Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

and also that I believe that everyone we come into contact with is there to teach us something (about ourselves normally).

Thanks, spirit. Hopefully there will be a lesson in this somewhere. If anyone knows what it might be, I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts. I'm too confused to analyse it all properly.

spirit wrote: »

the BIB, i can heartily recommend this book on the subject.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

Thank you, I will read it xx

tayforth

I just want to say: thank you all for your kind words so far, they are helping me so much xxx

lostinrates

I'm not wise. I just am good at relationships because I know I cannot guess, so I make sure my partner/s talk and if they aren't communicators they aren't for me. That's fine, there are plenty of people, and loads of people love to talk about how a They feel.

The big thing for me is I know my limitations. I have to work quite hard at empathy, so its easier for me to ensure I'm in a communicative relation ship. From looking from the outside in ( and not talking about you tayforth) I think a lot of problems could be minimised if more people were more dubious about their own skills and said, actually, I'm probably better talking about this. As a result I ENJOYED dating, being single, find saying, 'actually, this works for me better, what does it for you?' If non verbal cues aren't clear, I don't fume, I say. If its not clear on saying its not right for me.



You have said, and what ever his reasons, its not right for you. Thus, what you thought it was it isn't cry, feel the hurt and get back into the pool.

There is a lot to be said for ( consensual) non exclusivity. It means all your eggs aren't in one basket and so neither is too much pressure.

I categorically do not believe in 'the one' yet I have one of the best marriages I can see in people around me.

LutonGirl

tayforth wrote: »

How did you break up with him?

By phone, but not at my instigation.

I'd had more than two weeks of little or no contact from him. Broken promises to call, not more than one text a day and I'd tried to keep my cool and be really light about it, not text much - didn't want to come over as a bunny boiler.

After the 3rd promised phone call didn't happen I dried my tears and went out for the night with friends. I was on the train to meet them when his call came through with excuses about being really busy and working too hard etc etc.

I told him that I could make his life easier for him. He asked how and so I said it was over - how he'd made it plain that he didn't have room for me in his life - despite all the previous weeks of him talking way into the night, planning, hoping, dreaming, declarations of love on his part and "if we got married one day" comments.

He was taken aback and a bit shocked. Luckily the train went through a tunnel and the call dropped. He didn't try to call me back or text me then or the next day so I deleted his number.

Why do you always remember the numbers of the ones that break your heart? I recognised the number a month later when I got a text from him as I was about to go to an event that he'd been due to attend with me. He wished me a great night and he was sorry he wasn't with me... blah blah blah. Delete

That New Year's Even I got a text from him. Delete.

The relationship barely lasted 6 months - took me a lot longer to get over it and him. I let down my years old careful guard and allowed him to get under my skin.

BUT I did get over it, I did move on to better things and realise he probably wasn't right for me. No one can live on an emotional rollercoaster. The odd ride is fun of course... but it's not a sustainable way to live your life.

It will get better for you.

PS: Forgot to say, he went away with "the lads" and that seemed to be the cooling off point. After that trip he was always hard to get hold of and he didn't take his phone on the trip... To this day I think "the lads" were probably another woman.

NAR

Oh Tayforth you are having such a rough time right now BIG HUGS.

Ok having read through this the big change seems to have stemmed since the car accident.

Did you visit him in hospital or at home since his discharge? If not (men's logic here) he may be feeling neglected/that you don't "love" him the way he hoped.

Alternatively the concussion has changed/affected him far more than anybody has realised. Maybe he needs checked out medically?

I agree his actions are strange, considering how well you were getting along, which makes me tend towards he has a medical problem that needs investigating. Are there any of his friends/family you could discuss your concerns with?

Bangton

LutonGirl wrote: »

By phone, but not at my instigation.

I'd had more than two weeks of little or no contact from him. Broken promises to call, not more than one text a day and I'd tried to keep my cool and be really light about it, not text much - didn't want to come over as a bunny boiler.

After the 3rd promised phone call didn't happen I dried my tears and went out for the night with friends. I was on the train to meet them when his call came through with excuses about being really busy and working too hard etc etc.

I told him that I could make his life easier for him. He asked how and so I said it was over - how he'd made it plain that he didn't have room for me in his life - despite all the previous weeks of him talking way into the night, planning, hoping, dreaming, declarations of love on his part and "if we got married one day" comments.

He was taken aback and a bit shocked. Luckily the train went through a tunnel and the call dropped. He didn't try to call me back or text me then or the next day so I deleted his number.

Why do you always remember the numbers of the ones that break your heart? I recognised the number a month later when I got a text from him as I was about to go to an event that he'd been due to attend with me. He wished me a great night and he was sorry he wasn't with me... blah blah blah. Delete

That New Year's Even I got a text from him. Delete.

The relationship barely lasted 6 months - took me a lot longer to get over it and him. I let down my years old careful guard and allowed him to get under my skin.

BUT I did get over it, I did move on to better things and realise he probably wasn't right for me. No one can live on an emotional rollercoaster. The odd ride is fun of course... but it's not a sustainable way to live your life.

It will get better for you.

PS: Forgot to say, he went away with "the lads" and that seemed to be the cooling off point. After that trip he was always hard to get hold of and he didn't take his phone on the trip... To this day I think "the lads" were probably another woman.

I love this post and well done you! !

Have to be honest I don't believe he's blown cold because of the accident. People do it all the time... All full on and then suddenly the interest wanes.

I think you know in your heart what's going on here and I agree with no contact.

Delete his number and concentrate on getting over this. It will get easier and I'm so very sorry for the hurt he's caused you. Your other thread demonstrates your resilience ... You can get over this.

Hugs xx

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm not wise. I just am good at relationships because I know I cannot guess, so I make sure my partner/s talk and if they aren't communicators they aren't for me. That's fine, there are plenty of people, and loads of people love to talk about how a They feel.

The big thing for me is I know my limitations. I have to work quite hard at empathy, so its easier for me to ensure I'm in a communicative relation ship. From looking from the outside in ( and not talking about you tayforth) I think a lot of problems could be minimised if more people were more dubious about their own skills and said, actually, I'm probably better talking about this. As a result I ENJOYED dating, being single, find saying, 'actually, this works for me better, what does it for you?' If non verbal cues aren't clear, I don't fume, I say. If its not clear on saying its not right for me.

You have said, and what ever his reasons, its not right for you. Thus, what you thought it was it isn't cry, feel the hurt and get back into the pool.

There is a lot to be said for ( consensual) non exclusivity. It means all your eggs aren't in one basket and so neither is too much pressure.

I categorically do not believe in 'the one' yet I have one of the best marriages I can see in people around me.

Thanks, LIR. See, you are wise in that you know your limitations and you recognise the need to communicate.

LutonGirl wrote: »

By phone, but not at my instigation.

I'd had more than two weeks of little or no contact from him. Broken promises to call, not more than one text a day and I'd tried to keep my cool and be really light about it, not text much - didn't want to come over as a bunny boiler.

After the 3rd promised phone call didn't happen I dried my tears and went out for the night with friends. I was on the train to meet them when his call came through with excuses about being really busy and working too hard etc etc.

I told him that I could make his life easier for him. He asked how and so I said it was over - how he'd made it plain that he didn't have room for me in his life - despite all the previous weeks of him talking way into the night, planning, hoping, dreaming, declarations of love on his part and "if we got married one day" comments.

He was taken aback and a bit shocked. Luckily the train went through a tunnel and the call dropped. He didn't try to call me back or text me then or the next day so I deleted his number.

Why do you always remember the numbers of the ones that break your heart? I recognised the number a month later when I got a text from him as I was about to go to an event that he'd been due to attend with me. He wished me a great night and he was sorry he wasn't with me... blah blah blah. Delete

That New Year's Even I got a text from him. Delete.

The relationship barely lasted 6 months - took me a lot longer to get over it and him. I let down my years old careful guard and allowed him to get under my skin.

BUT I did get over it, I did move on to better things and realise he probably wasn't right for me. No one can live on an emotional rollercoaster. The odd ride is fun of course... but it's not a sustainable way to live your life.

It will get better for you.

PS: Forgot to say, he went away with "the lads" and that seemed to be the cooling off point. After that trip he was always hard to get hold of and he didn't take his phone on the trip... To this day I think "the lads" were probably another woman.

Thank you for sharing your story. Well done on having the strength to tell him that it was over, though I'm sure it was hard at the time xx

NAR wrote: »

Oh Tayforth you are having such a rough time right now BIG HUGS.

Ok having read through this the big change seems to have stemmed since the car accident.

Did you visit him in hospital or at home since his discharge? If not (men's logic here) he may be feeling neglected/that you don't "love" him the way he hoped.

Alternatively the concussion has changed/affected him far more than anybody has realised. Maybe he needs checked out medically?

I agree his actions are strange, considering how well you were getting along, which makes me tend towards he has a medical problem that needs investigating. Are there any of his friends/family you could discuss your concerns with?

I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt, because of the accident.

I offered to go and visit him several times, but he said that he was at his parents'/had a doctor's appointment etc, and that he'd come to see me on X day. But he didn't turn up - twice. Both times, he had excuses related to the head injury, and I believed him. But now he hasn't contacted me in two days (since my text, paraphrased in post 37 http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=65583626&postcount=37). And I don't know what to think.

I know it's possible that he's been affected more than he realised, but he can still use his phone. He could contact me if he wanted to. But he hasn't.

tayforth

Bangton wrote: »

I love this post and well done you! !

Have to be honest I don't believe he's blown cold because of the accident. People do it all the time... All full on and then suddenly the interest wanes.

I think you know in your heart what's going on here and I agree with no contact.

Delete his number and concentrate on getting over this. It will get easier and I'm so very sorry for the hurt he's caused you. Your other thread demonstrates your resilience ... You can get over this.

Hugs xx

Thank you, Bangton. I've promised myself that I won't contact him. I've managed two days. The temptation is overwhelming, but I am resisting so far.

Judi wrote: »

Theres nothing like a good dose of reality to turn the hardiest of men cold.

I'm talking about the accident.

What do you mean, Judi?

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Well if he was messing you around maybe the accident gave him a bit of a reality check. That what he was doing really wasn't very nice. My fault, poor choice of words sorry.

No, don't apologise. That sounds plausible.

So, in other words, perhaps he wasn't that into me (but was pretending to be in love), but the accident pricked his conscience?

The only thing is, he kept declaring love right up until we last spoke on the phone 3 days ago. Completely unprompted. He continued gushing about how much he loves me, same as he ever did.

</3

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Thats what I meant. Sorry I'm not thinking clearly about what I'm saying...I'm ill and in bed.

Hugs. Sorry to hear that you're ill. Hope that it's nothing serious?


Re the accident making him realise that he was leading me on... he could have distanced himself, or been vague on the phone, or stopped saying the L word. I would have taken the hint. But he never did. So I've been left wondering what's going on.

He kept saying that he still loved me (right up until our last phone conversation 3 days ago), and when I asked me him if he still wanted to be with me, he said of course he did, and why would I even ask that.