Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Primrose wrote: »

Tayforth , presumably you know where he lives. Is there a very remote possibility that he is still unwell as a result of his accident? Could you have the courage to visit him to tell him that you were concerned about his well being in view of his accident and wanted to satisfy yourself that nothing terrible had happened to him. You could then tell him that if he's having second thoughts you would at least like to end things in an amicable face to face fashion so that if you ever accidentally encounter one another on a future occasion you can both do so without embarrassment or ill feeling

Some may advise not doing this but the uncertainty is obviously making you feel wretched. At least this way you will get to know definitely how the land lies. . And if there's still a chance of retrieving the situation, doing it face to face is probably the only way of picking up the body language and seeing how he reacts.

tea_lover wrote: »

Personally I would say that turning up at his house when he's not returning texts or calks looks a bit stalker-ish.

Primrose, thank you. I know you mean well. But I could never do anything like that. It's entirely possible that he's more unwell than he's letting on, but I'm sure he can still use his phone. If he wanted to contact me, he would. I could not go to his home uninvited, honestly.

You're absolutely right, tea lover.

themull1 wrote: »

It sounds like there is someone at home looking after him. Delete his mobile number and ignore him. You will find someone better, and yes, i'm talking from experience!! Don't keep ringing and sounding needy on the phone, nothing worse.

Thank you. I've got through today without contacting him (though I admit, it's been very hard), and I hope that tomorrow will be a tiny bit easier, and the day after that. I know what you mean, it will do no good to call and sound needy. That's not me. I want to keep my dignity and self-respect.

tayforth

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Please don't feel foolish that you were open honest and trusting - these are wonderful qualities that good men cherish.
And it doesn't necessarily mean that a man who declares love very early on is just as likely to fall out of love quickly - my now DH told me he loved me pretty early on and never wavered from that and we are now married several years down the line.


It doesn't look good when a man doesn't communicate for 3 weeks though - all very strange. A man who is keen wouldn't do that without very good reason. I hope you get a decent explanation. I feel very sad that this has happened for you.

Thanks for the reassurance, Brighton belle. It'll be hard to trust my judgment after this, but I will try not to feel that way. I don't want to change who I am.

dancingfairy wrote: »

Oh no Big hugs. I followed your initial thread and was so pleased you'd escaped and started to rebuild your life. (You have a lot of supporters).
My gut feeling is that the accident wasn't very long ago and may have had a big impact on him and he doesn't want to burden you with it all but it's impossible to tell from here. I only wish he would open up to you so at least you knew where you stood
I hope things improve.
df

Thanks so much, dancingfairy.

The accident was 2.5 weeks ago. And if his behaviour were as a result of that, then I would understand and support him 100%. But he has pushed me away. Whether it's because of the accident or not, I can't really do much about it.

spirit wrote: »

Tay,

Do you mind me asking how you first met him? How much do you know about him? Did you meet his family/friends? When you went out, did you meet out somwhere or go to each others houses?

Sorry for all the questions.

No need to apologise at all xx

We met at a charity event. I know about his family (names, ages, a bit of background about them), but I hadn't met them or his friends yet. But he said that he wanted me to meet them, and to meet mine. He's shown me family photos. I know about his interests, and his favourite football team, and places he's travelled, and where he works. I suppose I only know what he's told me, though.

When we went out, he came to visit me (he lives in a different town) and we went out to bars, cafes and restaurants, plus did a few touristy things.

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

One day the right man will appreciate your trust, your openness and honesty. Its a requirement needed in great quantities in a good relationship. Nothing sad and foolish about that.

Thanks so much, Judi. That's a very kind and wise thing to say xxxx

tesuhoha wrote: »

The way I see it is that if he is the kind of guy who blows hot and cold then you are better off knowing now before the relationship goes any further. This type of behaviour is another form of abuse unless of course it has been caused by the accident.

If he is treating you like this intentionally then honestly you are better off without him because any relationship would probably continue in this pattern if he has any kind of problem as it seems he has the capacity to withdraw from you.

Otherwise it could be the head injury that has affected him and if this is the case it may impact on other areas of his life such as work. Do you know where he works?

I'm very sorry to hear about this as it sounded as if you had found happiness at last but please don't give up on men. The right one is out there for you somewhere. xxx

Thank you. I know all of this in my heart, but it's good to be reminded. I suppose it is best to know now rather than a year down the line xx

lostinrates wrote: »

I don't think any of us can really guess what he feels / might be doing. I'm not going to try to. I will only say in your shoes I would not make another attempt at contact now, see what happens.

But.....

There is good news in this tayforth. Part of your 'you' ness and the bits needed for future love, buts you thought might be bruised beyond repair still work.

I'd also ask if with these trusting, loving bits of yourself working, will you hand them over to someone who texts and doesn't answer your calls? Really?

Thank you, LIR. You always hit the nail on the head.

No, I suppose I shouldn't hand anything so precious over to someone who doesn't deserve it. Thanks also for the reminder that I am still capable of love and trust.

The thing is, at the moment, I feel as if I'd just got them working again after all this time and this guy has broken them.

tayforth

I need to go to bed, I've cried for an hour and my eyes hurt.

Thank you all for your support today, it's so much appreciated xxxx

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

No need to apologise at all xx

We met at a charity event. I know about his family (names, ages, a bit of background about them), but I hadn't met them or his friends yet. But he said that he wanted me to meet them, and to meet mine. He's shown me family photos. I know about his interests, and his favourite football team, and places he's travelled, and where he works. I suppose I only know what he's told me, though.

When we went out, he came to visit me (he lives in a different town) and we went out to bars, cafes and restaurants, plus did a few touristy things.

Glad you had a good evening out Tay. I'm sure it did you good.

What I was thinking was that maybe he has 'another' part of his life that he hadn't involved you in and that now you've known each other a while, he's got to the stage where -if your relationship is to continue, he needs to 'come clean' about.

I'm erring at the moment on the 'accident' being something of a red herring in order to 'buy some thinking time'. Just IMHO of course.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you, LIR. You always hit the nail on the head.

No, I suppose I shouldn't hand anything so precious over to someone who doesn't deserve it. Thanks also for the reminder that I am still capable of love and trust.

The thing is, at the moment, I feel as if I'd just got them working again after all this time and this guy has broken them.

No, they aren't broken. You're tougher than that. They are just suffering after a particularly punishing and poorly paced workout.

Look, the guy might have genuine stuff going on, but even if it is as a result from the head injury....I'm going to say what I wish someone would have counselled DH to do when my health went down hill shortly after getting together with him, lOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Love is not something one rare person out there can offer you. There are good men who may involve some compromises. But the compromise should not be how they communicate with you, or treat you. It might be looks, wallet, some adaptations to the life plan you have as a single person. Finding someone who we walk totally in sync with is bloody rare, that I agree, finding someone whose music mashes well with yours, that's not so hard.

I do realise I'm lucky that I met and married a lovely guy earlyish in life, but it think its because I felt I had plenty of options, I was very clear about communicating and what I expected and demand the same of my partners. I had one vry dodgy ex, and that's it. After that I drew my lines clearly, cleanly and enjoyed my partners and relationships.

Even if love comes early and easily in a relationship it did for DH and I, remember that your hormones are powerfully involved, as much as your heart.

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

We met at a charity event. I know about his family (names, ages, a bit of background about them), but I hadn't met them or his friends yet. But he said that he wanted me to meet them, and to meet mine. He's shown me family photos. I know about his interests, and his favourite football team, and places he's travelled, and where he works. I suppose I only know what he's told me, though.

When we went out, he came to visit me (he lives in a different town) and we went out to bars, cafes and restaurants, plus did a few touristy things.

Honestly, that rings warning bells for me. After nearly 3 months the guy is saying he loves you but you've yet to meet any of his friends or family or see where he lives?

I hope I'm wrong but it looks to me like he's married (speaking from experience here!)

teawithmilk

Hi Tay, nighttime is always the worst time for feeling bad isnt it?

well another day dawns and we are all still here for you!

Im glad you had someone to be with last night to take your mind off things a bit.

i cant add anything to all the incredibly wise stuff here!

except to say that dont stop being yourself, yes you trusted this guy and he messed up- stupid stupid man.

((((Tay))))

Izadora

tayforth wrote: »

The thing is, at the moment, I feel as if I'd just got them working again after all this time and this guy has broken them.

They may be a little bit bruised and battered but they're not broken. Please don't feel like you've been foolish to open up to someone who wasn't worthy of your love and trust, I think the really foolish thing would be to miss out on something wonderful because you're too scared to take the risk.

As your signature says "Never regret something that once made you smile".

his_missus

I agree with the others, tayforth, you were not foolish to open up to him. You weren't to know he wasn't going to be the one after all. You have to let your defences down to let someone in and this experience should not prevent you from doing that next time.