what's 'normal'

Seanymph

My husband (of a year or so) suffered a head injury last year in August. He suffered a concussion. That sounds so minimal, but we went to A & E because he'd lost vision and was appearing 'drunk'. They scanned him - no physical injury, I got given a leaflet and we were sent home.

The vision returned (the GP referred us for checks, no eye damage, no stroke) but he had lost his memory, had trouble making associations, couldn't remember tasks.......... he went back to work after a month and I don't think should have been there.

He definitely suffered from it - I won't list it all, but head injuries were new to me, and it was awful.

Well, I still think his executive function is not as good. He is very literal - his impulse control seems to have 'shifted'.

But, 7 months on, I am losing track of what's 'normal' - or what WAS normal for him. I question myself all the time.

Onto the body of my question.

He went to our house in france, alone, 9 days ago. I was worried about him going - but he wanted to go - he thinks he is 'fine' but then he's thought that even when he couldn't remember my name.

He called me on day 2, panicking - he'd dropped his mobile and broken it. So he'd gone to the home of the estate agent who sold us the house, banged on their door on the Sunday morning, and called me from their home phone.

I reassured him not to worry about me - to enjoy his holiday - I was fine.......... I calmed him down.

I now haven't heard from him since last Sunday. He is due home today.

I am caught between

'He really couldn't care less about me'

and

'Blimey, if he can take 'don't worry about me' to mean 'don't give me a second thought for a week' then he needs some sort of assessment'.

So, can that possibly be anyones 'normality' - not to phone or contact their wife for a week when they are away?

Or must it be down to the injury?

Person_one

He needs to go to the GP, with you along to describe the symptoms and concerns that he can't.

indsty

I think you really need to discuss your fears with a professional. Have you been to your GP to ask their advice, or contact Headway which is a charity helping those who have suffered, or are caring for someone after a head injury. Don't worry that your husband's injury did not seem as serious as some - the effects do seem to have been considerable.
When you are dealing with this every day I can fully understand how it must be overwhelming at times.

Seanymph

I have spoken with Headway several times, they are awesome.

We haven't visited his GP since he got 'signed off' about last October - he keeps insisting he's 'fine' and won't go - and I doubt myself, because you live in it you lose the 'normality' because it becomes your normality - if that makes sense.

Obviously he could be a thoughtless arrse. Certainly he was crap on my birthday last year and didn't get me a gift, that was before the bang on the head! But this is just so out there I am struggling to believe anyone would think that was reasonable.

So, a straw poll - if anyone thinks it is reasonable then he's arseness IS a possibility.

But if no one else in the world could consider that 'normal' behaviour in a husband then I'll look to the injury for his literalness or lack of thought.

Georgiegirl256

For someone not to contact their spouse/partner for a week (unless agreed otherwise) IMO isn't normal. You usually phone to check how they are, to let them know you're ok, surely he must know you'd be worried sick about him? Or maybe he doesn't think like that, and it is part of the head injury.

What was he like before it? Would he usually phone in situations like this or not?

Goldiegirl

If his behaviour was normal for him before his accident, then he's behaving normally.

But if he was different before his accident, then it's not normal.

Seanymph

He could be inconsiderate of course - he's a man (see the birthday note above - no bloody present!).

But I have never, under any circumstances, gone more than 24 hours without contact from him since the day we met.

marisco_2

When your husband lost his phone he had the presence of mind to make sure that he contacted you. Keeping you in the loop as to what had happened and that he was okay. That he then took your suggestion of 'not to worry and get on with enjoying his holiday' literally, is really only concerning if this is completely out of character for him. That on its own wouldn't suggest to me that he has a problem, or that he couldn't care less about you. Maybe he reasoned that all was well and that you wanted him to relax and unwind, safe in the knowledge he was okay. When he returns have a chat with him about the issues that are worrying you. Hear his side of things and if neither of you feel totally reassured that all is okay, then gently suggest to him that he arranges to talk it all over with his gp.

daisiegg

But if he doesn't have a mobile,and you know that, and he made an effort to get in touch with you to tell you that, I am not sure why you are surprised at not hearing from him? Or would you be expecting him to use the estate agent's phone again to contact you? How easy/straightforward would it be for him to do that?

If he had a phone or an easy way of being I touch and still was not contacting you, maybe I would be annoyed/worried. But he has told you his phone is broken.

RedBern

I would urge you to go back to the GP with your husband and get him referred for further investigations. As someone who had a head injury some years ago, I would suggest that your husband has no concept of how unusual his behaviour may be appearing to others. I know I'm not the same as I was before my injury, and my OH says I changed but we adapted to those changes, and I can't remember what I was like before.

I used to write everything down or else I'd forget it, so if I was out shopping I'd just wander aimlessly around and return home with nothing. In fact, the first time I was allowed out on my own which was about 6 months after my accident I left my son, then aged about 7 months, asleep in the back of the car:eek: and wandered to the newsagents. I was kept on a tighter leash after that! It has taken me years of retraining my brain to retain infomation.

There are tests that they can carry out which will show any damage, please encourage him to get help, (and Headway are brilliant) but you need medical help. Good luck.

victory

Seanymph wrote: »

He could be inconsiderate of course - he's a man (see the birthday note above - no bloody present!).

But I have never, under any circumstances, gone more than 24 hours without contact from him since the day we met.

But he doesn't have a mobile phone so how can he contact you? He did manage to let you know he had no phone, to keep you informed and from then on he was at peace he had let you know, so as far as he is concerned he has done right, if he gets home now and you shout at him about it, it will end up confusing him even more as as far as he is aware he did the right thing...