Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Gavin83 wrote: »

I assume he's one of them guys who says or does anything it takes in order to have sex with a woman and then once it happens they move on. Typically known as a user. Really not a nice way to treat people but I guess it happens.

Tayforth, I'm sure you'll meet someone more appropriate soon, you seem like a lovely girl on here and I'm sure you come across the same in person. Keep your chin up and try not to let it bother you too much.

Where do you live in the country? Are there opportunities to meet people in your area?

Judi wrote: »

Or says what it takes. Thankfully ive been spared all that.

Thankfully, we hadn't slept together. I would probably feel 100 times worse if we had. I already feel that my trust has been betrayed. I'm thankful that things hadn't gone too far, it would have been devastating if we'd done something so intimate and then he'd behaved in this way.

Gavin83 - I can't say where I live (I don't want my ex-H to identify me from my other thread). I suppose there are opportunities to meet people, but most of my friends are coupled up and don't go out much any more.

In any case, I'm so hurt, I think a break from men would be a good idea. Can't imagine meeting anyone else the way I feel right now.

NinjaSavingKat wrote: »

Any chance he is "might" be married?

I don't know. We spent a lot of weekends time together, so I'm assuming that he isn't.

tayforth

double_mummy wrote: »

tay

think about how far you have come you opened yourself up to someone again and i know it must feel terrible for that to have not worked out but this is a good thing - you went for it you put everything else behind you and took a risk on someone new - the fact that you are able to do this means that it will get better

dont let a man be your validation you are a strong amazing inspirational woman who has helped so many others including ones that you dont even know about

cry because it didnt work out then smile because you took a chance and put yourself out there then get that head back up and you will find someone who is just as amazing as yourself

you gotta kiss a whole lot of frogs before you find a prince

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for the kind words, double mummy. I know that happiness comes from within, really I do. I just need to find mine again xx

candlelight_2013 wrote: »

Oh Tay, I am so sorry. I followed your other thread, but I don't think I commented. I was amazed at how strong you were and how you had blossomed.

You were very brave to enter into another relationship, and you were happy, we could tell from your posts.

This might or might not be the end of this particularly relationship, but you entered it with joy in your heart and you have known happiness. You can cope with this, you know you can, but I know you must be hurting. I think you need to know for sure, and if it is over have a good cry and move on. You are your own person now, you don't have to do anything you don't want to and if it is over then it wasn't meant to be.

Hold you head up and as doublemummy says, "kiss a few more frogs" and your prince will be waiting for you.

Lots of hugs
Candlelightx

Thanks for that, I don't feel very brave at the minute. I want to know where I stand, whatever the truth is, but at the same time I'm afraid.

susieq87 wrote: »

i have also been following your thread and your bravery and strength inspired me. it might not seem like it now but i believe that some people are put into our lives for a certain period just to show us that we can be happy, trust or that we can love again. that fire or spirit that we feel had died will still be there and thats what they are there for to show us that.

i know it sucks but know that everything will turn out for the best whether its with this guy or someone else.

Thank you, I'm very touched to have inspired you xx

aileth

Tay, so sorry to hear this.

These sort of situations are worse than if he'd just bluntly came out and said he doesn't want to see you anymore. At least then you know where you stand.

I suppose there could be lots of reasons, hidden family, new woman who's popped up, or perhaps could be something like a bereavement? People react to it in very different ways, and maybe it could be an ex-wife or girlfriend that has died and so he feels a bit odd in telling you, so is acting really off.

I suppose the only way you can really find out what is going on is by asking him, but that is going to take some real strength. Ramp yourself up to it. It could be a bereavement as I've said, something more omnious, or perhaps he's going through a sh*tty time with work or life in general and he reacts poorly to it and lets it affect other aspects of his life. I know with my husband when he has a terrible time at work he's really cold and off at home, but I know it's nothing to do with me he's just being a grumpy sod and can't deal with it properly.

That might explain why he didn't turn up to meet you and came up with an excuse. Maybe he just didn't feel like leaving the house because he's really down, and felt embarrassed telling you?

System

Hopefully he's just retreated into his 'cave'. I hope so.

tayforth

trix-a-belle wrote: »

Sweetie dry your eyes, you deserve better.
I could have written almost a carbon copy of that 2 years ago.
Less than 2 years later the guy I was seeing is married to someone else so I'm glad I avoided that head case (he had come out of a long term relationship including house ourchase a few months before dating me).

Concentrate on you & when you are ready you will come out the other side, you have such a strong foundation after everything you have been through this is just a little blip in the road
((*hugs*))

I'm sorry that you went through a similar thing, and so glad that you now see that you had a lucky escape. I hope that I will feel the same in time. How are you now? Did it take long to get over it?

LutonGirl wrote: »

Tayforth, I could have written that post a few years back. I feel your pain, I really do. The length of the relationship has no bearing on the huge amount of upset you feel - you're already grieving for what you might have had with this person. Like you my marriage had run its course and I was glad to get shot of him, but this new relationship (quite a long time after my husband) was so full of promise and seemed perfect. Too perfect I now know.

In my case, he quickly became cold and hard work to deal with so after yet another lonely weekend waiting on a call or a text, anything, I called his bluff and walked away, head held high despite all my instincts telling me to hang on. Not long after I met someone else and we're still together enjoying every single day.

Chalked it up to being a "summer fling" and have good memories, but like a holiday romance, they don't always last. Hindsight showed me that my perfect guy actually bore all the hallmarks of a sociopath. I think I had a lucky escape, but at the time it hurt like hell.

Enjoy what you've had and stay strong. Your Mr Right may be just around the corner. x

How did you break up with him?

I know that I should probably bring it to a proper conclusion... at the moment I do feel like I'm in limbo and can't start to move on. But he didn't answer my last text (24 hours ago, and yes it was the kind of text that needed a response), so I don't feel that I can contact him again unless he contacts me.

Izadora wrote: »

Everything double mummy said.

There's no magic answer for how you'll get through the next few days/weeks but just remember that you will and it will get better. You've made it through a lot worse and come out the other side so much stronger.

It may be that he's got stuff going on and doesn't realise how much he's pulling away from you or it may be that he wants to end it. If it is the case that it's over then cry/scream/rant do whatever you need to and try not to dwell on why?/could I have done something different? - if he can't see how great you are then that's his problem.

Thank you, that's very kind. It's really hard not knowing what the truth is. I haven't seen him since the accident 3 weeks ago, and he's had (on the surface) good reasons for it, but I can't help feeling that he's just avoiding me. Yet I'm in an impossible situation - feel sorry for him as he's been through a lot, or annoyed that he might be trying to break up with me and is too cowardly to actually do it?

I even offered him the chance to break up. I asked him last week whether he still wanted to be with me, and said that if he didn't, it was ok and he could tell me and I'd deal with it.

He said that of course he wanted to be with me, he loved me etc etc. Why say that if he doesn't mean it? If he wanted out, that was his golden chance.

And if he does love me, why isn't he acting like it??

aileth

I know it's not the same situation, but my sister went through a really strange time where everyone ignored her at work, she never got invited out to socials, no one responded to her texts, it was if she had been totally blanked.

She snapped and asked one of them what the heck was going on, and her colleague told her that her ex-fiancee had killed himself. Her work mates were all friends with him, and felt super awkward telling her because she was the ex.

My sister thought she had done something and set the whole office against her, when in fact no one knew whether they should tell her and instead went into lockdown mode.

As I said above, there might be a chance he could be dealing with something similar? Very tough situation, but it's the only comparison I can think of to draw.

tayforth

DigForVictory wrote: »

Tay!
Oh drattit to heck & gone. If I could ply you with icecream til you had a migraine, I would. Alas, the blighter appears to have been a sometime thing rather than a more durable one - his loss unless he can recover in your good graces.

Of course it hurts right now. Lots. Can I reassure you that next week it probably won't hurt quite so much? And warn you of rebounds, alcohol & thoughtless "you'll get over it" comments. You are allowed to hurt, so stick with friends who you trust for a bit.

But then be ready to try again. There are frogs, and there are a lot of possible friends who turn out to be exactly that & some who are even more.

But for today, yes, it hurts. You get through it on stubborness, regular meals, exercise, sticking at the job & the mundane stuff like scrubbing the bathroom & putting away laundry.

Big hugs & virtual icecream!

Thanks for the virtual hugs and ice cream, DigForVictory. I wish that I could fast forward to next week and be less hurt.

I do have some good friends whom I trust, and they've been lovely, but I can tell that they're thinking that we were only together for 5 minutes so I shouldn't be moping about it.

duchy wrote: »

Either he jumped in too fast and is panicking or he's one of those guys who loves the excitement of early days but isn't a long-hauler .....or there's something else going on in his life. All of those things though are no reflection on you - and even if it is one of the nicer reasons-it will be right person - wrong time.

Yes your heart will heal -and you'll move forward -it just takes time- painful to go through but you will come through - a little sadder , alittle wiser and even stronger. Ready for the next part of the adventure ! (and another frog closer to your prince )

I wish that it was just something else going on in his life, something that we could get through. But I have no way of knowing. Thank you xx

teawithmilk wrote: »

Oh Tay, Im so sorry. 2/3 months is an awful length of time as you must have started to trust him and open up after your horrible year.

I cant really say anything to make you feel better, Im rubbish at that type of thing, but please have a hug!

(((Tayforth)))

Thanks TWM. I had really opened up to him. He was so open, and straightforward, that I trusted him and felt secure about his feelings towards me.

Has your date called to rearrange? xx

teawithmilk

Tayforth, you are just too lovely, trust you to be thinking/caring about someone else's problems when you have enough to worry about yourself!

Yes I have been in touch with my date who cancelled (he texted me) and we might be rearranging it for this weekend.

But I'm like you, it will take a long time to open up to someone.

Why does life have to be so complex??

I would say though, you HAVE to clear the air with him once and for all.

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

Tayforth, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like this - hugs :A

However, I read a post you put on someone else's thread about the effects of head injury and that he'd been acting strangely since then?

Do you think this is related? I can't believe someone could blow hot and cold so soon.

TBH, I've been holding onto this possibility for the last couple of weeks, hoping that it was the case. And it is possible. But how to know unless I see him?

My friend has suggested that he made the whole thing up (the accident, the concussion) to get sympathy and gradually disentangle himself from me without looking like the bad guy. That just seems too cruel and unbelievable.

mgdavid wrote: »

dump him.
You are worth better.
Much better.

Thank you xx

susieq87 wrote: »

i think you need to talk to him and find out because theres no point in feeling like this then just as you are getting better you break up and feel this again. find out whats going on, get out of limbo and know that you're on a definite path to getting over him.

I suppose so. But I can't force him to talk to me. If he won't answer a call or a text, we can't talk xx

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Hopefully he's just retreated into his 'cave'. I hope so.

Do some men do this, Judi? I've never really come across one xx

aileth wrote: »

Tay, so sorry to hear this.

These sort of situations are worse than if he'd just bluntly came out and said he doesn't want to see you anymore. At least then you know where you stand.

I suppose there could be lots of reasons, hidden family, new woman who's popped up, or perhaps could be something like a bereavement? People react to it in very different ways, and maybe it could be an ex-wife or girlfriend that has died and so he feels a bit odd in telling you, so is acting really off.

I suppose the only way you can really find out what is going on is by asking him, but that is going to take some real strength. Ramp yourself up to it. It could be a bereavement as I've said, something more omnious, or perhaps he's going through a sh*tty time with work or life in general and he reacts poorly to it and lets it affect other aspects of his life. I know with my husband when he has a terrible time at work he's really cold and off at home, but I know it's nothing to do with me he's just being a grumpy sod and can't deal with it properly.

That might explain why he didn't turn up to meet you and came up with an excuse. Maybe he just didn't feel like leaving the house because he's really down, and felt embarrassed telling you?

I know, it could be anything really.

If it is after-effects from the accident, I would be sympathetic and supportive. But I'm realistic enough to know that he might have met someone else, painful as that thought is.

I'm torn between (1) asking what's really going on, and (2) maintaining a dignified silence following my last text - letting him go, or come back to me if he wants to.

aileth wrote: »

I know it's not the same situation, but my sister went through a really strange time where everyone ignored her at work, she never got invited out to socials, no one responded to her texts, it was if she had been totally blanked.

She snapped and asked one of them what the heck was going on, and her colleague told her that her ex-fiancee had killed himself. Her work mates were all friends with him, and felt super awkward telling her because she was the ex.

My sister thought she had done something and set the whole office against her, when in fact no one knew whether they should tell her and instead went into lockdown mode.

As I said above, there might be a chance he could be dealing with something similar? Very tough situation, but it's the only comparison I can think of to draw.

Thank you for sharing that story. Just goes to show, you never know what's really going on with someone.