Heartbroken - just need to talk

aileth

tayforth wrote: »

I'm torn between asking what's really going on, and maintaining a dignified silence following my last text - and letting him go, or come back to me if he wants to.

I suppose there's three possible outcomes.

First, he's flounced off with someone else and responds in kind, very upsetting and hurtful. I find this unlikely though if he confirmed he wants to remain in a relationship with you.

Second, he is going through something but still doesn't tell you. Limbo remains.

Third, he is going through something and lets you know and has been dying for you to ask him. I have a lot of experience with this as this is exactly what my husband is like. He will never, ever ask for help or support, will act very down and out until you ask him and the floodgates open. He always knows I am supportive and will help him through anything, but it still doesn't change how he reacts to it and he still never brings it to me first.

He might really be wishing you'd ask, maybe he's embarrassed to approach you first, maybe he has had bad experiences with relationships in the past who haven't been supportive through whatever it is if it's happened before. It might be something really simple and you think he's silly for acting that way in your head, I know I've thought that more than once, but if you simply leave it at the last text and let him go or come back, chances are he might go when he really doesn't want to!!

his_missus

You need to send him a text explaining that his actions are hurting you and that you want to know where the relationship is going, if anywhere. Tell him you're prepared to listen/help him if there is something troubling you because the relationship is important to you.

You need to know where you stand so you can move on or work things out.

My now Hubby split up with me and behaved similarly after we'd been together 3 months. We got back together after a few weeks but he didn't explain himself until 6 months later - he was in a lot of debt and, whilst he wanted to be in a serious relationship, didn't want to drag me into his problems so thought it was best to keep me at a distant.

I'm not saying you'll have the same happy ending, there maybe a happy ending for you or he may not be the one, but you do need answers from him to get you out of this limbo that is clearly upsetting you.
Take care xx

System

I'm torn between asking what's really going on, and maintaining a dignified silence following my last text - and letting him go, or come back to me if he wants to.

Well i spose it depends on what the last text you sent him said. If theres a chance you would be repeating yourself again, I'd leave it.

Izadora

Judi wrote: »

Hopefully he's just retreated into his 'cave'. I hope so.

tayforth wrote: »

Do some men do this, Judi? I've never really come across one xx

Obviously I can't have any idea what's happening with your guy but I know it's something my boyfriend does. If he's dealing with something he doesn't particularly want to talk about he'll be really withdrawn and distant. It's not so bad now (he knows to give me a, sometimes rather terse, "bad day" so that I know it's nothing I've done) but I had many an evening winding myself up and convinced he was about to dump me when we were first together.

tayforth

teawithmilk wrote: »

Tayforth, you are just too lovely, trust you to be thinking/caring about someone else's problems when you have enough to worry about yourself!

Yes I have been in touch with my date who cancelled (he texted me) and we might be rearranging it for this weekend.

But I'm like you, it will take a long time to open up to someone.

Why does life have to be so complex??

I would say though, you HAVE to clear the air with him once and for all.

I'm glad that your date has been in touch. Good luck this weekend if it goes ahead.

I would love to clear the air. But I'm not sure whether I'll get the chance.

aileth wrote: »

I suppose there's three possible outcomes.

First, he's flounced off with someone else and responds in kind, very upsetting and hurtful. I find this unlikely though if he confirmed he wants to remain in a relationship with you.

Second, he is going through something but still doesn't tell you. Limbo remains.

Third, he is going through something and lets you know and has been dying for you to ask him. I have a lot of experience with this as this is exactly what my husband is like. He will never, ever ask for help or support, will act very down and out until you ask him and the floodgates open. He always knows I am supportive and will help him through anything, but it still doesn't change how he reacts to it and he still never brings it to me first.

He might really be wishing you'd ask, maybe he's embarrassed to approach you first, maybe he has had bad experiences with relationships in the past who haven't been supportive through whatever it is if it's happened before. It might be something really simple and you think he's silly for acting that way in your head, I know I've thought that more than once, but if you simply leave it at the last text and let him go or come back, chances are he might go when he really doesn't want to!!

I so want it to be the third one.

Ths behaviour is new and has started since the accident.

But the bottom line is: if I'm communicating and he's not, then he doesn't want to, for whatever reason. I can gently try to let him know that I'm here if he needs to talk, but I can't be too pushy.

his_missus wrote: »

You need to send him a text explaining that his actions are hurting you and that you want to know where the relationship is going, if anywhere. Tell him you're prepared to listen/help him if there is something troubling you because the relationship is important to you.

You need to know where you stand so you can move on or work things out.

My now Hubby split up with me and behaved similarly after we'd been together 3 months. We got back together after a few weeks but he didn't explain himself until 6 months later - he was in a lot of debt and, whilst he wanted to be in a serious relationship, didn't want to drag me into his problems so thought it was best to keep me at a distant.

I'm not saying you'll have the same happy ending, there maybe a happy ending for you or he may not be the one, but you do need answers from him to get you out of this limbo that is clearly upsetting you.
Take care xx

Thanks for sharing this. I don't want to have false hope, but I suppose that anything is possible.

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Well i spose it depends on what the last text you sent him said. If theres a chance you would be repeating yourself again, I'd leave it.

It said (in a nutshell):

"I know you're going through a lot at the minute (post-accident), you have my support if you need it, but right now I don't know what to do or where I stand. All I ask is that you communicate with me and talk to me."

Thoughts??

Izadora wrote: »

Obviously I can't have any idea what's happening with your guy but I know it's something my boyfriend does. If he's dealing with something he doesn't particularly want to talk about he'll be really withdrawn and distant. It's not so bad now (he knows to give me a, sometimes rather terse, "bad day" so that I know it's nothing I've done) but I had many an evening winding myself up and convinced he was about to dump me when we were first together.

How did he behave when you were first together?

System

Originally Posted by tayforth
Do some men do this, Judi? I've never really come across one xx

I'm not the best person to ask as i don't have much experience with men other than my sons and husband but yes, they retreat at times. The books 'Men are from Mars Women are from Venus' were helpful to me a few years back when my husband and i had had a few 'issues' to get through.

http://richard-drobnick.com/articles-library/what-men-wished-short-version/

Robinette

Many years ago, when I was in exactly the same situation as you, a friend sent me an article entitled How to interpret mixed messages without going nuts!!!!!!

The bit that really stood out for me was:

It is difficult to accept sometimes that we can't know everything we want to know. You have to work with what you do know, based on your own intuitive sense of what is right. Trusting this isn't always easy, as we constantly seek validation outside of ourselves. When faced with mixed messages, the best thing you can do is work to maintain your own internal clarity and honesty. If you can say to yourself: "I am being as honest, open and direct as I can be", then after that all you can do is relax Often what fuels unhealthy communication is when two people are playing the same game. If you try your best to be clear and honest then eventually the true picture will naturally emerge.


I would contact him again, ask him what is going on and explain how you are feeling; be true to yourself. If he feels unable to speak to you or to explain in a text, suggest that he emails you.


Good luck and remember that everything will work out in the end, although often not in the way we expect.

aileth

What sort of accident did he have? I might have missed it!

System

"I know you're going through a lot at the minute (post-accident), you have my support if you need it, but right now I don't know what to do or where I stand. All I ask is that you communicate with me and talk to me."

Well you've left the door open for him to get back to you and he hasn't. Personally, i wouldn't text again but your not me.


Do what you think is right.