The number...truth or lie??

Indie_Kid

VestanPance wrote: »

So you advocate lying to someone who you may be entering into a long term relationship with? At what point is the relationship significant enough that you'll disclose your lies and deceit to your partner?

I don't consider it lying. It's something I don't want to discuss because it has nothing to do with my partner. It's also something I'd never ask either, because again, it's nothing to do with me.

marisco_2

VestanPance wrote: »

At what point is the relationship significant enough that you'll disclose your lies and deceit to your partner?

This. By deflecting or refusing to share the most intimate and private parts of your life, with someone who is meant to be significant to you, this sends a very clear message that you are only prepared to give so much of yourself to them. That there are important areas of your past that are completely off limits. That is not to have a satisfying adult relationship with a partner.

lostinrates

marisco wrote: »

This. By deflecting or refusing to share the most intimate and private parts of your life, with someone who is meant to be significant to you, this sends a very clear message that you are only prepared to give so much of yourself to them. That there are important areas of your past that are completely off limits. That is not to have a satisfying adult relationship with a partner.

Some one who is a boy friend becomes a long term life partner.

You don't decide overnight 'I like this person, they are now to receive everything I know about myself and if they don't tell me everything the. They much be lying'. There is a process of revelation, over a period of weeks, months, till enough is known by both to feel comfortble for longterm life commitment.

Over demanding or sharing in early days is as uncomfortable as under sharing IMO.


Boundaries exist because opening those to people we feel increasing intimacy with is beautiful, meaningful, enriching, deepening. Similarly, boundaries in art make crossing them challenging, beautiful and meaningful.


Still. So long as what we are doing works for us and our relationships are happy, there is probably more than one way to skin the rabbit.

BigAunty

VestanPance wrote: »

If you aren't embarrassed about yourself and your actions in life then what's not to answer about any question?

Exactly. That's why when I have a first date, I wear a T-shirt that says '3 men, 5 women. 1 STD. Don't take it up the bum.'

I find it breaks the ice.

marisco_2

lostinrates wrote: »

There is a process of revelation, over a period of weeks, months, till enough is known by both to feel comfortble for longterm life commitment.

Yes I absolutely agree with you. Of course not everything about yourself will come to light over the first few dates. I just believe that whenever questions are raised, it is only fair to who you are with to be willing to answer them honestly.

Tygermoth

Some very black or white thinking.

Just because you made proceed to a relationship is not a good enough reason to spout your previous sexual history just because its asked of you.

Its private to you and you only. If you want to share that great, if you don't it doesn't mean you are a shifty person full of deceit, ashamed and are blocking the path to a fulfilling and meaningful relationship.

My OH would not dream of asking and in the 12 odd years we have been together never once discussed it - if he did ask he would be given short shrift. That was me before our relationship.

In all other areas of our relationship we share everything.

lostinrates

marisco wrote: »

Yes I absolutely agree with you. Of course not everything about yourself will come to light over the first few dates. I just believe that whenever questions are raised, it is only fair to who you are with to be willing to answer them honestly.

Well, I disagree.

Some questions I wouldn't answer. Some I would see as worrying omens.

I was thin king about the ltr who was really interested in my 'life before' and that turned out to be the one I really do regret, where he was aggressive and police became involved. I think so rarely about that it could be another life. But it personally wouldn't hold the question against someone.

E.g., in some relationships I think its a valid issue, to gauge if someone has any sexual experience, because that might impact on how things proceed and what pace for the other party. .

I also would be shocked if DH asked me, for example, if the lovers of mine he has met, and I had performed particular sex acts. He wouldn't ask, and is would tell. Open and honest? No, why? Its his business is I have engaged in the sex act and like it or not, but not of his business if the other person has. So there are times, IMO, where open and honest is not respectful to others.


And let's not forget this is not just about sex. If a partner of some weeks or a few months had asked op her financial details ( not as part of a discussion about for example, moving in together but just to know, ) would you feel it were an appropriate question? I would happy and consider it mandatory to be open about finances with someone I discuss things like longer term commitment/living together. Too early I'd wonder if the answer would mean I might be a cash cow or a financial liability( depending on my financial status relatively of course,!) rather than a 'person'.

Som etimes the questions people ask tell you more than any answer can. And how its asked. I imagine 'how many partners have you had ?' a very different question to, ' I'm curious and want to know, and want to share with you. I have had x partners, y of them longterm, is that off putting to you?' And inviting sharing.

thehappybutterfly

Big Aunty - you're hilarious!! Id love to see that t-shirt!

lostinrates

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Big Aunty - you're hilarious!! Id love to see that t-shirt!

Me too.

In fact I just emailed DH that post and said ' if I get the all clear to fly to NYC ( to visit his family) I am getting this t shirt made.


I hope my openness and honesty would be commendable? Should go down well with my in laws, yes? :rotfl:

BitterAndTwisted

marisco wrote: »

This. By deflecting or refusing to share the most intimate and private parts of your life, with someone who is meant to be significant to you, this sends a very clear message that you are only prepared to give so much of yourself to them. That there are important areas of your past that are completely off limits. That is not to have a satisfying adult relationship with a partner.

Marisco, oftentimes you have extremely incisive, valuable and interesting things to contribute to threads but on this one I totally disagree with you. I think you're talking absolute twaddle.

We're all entitled to one tiny corner of our lives that are private and not open to scrutiny which we can choose not to share with other people. Not even our lovers and long-term partners. But that does not necessarily make us dishonest. I think it's perfectly possible to have a satisfying adult relationship without someone needing to peer into our past, and very possibly passing judgement upon our choices. One lover or a hundred: it's our business and our choice whether to share or not.