should ALL have the same surname. This woman has 5 kids and has not been married to ANY of the fathers of the children. Even so, the 5 children (with 3 fathers; none of whom are her current boyfriend) all have their father's names! Even though she never married any of them. What is THAT about? ALWAYS giving the child the man's surname even when you're not married to the man? Maybe they are secretly hoping the man will marry them?

And I don't 'get' why some women will get married but insist on keeping their surname. If you don't want to take your husband's name then don't marry him. And why would you want to have his children?! Funnily enough, these woman who refuse to take their husband's name or who refuse to get married (but still have children,) STILL give their kids the father's name. :huh:

And yes Quidsy, I also know several women who kept their married names, even though they got divorced from the childrens father when the childrens were 5 or 6. They thought it tacky to have different names to their children. A couple of them changed back to their maiden name when the kids were over 21, but a couple kept it until they remarried when the kids were grown.

And yes, *SHOCKER* some women actually do WANT to take their husband's name. Doesn't make them less worthy or mean that they are less of a person or they have lost their identity. What a silly view that is! IMO, it makes you and your husband more of a couple. Like I said, why bother marrying a man, if you can't be arsed to take his surname?

lostinrates

TrickyWicky wrote: »

No doubt I'll also be flamed for this too, however it wouldn't bother me an inch if my girl asked me to change my name.

To me it's a name. All this rubbish about passing on the family name that has gone on over the generations is utter garbage. Why should a woman be expected to drop her name just to make a man happy?

Maybe you should suggest it to yours? I think p1's point is 'good people doing nothing' is as bad.

Its not my pov on this issue, but it is in my opinion a valid one. Tbh, had DH been called mr farter, or found in dubious places I might not have been so keen on taking his name. My family name held little personal affection for me and his isn't frightful, and we did want the same name. Tbh, the costs and hassle of changing paperwork for two of us rather than one are mildly off putting but not totally so. I just...wasn't that fussed.

DH was also in the process of applications, and it would have been slightly odd to apply for a job as mr rates and then go to an interview as mr exchange rates. . An unnecessary personally sideline to the interview really.


Edit: I just realised, I thought of another man who took his wifes name. A former boss of dh's. Interesting that one.

lostinrates

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Yep, rightly or wrongly, I also hate multiple surnames within a family. A woman I know has 5 children, and including her and her recent 'boyfriend,' there are FIVE different surnames in the current family line-up. (She has a different one to her boyfriend, so that's two, and her 5 children have 3 different surnames between them.)

This is why I absolutely believe that people should be married when they have kids, and they should ALL have the same surname. This woman has 5 kids and has not been married to ANY of the fathers of the children. Even so, the 5 children (with 3 fathers; none of whom are her current boyfriend) all have their father's names! Even though she never married any of them. What is THAT about? ALWAYS giving the child the man's surname even when you're not married to the man? Maybe they are secretly hoping the man will marry them?

And I don't 'get' why some women will get married but insist on keeping their surname. If you don't want to take your husband's name then don't marry him. And why would you want to have his children?! Funnily enough, these woman who refuse to take their husband's name or who refuse to get married (but still have children,) STILL give their kids the father's name. :huh:

And yes Quidsy, I also know several women who kept their married names, even though they got divorced from the childrens father when they were 5 or 6. They thought it tacky to have different names to their children. A couple of them changed back to their maiden name when the kids were over 21, but a couple kept it until they remarried when the kids were grown.

In some professions your surname is a key part of your 'cv' if you like. E.g. Barristers tend to keep surnames because their reputation is attached to them. As self employed people that's important. Many selfs,played people or those who are published choose to retain a professional name for similar reasons. Alternatively they may take a pseudonym for the same reasons, to attach a reputation to it separate from their own name. .

Names are both important and unimportant. They don't change want something is, but they can change perception of what something is.

As mrs rates I'm just mrs rates, and that's fine. And Miss exchange I am relatable to mrs rates but in an on paper sort of way. . If I use it its clear I am drawing a distinction that it is something I believe that I would expect DH to fall on his sword for, so he probably doesn't. Or just , something for me, not him. Shrug. I miss that!

TrickyWicky

quidsy wrote: »

You have said you have had a lot of illness in the past, don't you think that she might want to be your wife out of concern of being able to legitimise her position in your life in case you get ill again?

No as I have paperwork taking care of those kind of issues should anything happen to me. She just wanted to get hitched as fast as possible because it was what she wanted - didn't matter that I didn't feel ready for it, she was and to her, that was all that mattered.

quidsy wrote: »

You may "love her to bits" but clearly not enough to do something in your words, just a bit of paper, to put a ring on it, knowing it will make her very happy.

The bit of paper comment wasn't actually my real personal view (I just thought the op would appreciate another controversial view on it seeing as she's not the slightest bit shallow).

You say I don't love her 'enough' to do something about it. What planet are you on? You do not know me or her to be able to make that claim.

quidsy wrote: »

I just asked my husband why he wanted to get married so soon, his answer: why wait, I loved you & knew you were worth it & didn't see the point in waiting around for the right time. So there you go, another mans opinion, just not one that agrees with yours.

I never said I spoke for all men - I believe I made that clear previously. Likewise I did also acknowledge that some people do decide to get married quickly and that for some of them it does work.

The point here is that most of you women in this thread do not seem to care if your man is ready or not. If he doesn't want to get married when you want him to you think he's being selfish. It doesn't matter that the selfish one is the one trying to force him into something he isn't ready for does it!

quidsy wrote: »

fyi, your girlfriend has had a lot on her plate too, dealing with your illnesses, sticking around when others might not have, she clearly thinks you are worth it but you don't hold the same view of her. I feel sorry for her tbh, she will likely wake up one day & wonder why she bothered.

She means the world to me and this has never been a secret to anyone that knows us. You are not qualified to make that statement / insult. Just because I was not ready to get married or be pressured into it does not mean that I don't love her. You are very wrong with your views about me.

You are also very wrong about assuming it's right to try and force someone into marriage before they are ready.

TrickyWicky

quidsy wrote: »

Maybe because, you know, it's her choice & nothing to do with whether her man wants her to or not. There are actually loads of women who don't do things just to make men happy, they do it because it is their choice & changing a name at marriage is just one of them.

Thats fair enough but there are still some blokes who expect a woman to change her name for him and this i what I was referring to.

Women who decide by themselves to take their future hubbys name is fair enough.

quidsy

most of you women in this thread

tells me everything I need to know, good luck with your girlfriend, although she needs it more imo.

You are also very wrong about assuming it's right to try and force someone into marriage before they are ready.

I've never said that. I said that after multiple years you either know they are the person for you or you are wasting their time, coasting till something or someone better comes along.

No one can force another to do anything but the op & women like her need to know the flip side, pushing 40, no kids (if they never had them), single & pretty much in this society ,entering a very lmited dating pool, they have to decide if they think spending their best years with someone not prepared or sure whether they want to commit to them, is worth it.