Heartbroken - just need to talk

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

But why would he want to control me?

There are many people who have got out of abusive relationships who ask the same question.

Because the partner was inadequate and needed to control someone else to feel better about themselves?

Because the partner was lacking in empathy and enjoyed keeping someone else off balance and insecure?

There are a myriad of reasons - stop worrying about the why and just be glad you didn't get any deeper into the relationship.

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

Some people arent happy unless they are on your mind and you are miserable.

lostinrates wrote: »

I think fewer people are consciously sadistic than like To hedge their bets, with the odds stacks as well in their favour as possible.

Hedging his bets, in case he's involved with someone else and it doesn't work out??

My friends reckon it'll bother him that he hasn't had a response, I'm sure he's surprised at any rate. No doubt he expected something.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Why does anyone get back in touch with someone after theyve ended a relationship? Could be any number of different reasons, but I bet its rarely for a positive one.

Hes selfish, hes been incredibly selfish. If you are still thinking about every little thing and the whys and what happened, he could have put you out of your misery and be done with it. But he hasnt.

You really don't have much option but to try and get him out of your system once and for all and look to the future.

I know xxx

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Again, why would he be trying to 'groom' me if he's disappeared?






Why do all that??

Hedging bets.


Plausibly possible: ( not suggesting it IS what happened but could have done)

His gf left him ( or was away .....short enough relationship for her to have been on a course, doing exams or something and there having been some tension) he met you, obviously liked you lots and had his cake. Gf comes back, he's not sure.......messy to end with her, she's 'comfy shoes'. You're laid back and new which sounds nice, but he knows those shoes, you know? Any way, he's not sure.

By leaving it so you feel 'pink barbie ego flattered' he can crawl back the martyr, thinking he made you feel good, and get you SYMPATETIC not just forgiving, so that not only do you consider it but you acede to his whims.

and if he didn't come back least he didn't bruise you pink fluffy girly heart but big you up. So he's not a bad guy and can live with him self.

purpleshoes_2

tayforth wrote: »

Hedging his bets, in case he's involved with someone else and it doesn't work out??

My friends reckon it'll bother him that he hasn't had a response, I'm sure he's surprised at any rate. No doubt he expected something.





I know xxx

He could have had an attack of conscience but isnt brave enough to come clean about his lies. Im sure hes well aware his behaviour stinks

Im not so sure about hedging his bets, given that he could be with someone else, more like an explanation he thought youd believe about him not being good enough for you.

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

You cant work out whats going on inside someones head. Some people are emotionally immature, tell lies and don't behave well when they are ending relationships.

I would hazard a guess that he was so full on with you so early the only way he could end it was by saying Ive had a bash on the head and lost my mind as if he rocked up at your door one day saying I dont love you anymore, it would make him look ridiculous.

Looks ridiculous either way, but he must have thought you'd believe him about the accident.

Yes, I suppose that's possible.

Mojisola wrote: »

There are many people who have got out of abusive relationships who ask the same question.

Because the partner was inadequate and needed to control someone else to feel better about themselves?

Because the partner was lacking in empathy and enjoyed keeping someone else off balance and insecure?

There are a myriad of reasons - stop worrying about the why and just be glad you didn't get any deeper into the relationship.

My ex-H wanted to control me, but the only way he could see himself keeping control was to be in a relationship with me. I don't get why anyone would have any reason to exert control over someone they're no longer with (especially when they've been the one to walk away). Perhaps I'm really naive!

lostinrates wrote: »

Hedging bets.


Plausibly possible: ( not suggesting it IS what happened but could have done)

His gf left him ( or was away .....short enough relationship for her to have been on a course, doing exams or something and there having been some tension) he met you, obviously liked you lots and had his cake. Gf comes back, he's not sure.......messy to end with her, she's 'comfy shoes'. You're laid back and new which sounds nice, but he knows those shoes, you know? Any way, he's not sure.

By leaving it so you feel 'pink barbie ego flattered' he can crawl back the martyr, thinking he made you feel good, and get you SYMPATETIC not just forgiving, so that not only do you consider it but you acede to his whims.

and if he didn't come back least he didn't bruise you pink fluffy girly heart but big you up. So he's not a bad guy and can live with him self.

Wow.

That's pretty insane. His text was incredibly long (the longest text I've ever read, and I've had some esays in my time), and very self-flagellating. I wonder if even he thinks that it was a bit much??

In any case, I won't be easing his conscience by replying.

purpleshoes_2

Of course people try and keep control over people theyve finished with. Even if they arent doing it intentionally. You might get people who end things with someone who still have feelings for them. Might not want them to date someone else, might try and be friends. Lots of people end relationships with others and still have a degree of control, if only because they know the person they ended things with still has feelings for them.

Im sure I said earlier in the thread, sometimes the people who treat us badly are harder to get over than the relationships that just fizzle out.

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

My ex-H wanted to control me, but the only way he could see himself keeping control was to be in a relationship with me. I don't get why anyone would have any reason to exert control over someone they're no longer with (especially when they've been the one to walk away). Perhaps I'm really naive!

But he was expecting you to rush back to him after the last email.

Years ago, I got dumped by someone I really liked and had a horrible time getting over it. Later on, a mutual friend told me how upset the ex had been. When I said "But he ended it", he said "But he didn't think you'd accept that and keep coming back again and again until he took you back". Apparently, it really upset him that I didn't pursue him.

At the time, I didn't even realise people played those sort of control games!

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

He could have had an attack of conscience but isnt brave enough to come clean about his lies. Im sure hes well aware his behaviour stinks

Im not so sure about hedging his bets, given that he could be with someone else, more like an explanation he thought youd believe about him not being good enough for you.

Yes, I'm sure he knows me well enough to realise that I'm unlikely to believe what he wrote. If I'm so intelligent and all.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Of course people try and keep control over people theyve finished with. Even if they arent doing it intentionally. You might get people who end things with someone who still have feelings for them. Might not want them to date someone else, might try and be friends. Lots of people end relationships with others and still have a degree of control, if only because they know the person they ended things with still has feelings for them.

Im sure I said earlier in the thread, sometimes the people who treat us badly are harder to get over than the relationships that just fizzle out.

This is true.

As for him not wanting me to date anyone else, that's laughable.

Mojisola wrote: »

But he was expecting you to rush back to him after the last email.

Years ago, I got dumped by someone I really liked and had a horrible time getting over it. Later on, a mutual friend told me how upset the ex had been. When I said "But he ended it", he said "But he didn't think you'd accept that and keep coming back again and again until he took you back". Apparently, it really upset him that I didn't pursue him.

At the time, I didn't even realise people played those sort of control games!

:eek: That's crazy, Mojisola.

The more I think about it, the more I think that he did expect me to come rushing back after that text. Probably to refute all of it - "Oh, that's not true, of course you're good enough for me, I love you..." So then he could either (1) take up with me again for a while, or (2) get the pleasure of dumping me for real?

"Look, I didn't mean all that stuff, I was too cowardly to say that I don't want to be with you any more but since you can't take a hint, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANY MORE."

purpleshoes_2

I think its far more likely that there was or is someone else on the scene. If someone wanted to end a relationship they dont need to invent car crashes and go awol.

Slinky

My Dad told me something he'd heard once which I thought was very true.

Do not allow this person to live rent-free in your mind for the rest of your life.

Would appear to apply in this situation. Hard though it is, when thoughts come, try and think of something, anything else. Delete his number. Delete that text. Throw away whatever it was he left at your house and try not to waste another thought on him.

Ask the moderators to close this thread and allow yourself to heal......