The number...truth or lie??

marisco_2

peachyprice wrote: »

Exactly.

It's the kind of question to which the reply is all too often used as ammunition at a later date.

If that's the case then a couple were never truly compatible from the off.

dandy-candy

I think to lots of people if a potential partner said they'd slept with dozens of women/men, it would make you worry a bit about STDs/STIs. Yes I know you could be unfortunate enough to sleep with one person and catch one, but the more partner you have the more risk there is unless you always use protection and never have a condom split. And you can still get crabs then anyway!

meritaten

I don't think its anyone else's 'right to know'. you could have had one previous partner and become HIV. you could have had dozens and be STD free. your sexual history is not relevant to a current relationship in my view.
I wouldn't be happy if someone asked me this, I would feel they have a figure in THIER mind they would be unhappy with.
I also would think they would be a 'judgemental person'. because why ask otherwise?

lobbyludd

I have absolutely no shame or judgemental thoughts one way or another about my or anyone else's "number", other than asking about it seems pretty immature.

Primarily because I can't imagine what possible interest a number would be to anyone, including me: it tells me nothing about that person: intimately, sexually, personally, their beliefs: nothing.

The slow unfolding and sharing of experience, desire, belief and interaction now are how you know someone. I would be very interested in what someone wanted to get out of the answer to that question. And actually like a previous poster, the only person who asked that of me in an an adult relationship ended up being aggressive and violent - the asking of the question (dependent on context) can be a potent red warning flag.

Added to which - I am actually a separate person to anyone I am in whatever level of relationship with, and I absolutely get to decide how much of myself I share with anyone at any point. No-one is owed information simply because they ask.

If someone wants to judge that as dishonest, or unwilling to have a proper adult relationship, or anything else then that is absolutely their call. I in turn, am free to conjecture that people who insist others must immediately divulge answers to any questions a partner has, have boundary issues, are likely to get enmeshed in codependent/controlling relationships, or have personality disorders.

We all get to think whatever we want about other people's motives - doesn't mean we are right.

To the OP - you can answer OR not - it's entirely up to you, do what feels most comfortable to you, without any pressure from this thread or this other person. But if someone distances themselves from you because of your answer (whether that answer be asking what on earth they want to get from asking, or the number or a flat out mind your own business) then they are not the person for you.

People we can have good relationships with don't beggar off when we are who we are (which is not the same as divulging our entire history from the get-go).

People are all different. there are those amongst us who like having relationships with independent souls who are happy to forge a life of discovery and partnership in the now, with a gift of sharing as it comes. There are others who seem to like sharing endless tedious outpourings of every detail of their thoughts, life, experiences, beliefs, without end or edit, like a constant stream of mid morning tv. And everything in between

Anatidaephobia

When this subject came up in the early days of dating my partner, I told him the truth (I knew him quite well, we'd been friends first, so I had no reason to think his opinion of me might change) and then he told me his number - which was the exact same number as mine.

A year later, the subject of previous relationships came up in conversation and he confessed that he had lied about his number and he'd been a virgin when we got together. It didn't make a difference to me or to our relationship. I could completely understand why he lied - but I was glad that he told me the truth; not because the number is important but because he had felt stressed about the fact that he'd lied and he felt better after he told me the truth.

My advice: say whatever you want. If you don't feel comfortable answering then don't. If you feel ready to confide later in the relationship then that's fine, if you don't want to ever tell him then that's equally fine. It's early days just now so you shouldn't feel pressured into revealing things about your past that you don't want to (although I can completely understand why you might feel under pressure to 'tell').

BugglyB

"The number", wow, I didn't even know that was a thing.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Interesting thread. Glad to see the majority think that we are all entitled to a private life, and fine to only disclose what we feel comfy to. Relationships are about the here and now, not what has gone on before.


Just me, or anyone else thought VestanPance meet marisco?


Match made in heaven! Just call me Cilla.

Morglin

My DH says that "you don't have to be the first, but it's nice if you are the last".

Which is true, what has gone before a couple meet is totally irrelevant - most people have been round the block, a few times, but what does it matter?

Lin

stir_crazy

My partner has never asked, and I've never asked my partner. I knew some of my DH's past as he was quite open about his significant relationships, but I've never asked for "the number".

My friends and I did discuss it once for a laugh and although they were all quite low numbers, I was the lowest. Only one friend had any "regrets", and that was nothing to do with the number of partners, but that she had been involved with one of them at all.

Buzzybee90

BugglyB wrote: »

"The number", wow, I didn't even know that was a thing.

I didn't either, it implies that most people have slept with a large amount of people which really isn't true.