Heartbroken - just need to talk

tea_lover

I think your last text makes it clear that you're expecting some sort of reply. Personally I wouldn't contact him again after that - but fully understand the temptation to!

Izadora

tayforth wrote: »

How did he behave when you were first together?

It's slightly different because we work together, so I never go long periods of time without seeing him, but he's normally quite chatty throughout the day, we go for ciggy breaks together etc. so it tended to worry me if we didn't speak all day, he was fairly curt if we did speak and he was taking breaks on his own without swinging by my desk first. Sometimes it was nothing more than he was really busy and needed to shut himself off from distractions and another time it was that he was worried about his sister but didn't feel it was fair to unload on me. Because he knew that his feelings for me hadn't changed he didn't realise that I was sending myself slightly mental trying to work out what I'd done wrong...

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

A few weeks in, he told me that he loved me.

This stood out for me Tay. Those that fall in love quickly often fall out of love even quicker. I honestly think that for this guy his connection to you came down to lust. I am very sorry if my honest perspective here causes you upset.

I think you should apply some wise caution now and think very carefully, about whether you wish to stay involved with someone so fickle, and who appears able to disregard your feelings so easily. Hun love isn't love until you get to know someone inside out. That takes years not a matter of weeks.

Sending you a hug and hoping you will be okay

tayforth

Robinette wrote: »

Many years ago, when I was in exactly the same situation as you, a friend sent me an article entitled How to interpret mixed messages without going nuts!!!!!!

The bit that really stood out for me was:

It is difficult to accept sometimes that we can't know everything we want to know. You have to work with what you do know, based on your own intuitive sense of what is right. Trusting this isn't always easy, as we constantly seek validation outside of ourselves. When faced with mixed messages, the best thing you can do is work to maintain your own internal clarity and honesty. If you can say to yourself: "I am being as honest, open and direct as I can be", then after that all you can do is relax Often what fuels unhealthy communication is when two people are playing the same game. If you try your best to be clear and honest then eventually the true picture will naturally emerge.


I would contact him again, ask him what is going on and explain how you are feeling; be true to yourself. If he feels unable to speak to you or to explain in a text, suggest that he emails you.


Good luck and remember that everything will work out in the end, although often not in the way we expect.

When faced with mixed messages, the best thing you can do is work to maintain your own internal clarity and honesty. If you can say to yourself: "I am being as honest, open and direct as I can be"

I can put my hand on my heart and say that I have been completely open and honest, and have not played any games.

Thank you for this, it makes a lot of sense xx

aileth wrote: »

What sort of accident did he have? I might have missed it!

A car accident. I posted about it in a thread about concussion and how it may change someone's behaviour temporarily.

ETA: here it is: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4910524

Izadora wrote: »

It's slightly different because we work together, so I never go long periods of time without seeing him, but he's normally quite chatty throughout the day, we go for ciggy breaks together etc. so it tended to worry me if we didn't speak all day, he was fairly curt if we did speak and he was taking breaks on his own without swinging by my desk first. Sometimes it was nothing more than he was really busy and needed to shut himself off from distractions and another time it was that he was worried about his sister but didn't feel it was fair to unload on me. Because he knew that his feelings for me hadn't changed he didn't realise that I was sending myself slightly mental trying to work out what I'd done wrong...

I can see how that would have been confusing and hurtful for you. I'm glad that everything was ok after all.

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Well you've left the door open for him to get back to you and he hasn't. Personally, i wouldn't text again but your not me.


Do what you think is right.

tea_lover wrote: »

I think your last text makes it clear that you're expecting some sort of reply. Personally I wouldn't contact him again after that - but fully understand the temptation to!

My instinct is to leave it, and not make a fool of myself (or be seen as pushy) by texting again. Maybe I need to accept that I'm not going to get an answer, and graciously let go.

On the other hand, it's so hard not knowing what's going on. I can hardly think of anything else, and I'm questioning myself - 'what did I do?' etc

System

When faced with mixed messages, the best thing you can do is work to maintain your own internal clarity and honesty. If you can say to yourself: "I am being as honest, open and direct as I can be"

Fantastic piece of advice.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

This stood out for me Tay. Those that fall in love quickly often fall out of love even quicker. I honestly think that for this guy his connection to you came down to lust. I am very sorry if my honest perspective here causes you upset.

I think you should apply some wise caution now and think very carefully, about whether you wish to stay involved with someone so fickle, and who appears able to disregard your feelings so easily. Hun love isn't love until you get to know someone inside out. That takes years not a matter of weeks.

Sending you a hug and hoping you will be okay

Thanks marisco. I admit, the thought of him falling out of love with me makes me feel utterly devastated. I know we hadn't known each other that long, but I love him.

I know that you're saying this as a friend and it's not intended to hurt me xx

aileth

I think that text is absolutely fantastic and couldn't send a clearer message. You've put the ball firmly in his court and I think any further messages from you would be unwise.

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

I think that text is absolutely fantastic and couldn't send a clearer message. You've put the ball firmly in his court and I think any further messages from you would be unwise.

Thanks aileth. I think you're right. Hard as it is to think that I might not hear from him again, I can't really do any more.

Judi wrote: »

to be honest and i don't wish to hurt you any more than you are already..... You cant just love someone and switch your feelings off just like that.... believe me, ive tried..... unless you've treated him bad of course, which you haven't and even then your left with a sort of grieving process which takes ages to get over.

Thanks Judi. And no, I've never treated him badly, or let him down, or said a bad word to him. Which is why this whole thing is so inexplicable.

FBaby

This is a very uncomfortable situation. It happened to me some years back, met this guy on the internet and the sparkle was there right away. We went on a few dates (was limited in my availability due to the children and few people to help with babysitting), but talked a lot on the phone. We were very open about each other and I felt we were starting something special. As my feelings grew for him, I started to feel a bit anxious that something wrong was bound to happen, but force myself to quick the bad thoughts away.

Then after about 3 months, we had one date, but things were not right, although nothing obvious I could point out. He just didn't seem as excited about meeting up and seemed a bit distracted although he was still very affectionate and the electricity was still in the air. He told me that he was away camping with his kids for a week but when he was back, he would love for us to go away for a couple of days. I left thinking my vibes were out of tune and felt very excited at the prospect, counted the days etc... I was a bit disappointed that I got no texts whilst he was away, but respected all his attention was with his kids. Except that I didn't hear anything when he came back, or the day after or after and I started to wonder what was going on. After more than a week, I wrote him a quick deep email, but still head nothing. It's not until 2 weeks later (by which time I was only starting to feel a bit better after shedding all my tears) that he wrote back, apologised, but confessed that his ex had emailed him whilst on holiday to say that she had met someone and didn't want him to be in touch with her ever again. It supposedly made him realised how much he cared and loved her and couldn't consider a relationship with someone else, even though he recognised that things were going well between us. He said that he wouldn't be able to give the attention I deserved and that was it. His message was very cold and that made it very painful to read.

The most frustrating part was that I had almost not gone to our first meeting as I had found him a bit too much before we met, calling me every day and I wasn't sure I would like him. I went because I didn't want to be rude

It hurt a lot and felt anxious meeting more people on line, until I got a message from the man who was to become my husband. Like the last time, we got along great on the phone, but I again almost didn't go to the meeting because I didn't like his picture and was worried I would be disappointed. As it was, I found him very attractive and immediately felt I wanted to take things foward. Thankfully so did he and things happened extremely quickly. 2 weeks later we were intimate (but somehow it felt totally right), 4 weeks later we exchanged the 'I love you' and 6 weeks later, we were away on a 4 days holiday. Agreed to move in together another 2 months later, and 4 1/2 years later, we happily wedded.

Keep strong and don't lose heart yet. It is not yet over, there could be very good explanations for his behaviour but if not, then don't give up on finding love again, he wasn't you one and only chance.