The number...truth or lie??

Buzzybee90

VestanPance wrote: »

I think for some people it's not so much the number, but how they arrived at that number. I know men and women who wouldn't be interested in entering relationships with people that had casual sex or FWB's in their past.

For some casual sex, one night stands, friends with benefits etc is what they consider normal. Others view that as a turn off in a prospective partner.

Yes, I agree.

mandragora_2

Domayne wrote: »

So last night the question came up again and he said he noticed that I avoided it, why didn't I want to tell him? I intended to be honest because I really don't want to start on some foundation of lies but I panicked and found myself giving him an arbitrary number of 5 which he didn't seem to think was that many, but .then he started asking other questions like how old was I when I lost my virginity, how long was I with the guy, have I done this and that...I lied to ALL of these questions, the only questions I answered honestly were about my ex.
He text me this morning, just hi how are you? but I haven't replied yet because I feel so stupid and awkward

Why did you panic?
1. What's 'the number' got to do with him?
2. What's he going to do? Start an investigation and check that you've told the truth?
3. What's any of the rest got to do with him? You haven't slept with him so far, and to be honest, I think that every time a question like this pops into his head, much less out of his mouth, he surely makes it less and less likely you'd ever want to.

You don't like what he's asking. He's making you feel uncomfortable, yet you're the one who seems to be feeling awkward, and, perhaps a bit guilty?

I don't think you should spend another second worrying about any of this. Run. Run for the hills. Well, actually a dignified and assertive, 'Thanks for the past few weeks, but this isn't going to work. Goodbye' is probably all that's needed. Then, get on with something nicer more rewarding and which doesn't leave you feeling ragged. Volunteer dog walking? Embroidery? Watching too much Judge Judy on the telly? None of those things will make you feel as cruddy as this bloke is doing.

anotheruser

That's right: Lie and forever know that you have lied to your future partner. Also, accept your past. Many people live for the here and now, then become ashamed of their past.
I have enough things in my past I am ashamed of but this is one thing that I am proud of.

Obviously if it's a relationship that you expect to end then it is a different story.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The only reason for being asked this by a man is that he's insecure about the low number of lover's he's had, so likely will feel intimidated by someone who might be more experienced than he is.

I'm a man, the reason I have asked before is because it does tell you a lot about a person. If someone has only been with one partner sexually then to me it says they are strong-willed, protective of their future, happy to show true love to a select few rather than every man in and in some cases, his dog! :O
Yet someone who has had sex with 50+ people says to me that they don't really care about tomorrow as it's all about them and their desperation to feel some sort of pleasure NOW. The person has been pressured perhaps, which tells me they are a little on the weak side. I suspect a lot of women don't even feel that much pleasure from having sex as they are almost passing out.


But then I can't stand how in society women are still made to feel bad if the number is more than 3, yet guys it's seen as a trophy - ugh! Not the kind of world I live in. I guess this is what the world is like these days though, that sex means nothing more than a quick 10 mins of pleasure.


My partner has had more than me, although I have forgotten how many now (low, only 2 or 3). I have only ever had her (through choice, and it's not like I couldn't have sex before). I have never used that against her because I know how much she is ashamed of even the low number she has. If she knew now what she did then, she says she would have easily waited for me. Using it against someone is just bad and the guy isn't worth it.
However, there is a significant difference with knowing a number and every minute detail about their past sex lives. I don't wish to know details as I'm not one of those guys that gets off seeing my partner with someone else, so thinking about what she may have got up to isn't really worth asking about.


In my opinion, people should try and have some integrity and tell the truth. If yo ask (in return) "how much money do you have", what kind of a picture does that paint of you?


Plus, if you continue to hide it, the answer speaks for itself so you may as well have just answered. By not telling him, it tells me that you're ashamed of the number - is that true?

theoretica

anotheruser wrote: »

I'm a man, the reason I have asked before is because it does tell you a lot about a person.

anotheruser wrote: »

If yo ask (in return) "how much money do you have", what kind of a picture does that paint of you?

How someone handles, and has handled, their finances tells you a lot about them as a person. Useful things to know about a potential partner, like whether they are strong-willed, protective of their future or don't really care about tomorrow as it's all about them.

lostinrates

theoretica wrote: »

How someone handles, and has handled, their finances tells you a lot about them as a person. Useful things to know about a potential partner, like whether they are strong-willed, protective of their future or don't really care about tomorrow as it's all about them.

A plethora of things tell you a little about a person. How they dress,whT they eat, where they shop, how they treat people in shops and when they are driving......

Also, the questions about the past only tell you about them in the here and now when contextualised. E.g. A look at past SOAs of mine at different stages of life would be incredibly confusing, because my spending requirements and incomes have been varied. I do think the issue of self value etc with sexual relationships has merit, more than I would have considered some years ago. But, that's rather the point. Someone who has DEVELOPED in ideas from when they were younger might be someone who doesn't have the past you consider 'ideal' but who has more shared ideal with you now than someone who does have this 'ideal past and record' in any single area of life.

Mojisola

anotheruser wrote: »

If someone has only been with one partner sexually then to me it says they are strong-willed, protective of their future, happy to show true love to a select few rather than every man in and in some cases, his dog

Or it could mean that they are totally freaked-out at the thought of sex!

To think you know all that about a person from the number of people they have slept with is bonkers.

Buzzybee90

Things like finances, past relationships, educational history, job history, family history would all be really important to me. But I've been with my partner since 17 so none of these things were really an issue when we stated dating.

I do think they tell you a lot about a person though I wouldn't outright ask about them but hopefully learn them as you got to know one another. My lovely boy passes with flying colours and I wouldn't have it any other way.

TrickyWicky

JIL wrote: »

No where do I suggest I was perfect. At any age.

Ok so you'll forgive me for my mistakes then

JIL wrote: »

It just really winds me up that a man can sleep around, as much as he wants and he is a stud, his pals slap his back like he is some kind of macho man. Perhaps that's why you lied, why would you sound better if you had more knotches on your bed post?

Yes. I wasn't about to admit to not being a man was I? - Thats how the world seems to see it - the more women a man bangs, the more of a man he is. Heck I've known plenty of women who admit to seeing it that way too.

Then there is the single vs spoken-for man thing. Walk into a bar by yourself or with the lads and not many women will give you a look. Walk in with a woman on your arm and they'll all check you out. Whats with that? - Many women (not all) have an unconscious preference for men who have been about a bit thats what.

Yes I admit I fell fowl to insecurity and I told my girl a porky however this was short lived and i eventually 'fessed up. We're still together moons later.

JIL wrote: »

Does a woman have more appeal if she has less?

Remember I am only being truthful here and not many on this board seem to like the truth but: Yes.

Here's why (IMO as a man): The less men a women has been with the less chance there is of her having been with a better 'performer' in bed. The less chance of that, the more chance she'll be satisfied with me.

Selfish? Totally. How it works? Yes.

JIL wrote: »

A woman on the other hand if she sleeps around, she is a slapper, a tramp. Not someone to be worthy of a long term relationship.

Not so much that as there is the risk of her perhaps not being satisfied and straying away.

JIL wrote: »

Wheres the difference and why are they treated so differently.

Blokes have ego to keep them going. Without that, we're nothing.

If I split with my current missus, would I askthe next girl how many? Probably not. As I've aged, stuff like that become less important to me. If it worked it worked if not.. onto the next.

Ozzuk

I'd walk away to be honest. I recognise his behaviour as similar to mine from an early relationship and he's likely hung up on his past and worried too much about yours, perhaps self esteem issues. the fact that he raised it again so soon would set alarm bells off and it will likely only get worse.

I took me a while to realise it didn't matter, and that was perhaps linked to me maturing and indeed dating a lot more. I think its totally fine to be sleeping with someone and discussing likes/dislikes - in fact I think its brilliant if you can do that and it leads to a lot more fun, but it should always be from the, 'do you like, or 'would you like' rather than 'have you ever'.

Honestly, I'd probably walk away from this one, he needs to grow up.

BugglyB

TrickyWicky wrote: »

It's an imprefect world. I have faults At the time I figured I should boost the number by a couple to make myself sound better. I was young and stupid but you were perfect at that age right?



It doesn't mean that at all but it does give you an idea as to whether the person is a sex mad monster who may cheat on you or respectable.

As i mentioned in my post, I knew another girl (flatmate) who would pretty much go with anyone - paid or not! To meet her / look at her you'd never know it. She had plenty of fellas but none of them ever lasted because she would get bored and start prowling for another bloke. How many people here would really want to get involved with someone like that? - I wouldn't!

I don't know that it does to be honest.

I've slept with absolutely loads of people and its just convinced me even more that my now husband is the one for me, and I'll never cheat on him or take him for granted.

Some of my friends who haven't had many/any other partners are still wondering if the grass might be greener, even though they have lovely husbands who care about them.

I'd be careful of basing your view of people or relationships on one person that you used to know.