Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Good morning, and thanks for your lovely comments. I slept ok, but it was a very disturbed and broken sleep.

I woke up feeling pretty wretched. I'm at work but I can't concentrate, I just keep thinking about him. Going over everything in my mind. Replaying conversations that we had, lovely things that he said to me.

spirit wrote: »

Glad you had a good evening out Tay. I'm sure it did you good.

What I was thinking was that maybe he has 'another' part of his life that he hadn't involved you in and that now you've known each other a while, he's got to the stage where -if your relationship is to continue, he needs to 'come clean' about.

I'm erring at the moment on the 'accident' being something of a red herring in order to 'buy some thinking time'. Just IMHO of course.

Perhaps.

When you say 'buy some thinking time', does that mean that he might still want to be with me?

tea_lover wrote: »

Honestly, that rings warning bells for me. After nearly 3 months the guy is saying he loves you but you've yet to meet any of his friends or family or see where he lives?

I hope I'm wrong but it looks to me like he's married (speaking from experience here!)

I feel sick even thinking about that.

The towns we live in aren't that far apart. Would he not be taking a huge risk going out in public with me? Also, we spent a lot of weekend time together.

I honestly don't think that he's married.

Rux

@Tayforth

It's as simple as this: perhaps it wasn't meant to be. There is no love without pain, let yourself feel it... and look inside you, perhaps somewhere in there you know it wasn't him you were looking for. Easier said than done, I've just been there too... but you can't hang on to someone who doesn't want you anymore just because for a while it seemed 'perfect'.

lostinrates

Rux wrote: »

@ There is no love without pain, let yourself feel it... '.

There is love without pain ( and angst and drama).

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

No, they aren't broken. You're tougher than that. They are just suffering after a particularly punishing and poorly paced workout.

Look, the guy might have genuine stuff going on, but even if it is as a result from the head injury....I'm going to say what I wish someone would have counselled DH to do when my health went down hill shortly after getting together with him, lOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Love is not something one rare person out there can offer you. There are good men who may involve some compromises. But the compromise should not be how they communicate with you, or treat you. It might be looks, wallet, some adaptations to the life plan you have as a single person. Finding someone who we walk totally in sync with is bloody rare, that I agree, finding someone whose music mashes well with yours, that's not so hard.

I do realise I'm lucky that I met and married a lovely guy earlyish in life, but it think its because I felt I had plenty of options, I was very clear about communicating and what I expected and demand the same of my partners. I had one vry dodgy ex, and that's it. After that I drew my lines clearly, cleanly and enjoyed my partners and relationships.

Even if love comes early and easily in a relationship it did for DH and I, remember that your hormones are powerfully involved, as much as your heart.

Thanks, LIR. Those are very wise words, and I promise to take them on board.

How did you communicate what you expected?

Izadora wrote: »

They may be a little bit bruised and battered but they're not broken. Please don't feel like you've been foolish to open up to someone who wasn't worthy of your love and trust, I think the really foolish thing would be to miss out on something wonderful because you're too scared to take the risk.

As your signature says "Never regret something that once made you smile".

I copied that from someone's comment on another thread last week, when I was starting to feel things slipping away with this guy. I'm just trying really hard to believe in it at the minute.

his_missus wrote: »

I agree with the others, tayforth, you were not foolish to open up to him. You weren't to know he wasn't going to be the one after all. You have to let your defences down to let someone in and this experience should not prevent you from doing that next time.

Thank you. I feel very closed off at the minute, I can't imagine ever wanting to let anyone in again. But maybe I'll feel differently in the future.

tesuhoha

Tayforth, if he's not letting you into his life, then he's not your soul mate.

tayforth

teawithmilk wrote: »

Hi Tay, nighttime is always the worst time for feeling bad isnt it?

well another day dawns and we are all still here for you!

Im glad you had someone to be with last night to take your mind off things a bit.

i cant add anything to all the incredibly wise stuff here!

except to say that dont stop being yourself, yes you trusted this guy and he messed up- stupid stupid man.

((((Tay))))

Thanks TWM. It's actually hard in the morning as well, to wake up and feel hopeless about the rest of the day. Or to be half-asleep, half-awake, dreaming about how things were and realise that they're not like that any more.

God, I'm so sorry I'm being like this.

Rux wrote: »

@Tayforth

It's as simple as this: perhaps it wasn't meant to be. There is no love without pain, let yourself feel it... and look inside you, perhaps somewhere in there you know it wasn't him you were looking for. Easier said than done, I've just been there too... but you can't hang on to someone who doesn't want you anymore just because for a while it seemed 'perfect'.

lostinrates wrote: »

There is love without pain ( and angst and drama).

Thank you both. I know, there is love without pain. I thought that that was what we had, I thought that we were going to be happy for a long time (maybe even forever). But I was so wrong.

At the moment, the pain is so acute, I don't believe that it was worth it. I honestly wish that I'd never met him.

tayforth

tesuhoha wrote: »

Tayforth, if he's not letting you into his life, then he's not your soul mate.

That's a very wise thing to say (devastating though).

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks, LIR. Those are very wise words, and I promise to take them on board.

How did you communicate what you expected?

.

I opened my mouth and words came out

Saying what I think is not hard for me. I have the opposite problem. which is alsoreal, sometimes you need to stop wondering how you think and feel and just experience:) and decide to review later.

Otoh, it's never let me down, Communicating. The only time I fought my instinct was when I ended up in dodgy relationship, for which I take some responsibility.


I think it also helps that I had not always been in monogamous relationships ( this was by mutual consent) and for these to work clear, honest communication and revision of how one feels is important.


DH found my bald communication very funny, but liked that I don't play games with it, not seriously. Nor do I harp on, becUse if you are Both open and honest then you have the answers you need. I find if I feel I need to ask about something again then something is unsatisfied, so I say..' You know, I'm trying not to go on about this but I find x is playing on my I mind so I'd like to address it'

Sometimes the only honest answer is

'I don't know yet'. Which one has to accept and then how I work is I say ok, when you have an answer please let me know, other wise, let's re visit this when, September?' And we agree a time to raise the issue again.

With DH, it was a case for example that he wanted a monogamous relationship and we were moving very quickly but he had not had a ltr before. I am also mindful of hormone involvement . I was honest and said, 'ok, I like this, lets do it, but i won't commit to anything inextricable before a year, and Expect to review annually where we are and have some sort of commitment within x time' I didn't expect to get ill and stuff. He understood I meant it though. We were both expecting to making considerable lifestyle adjustments for each other, but not to the extent we have ended up making for my health!


Tay, the reason I harp on about hormones is partly because its honest, whatever we genuinely feel, we also experience a biochemical reaction which clouds our judgement, Being honest with myself about this helps me make sound decisions. Honesty with myself is foremost because I can only be honest with Foundinrates if I am honest with myself to know what I am thinking and feeling. That's why often the answer is 'dunno' or ' I don't mind'. Sometimes the discussion goes ' you know when I said x , well, I think I got that wrong could we talk about trying x2 or maybe even y instead?'.

duchy

Awww
Thing is that if he was genuinely everything you thought he was-even if he had backed off because it was too intense or decided it wasn't what he wanted he'd have had the decency not to just leave you hanging without explanation so you are mourning your loss of your dream of what you hoped he was - not your loss of him.......and it's fine to mourn and then move on

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

At the moment, the pain is so acute, I don't believe that it was worth it. I honestly wish that I'd never met him.

But then you wouldn't learn what ever you will learn from this and be the new and improved tayforth.



Its funny, people talk about 'damage' or rubbish of relationships, But really where they go wrong, whether they are mended or not, is often opportunity for personal development and growth.