Heartbroken - just need to talk

Rux

tayforth wrote: »

That's a very wise thing to say (devastating though).

Perhaps it's better that it happened now and not one year (or five) into the relationship? (That's what I tell myself)

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

The towns we live in aren't that far apart. Would he not be taking a huge risk going out in public with me? Also, we spent a lot of weekend time together.

I honestly don't think that he's married.

I really hope not to, and chances are he isn't. I just have an in-built twonk attractor.

When I was about 18 I met a great guy, we got on so well, he said all the right things. After a couple of months he went very quiet, no contact for a week or so (this was in the days before texts/emails etc) but he'd been a regular caller/visitor up till then.

Finally heard back from him after a fortnight of silence - he'd been on his honeymoon!!! :eek::eek: Not only that, he also thought we'd be fine to carry on as we were before he got married.

Oh, and to make it clear I had no idea at all that he was engaged or I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

But I have every faith in you that you're a better judge of character than I am... most people are :rotfl:.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

I opened my mouth and words came out

Saying what I think is not hard for me. I have the opposite problem. which is alsoreal, sometimes you need to stop wondering how you think and feel and just experience:) and decide to review later.

Otoh, it's never let me down, Communicating. The only time I fought my instinct was when I ended up in dodgy relationship, for which I take some responsibility.


I think it also helps that I had not always been in monogamous relationships ( this was by mutual consent) and for these to work clear, honest communication and revision of how one feels is important.


DH found my bald communication very funny, but liked that I don't play games with it, not seriously. Nor do I harp on, becUse if you are Both open and honest then you have the answers you need. I find if I feel I need to ask about something again then something is unsatisfied, so I say..' You know, I'm trying not to go on about this but I find x is playing on my I mind so I'd like to address it'

Sometimes the only honest answer is

'I don't know yet'. Which one has to accept and then how I work is I say ok, when you have an answer please let me know, other wise, let's re visit this when, September?' And we agree a time to raise the issue again.

With DH, it was a case for example that he wanted a monogamous relationship and we were moving very quickly but he had not had a ltr before. I am also mindful of hormone involvement . I was honest and said, 'ok, I like this, lets do it, but i won't commit to anything inextricable before a year, and Expect to review annually where we are and have some sort of commitment within x time' I didn't expect to get ill and stuff. He understood I meant it though. We were both expecting to making considerable lifestyle adjustments for each other, but not to the extent we have ended up making for my health!


Tay, the reason I harp on about hormones is partly because its honest, whatever we genuinely feel, we also experience a biochemical reaction which clouds our judgement, Being honest with myself about this helps me make sound decisions. Honesty with myself is foremost because I can only be honest with Foundinrates if I am honest with myself to know what I am thinking and feeling. That's why often the answer is 'dunno' or ' I don't mind'. Sometimes the discussion goes ' you know when I said x , well, I think I got that wrong could we talk about trying x2 or maybe even y instead?'.

Thank you, that all makes a lot of sense. I try my best to be open and honest, I always think that it's for the best. I don't like game playing, and I'm not cut out for it anyway.

tayforth

duchy wrote: »

Awww
Thing is that if he was genuinely everything you thought he was-even if he had backed off because it was too intense or decided it wasn't what he wanted he'd have had the decency not to just leave you hanging without explanation so you are mourning your loss of your dream of what you hoped he was - not your loss of him.......and it's fine to mourn and then move on

Thank you, those are wise words. I suppose I am mourning who I thought he was, and I need to come to terms with how he has behaved in the last 2.5 weeks, and deal with that.

lostinrates wrote: »

But then you wouldn't learn what ever you will learn from this and be the new and improved tayforth.

Its funny, people talk about 'damage' or rubbish of relationships, But really where they go wrong, whether they are mended or not, is often opportunity for personal development and growth.

I'm not sure what I've learned yet, if anything.

If there are lessons to be learned, then I hope that they will become clear, and that they'll be worth all this pain.

It's a real physical pain in my heart. I actually feel weakened by it. I have no appetite at all, I'm eating but only because I have to.

tayforth

Rux wrote: »

Perhaps it's better that it happened now and not one year (or five) into the relationship? (That's what I tell myself)

Yes, of course you're right.

tea_lover wrote: »

I really hope not to, and chances are he isn't. I just have an in-built twonk attractor.

When I was about 18 I met a great guy, we got on so well, he said all the right things. After a couple of months he went very quiet, no contact for a week or so (this was in the days before texts/emails etc) but he'd been a regular caller/visitor up till then.

Finally heard back from him after a fortnight of silence - he'd been on his honeymoon!!! :eek::eek: Not only that, he also thought we'd be fine to carry on as we were before he got married.

Oh, and to make it clear I had no idea at all that he was engaged or I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

But I have every faith in you that you're a better judge of character than I am... most people are :rotfl:.

Oh my goodness. I can't believe that anyone would do that.

As for my judgment, I don't trust it at all right now.

FBaby

What you need to be careful with us that he isn't dealing with another business (old girlfriend back in his life) but keeping you on the side in case that doesn't work ie. You being second best and toy wouldn't know any of it if he certainly came back to you pretending nothing happened.

Sometime going quiet is that, putting on hold just in case. I personally think you deserve explanation.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you, those are wise words. I suppose I am mourning who I thought he was, and I need to come to terms with how he has behaved in the last 2.5 weeks, and deal with that.




I'm not sure what I've learned yet, if anything.

If there are lessons to be learned, then I hope that they will become clear, and that they'll be worth all this pain.

It's a real physical pain in my heart. I actually feel weakened by it. I have no appetite at all, I'm eating but only because I have to.

I wonder if the following might be things you can draw on for experience from this.

1. Communication is really important to you, texts aren't very reliable or satisfactory replacement for voice to VCR or face to face
2. Words are pretty decoration , but actions to back them up are beautiful, structural elements of a relationship
3. Rome was not built in a day, and neither can a deep meaning ful relationship be developed quickly. Quick builds are impressive, fancy marquees, And can mature into enduring ones with time, or they can come down quickly. Love is the same, it CAN come quickly! I believe it, but the depth of a relationship needs time.
4. How can you better balance open and honest and self preservation next time? Its NORMAL for it to hurt now, But if this lasts a long time, after this relationship i think it might be you are giving too much and not getting enough back. You are not vermin or a bird that can live from crumbs.
5. Wonderfully, you heal well after a big wound and have great capacity for love. This is a wonderful thing to know about yourself.

spirit

lostinrates wrote: »

But then you wouldn't learn what ever you will learn from this and be the new and improved tayforth.



Its funny, people talk about 'damage' or rubbish of relationships, But really where they go wrong, whether they are mended or not, is often opportunity for personal development and growth.

and also that I believe that everyone we come into contact with is there to teach us something (about ourselves normally).

spirit

lostinrates wrote: »

I wonder if the following might be things you can draw on for experience from this.

4. How can you better balance open and honest and self preservation next time? Its NORMAL for it to hurt now, But if this lasts a long time, after this relationship i think it might be you are giving too much and not getting enough back. You are not vermin or a bird that can live from crumbs.
5. Wonderfully, you heal well after a big wound and have great capacity for love. This is a wonderful thing to know about yourself.

the BIB, i can heartily recommend this book on the subject.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

What you need to be careful with us that he isn't dealing with another business (old girlfriend back in his life) but keeping you on the side in case that doesn't work ie. You being second best and toy wouldn't know any of it if he certainly came back to you pretending nothing happened.

Sometime going quiet is that, putting on hold just in case. I personally think you deserve explanation.

Thanks, FBaby. I know, it's possible that that's the case (I've been through dozens of possible explanations in my mind, and that's one of the most painful ).

I will be wary if he contacts me again, though I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that he won't.

lostinrates wrote: »

I wonder if the following might be things you can draw on for experience from this.

1. Communication is really important to you, texts aren't very reliable or satisfactory replacement for voice to VCR or face to face
2. Words are pretty decoration , but actions to back them up are beautiful, structural elements of a relationship
3. Rome was not built in a day, and neither can a deep meaning ful relationship be developed quickly. Quick builds are impressive, fancy marquees, And can mature into enduring ones with time, or they can come down quickly. Love is the same, it CAN come quickly! I believe it, but the depth of a relationship needs time.
4. How can you better balance open and honest and self preservation next time? Its NORMAL for it to hurt now, But if this lasts a long time, after this relationship i think it might be you are giving too much and not getting enough back. You are not vermin or a bird that can live from crumbs.
5. Wonderfully, you heal well after a big wound and have great capacity for love. This is a wonderful thing to know about yourself.

LIR, you are such a wise person, thank you for this.

1. Yes, I place a lot of importance on communication. It's one of the most vital things in a relationship.

2. True. Words are cheap. Much as it hurts to think that he may not have meant all the things he said. It's better to judge others by their actions.

3. Also true. I have never fallen for anyone so quickly. I tried to take things slowly, but I couldn't help falling for him. I really thought that we were meant to be, and that made it feel right.

4. This is the most difficult one of all. At the start, his actions matched his words - he was completely lovely to me, made so much effort, nothing was too much trouble. But in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've been giving too much and getting very little back.

5. Thank you. I hope that I will be capable of healing after this. I feel so raw and fragile right now, I've cried several times a day.