The number...truth or lie??

BigAunty

My partner and I presumably divulged 'figures' voluntarily and freely in the past as part of the normal discovery period and I doubt it happened in the first few weeks nor with the fear of being rejected for the answer.

I occasionally refer to myself as 'Partner Number x' and demand that they admit that I've given them the best sex. This is not a topic of anxiety and fear but one of hilarity and sharing.

You aren't really selling him to me.

Domayne

BigAunty wrote: »

Stop with the hand-wringing, already. Why do you feel the need to censure yourself or seek approval anyhow? He should be minding his own business, you shouldn't need to have to direct him.

Honey, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. We don't care if you are totally slutty.

If he minds, then perhaps you've dodged a bullet.

Now cast your mind back very carefully and thoroughly over your past social interactions with him - is there anything else that you've found even a tiny bit puzzling or frustrating? Any pointers that he may be judgemental or a bit controlling?

You should feel completely relaxed, in a state of trust and not the least bit self conscious. If you are not, you should interrogate this much further than the tiny non-issue of your past sexual history and try to figure out why you are so uncomfortable.

lol! 'Stop with the hand wringing' - this is so me! I'm a natural worrier and have really bad anxiety and I drive myself crazy with things like this...I think its just because I haven't liked anyone in such a long time and was starting to think I never would again and don't really want this to end yet? I mean I don't know if he's 'the one' but he hasn't made me feel uncomfortable yet and there isn't really anything that made me think hmmm about his behaviour. I think it's because I have such a negative view of things that I've done in the past that I might be transferring my thoughts on to him or something?

susieq87

this thread has definitely opened my eyes. i never felt like i had a choice not to answer because when i avoid the question it always comes back up. the next guy to ask me i will say "how much money do you have in your bank acct?" or ask him what his salary is and then ask why he can know how many men i have slept with when he cant tell me about his finances! ooh, even better ask for his credit score!
this thread has made me happy as you can tell

moneyistooshorttomention

I'm probably showing my age here (well my generation that is.....) in that I would wonder what was the best way to count out those men who turned out to be "users".

As far as I was concerned, sleeping with = relationship. Only there were a few times where I had been a bit naïve and realised (after the event) that the man had been a "user", rather than someone who realised this meant it was a "relationship" iyswim.

So, to many in my generation, it is necessary to have a way to delineate the ones that really were relationships and those men who turned out to have treated the woman concerned as an unpaid prostitute/notch on the belt to put it bluntly (and therefore don't count, as it wasn't our fault/choice that that happened to us iyswim).

BigAunty

susieq87 wrote: »

this thread has definitely opened my eyes. i never felt like i had a choice not to answer because when i avoid the question it always comes back up.

How about a smile and saying 'A lady never tells. A gentlemen never asks...'.

I loved Spike Milligan's autobiography. He made it clear that he would wind up Officers during the war when they asked him innocuous questions by saying 'Careless talk costs lives'.

lostinrates

The terminology of 'worse' annoys me a little. What's 'worse'? Someone who has had few partners but not been safe and 'sexually courteous and responsible' or someone who has had many responsibly?

We live in times where the choice to remain virgins forever or spread love freely if safely should be equally respected.



BUT, I tend to think when the question is raised its not always about getting to know you personally, its about wondering how the one asking measures up.

If I don't want to answer something I either say so or evade. If felt push to lie early in a relationship the question arises....why? But we all make mistakes in over sharing or over asking and so while I ABSOLUTELY agree the question is a turn off! I'd deflect it or say that I felt uncomfortable talking about it.

FBaby

If I tell him to mind his own business would he not just imagine its worse than it is though?

So he has asked you, you have avoided responding, and yet you expect the question to come again soon...mmmm....so he is not just curious, but persistent too.

I would laugh it off and tell him that I won't respond. If he said that from that answer he concluded that I slept with many, I would say, in a light way that it is up to him to believe what he wants and leave it to that.

BitterAndTwisted

I've never been asked that question in my life. Any man who asked, even if a long-term partner, would get very short shrift. It's none of their damned business! We're all entitled to a life before we met them, and so are they. I have absolutely no interest in how few or how many sexual partners someone may have had.

marisco_2

Domayne wrote: »

What do you say when this conversation comes up?! Do you tell the truth and hope that the guy accepts that its a part of you/your past and does not judge? Or do you lie so that he/she doesn't think more negatively of you?

Total openness and honesty is always the best policy. If you lie to someone that you are meant to value and respect, and that is discovered later on down the line, then it will just achieve to instantly erode all the trust they ever felt able to place in you.

This guy you are seeing may or may not view your past negatively, much will depend on his outlook on life. If he cant totally accept you as you are and all that has occurred in your past, then you would not be right for each other anyway, and the sooner that is discovered the better.

To not be straight with someone over something as important as this, is to fail to have a proper relationship with them in my opinion.

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

This guy you are seeing may or may not view your past negatively, much will depend on his outlook on life. If he cant totally accept you as you are and all that has occurred in your past, then you would not be right for each other anyway, and the sooner that is discovered the better.

He knows her now - if he likes what he sees in front of him, why should the number of partners that she had years ago change his opinion of her?

Have you really told your OH "all that occurred" in your life in the years before you met him?