Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Hello

Sorry I didn't finish replying to you all, I just got a bit tired.

The weekend was filled with distractions, I am trying my very best to keep busy. Despite this, I am still thinking about it all. Not sure whether it's better to suppress such thoughts or let them run their course?

I still haven't replied. It's hard not to, but I think my resolve/willpower is getting stronger.

Robinette wrote: »

Regardless of whether the content of the text is genuine, what comes across most for me is the negativity. People are either radiators (happy, positive people who radiate warmth) or drains (downbeat, negative people who drain your energy). Surround yourself with radiators and you won't go far wrong.

Thanks, Robinette. That's a good point, you're right xxx

jozxyqk wrote: »

At least we know what he's been doing for the last month. Composing that pile of !!!!!.

I agree with the others, don't reply. It's just mind games - fortunately you're smart enough to see through them.

It's probably none of my business, but how old is this person? He comes across as very immature.

Thanks, jozxyqk. He's old enough not be immature.

his_missus wrote: »

Personally Tay, I would not respond to the text and would delete it so I couldn't keep reading it and trying to read things into it.

if I were to reply I would tell him that his behaviour had hurt me and that I felt I'd be unable to trust him again meaning there's no future for us.

He sounds very insecure and if he's behaving like this now (so early into a relationship) this insecure behaviour is likely to continue and increase.
Alternatively, he could just be trying to flatter you and make you feel sympathy for him which would suggest he's a bit of a control freak playing mind games - this behaviour is likely to continue.

Only know you really know exactly what your heart and head are telling you though.

Thank you.

My heart misses him.

My head says: be very careful.

tayforth

Top_Girl wrote: »

So it seemed like you were out and lo and behold, he tries to drag you back in.

It doesn't take a month to make that decision or to tell you if he has.

Run for your life Tay. You do not need this kind of headfluck.

Thanks, Top Girl. My friend said the same thing. That he's trying to drag me back in/make sure that I don't forget about him. What I don't understand is, why would he do that? He didn't need to send that text. I wasn't contacting him, I was just leaving him alone.

How are things with you? xx

purpleshoes wrote: »

I absolutely agree. Immature. The text is a pile of gorgonzola. And no apology for what he's put her through, its all me me me.

Run for the hills, this is not a decent human being.

You're right, purpleshoes. No apology in there xx

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I don't think you need a project. If you do, try cross stitch or furniture assembly.

Thanks, BrassicWoman. That made me smile xx

tayforth

alias*alibi wrote: »

I do understand; I also came here to talk when I was going through a terrible time but it's now 475 posts about a man she only saw for about a month. I'm sorry if it comes across harsh but I really don't get it. Life's too short to mope about a 4 week fling that went sour.

Edited to say after reading his text Tayforth is better off out of it and should use it as a line in the sand and move forward because he sounds like a right as$wipe.

purpleshoes wrote: »

I dont think it was a fling as far as the OP was concerned. If it were, she might not be hurting as much as she seems to be at the moment.

Almost two months, plus another 2-3 weeks when (in hindsight) it was over, but he was stringing me along. But who's counting?

It wasn't a fling for me, and he said the same - in fact, he was far more vocal about his feelings than I was. I know now that either he didn't mean it, or he changed his mind.

CH27 wrote: »

Bloody hell Tay you've had a lucky escape.
He's full of bulltish & that text is all about him. Selfish git!

I hope you're not going to reply?

Thanks, CH27. No, I haven't replied xxx

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

My friend said the same thing. That he's trying to drag me back in/make sure that I don't forget about him. What I don't understand is, why would he do that? He didn't need to send that text. I wasn't contacting him, I was just leaving him alone.

Power and control.

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

My friend said the same thing. That he's trying to drag me back in/make sure that I don't forget about him. What I don't understand is, why would he do that?

Mojisola wrote: »

Power and control.

Exactly. The grass looks (but rarely is) greener. Perhaps he got found out, or had a close call, and his current relationship suddenly looks rosy and perfect again. A few weeks of domestic bliss and he starts getting bored, puts the feelers out.

tayforth

tesuhoha wrote: »

Well it sounds to me like he is ending it - in a cowardly way by saying you are too good for him. Whatever the reason he has treated you cruelly and I think he has now proved to you that he is not the man you thought he was. Tayforth he is not worth your tears. He has deceived you and played with you.

It would be very good if you sent him a text saying, you're right, you are not good enough for me so p!ss off. But I suppose it is better to ignore him.

How do you feel about it?

Thank you, tesuhoha.

I feel that it's flattering on the surface, but actually very hurtful. I'm not so shallow as to judge anyone on the things he describes, and he knows that.

One of my friends said the same thing as you - that I should reply saying: "You're right, you're not good enough for me. I would never treat someone so carelessly as you've treated me." But for now I just want to leave it be and not reply. There are a million things I want to say to him, and at the same time I can't face saying anything.

Has your daughter made a decision yet about her BF? xx

purpleshoes wrote: »

Sometimes people show their good side for a while and then you hit a bump in the road and you find out who they really are. My concern is, you were in this limbo for a while, then worked out it was over, then you got that ridiculous text and you don't seem to be feeling much better.

I know it takes time. Sometimes the people who treat us worst are the hardest to let go of because you are having to let go of the pain as well.

I read back your other thread today, you sounded so happy and positive even before you met this man.

Are you going to allow this idiot to destroy everything you've worked towards over the last year?

Thanks, purpleshoes. Yes, I suppose this text has stirred up a lot of emotions.

You're right, I was happy and positive. And I need to try to get back to that. Which is why I'm glad I started this new thread - I didn't want this episode to be part of my original thread. I want to deal with it, move on and get back to the way I was xxx

pinkladyof66 wrote: »

omg i have read every post this evening and this man is talking bullsh1t sorry.. he has either met someone else, marrried or doesnt give a damn i met many of these type of men before. DO NOT respond... leave it like that delete his number... do not give him the satisfaction of a reply... He will then forever wonder if you read the text or whatever...

Please do not contact him he is an @sshole... there are quite alot of men out there like him i met many when i was divorced.. however it took me 10 years to find my hubbie, it aint all perfect but life is far happier for me now and it will come to you too.

Tay

Thank you, pinkladyof66. I suppose I do want to leave him wondering. I don't want him to know how much he's hurt me xxx

spirit

Mojisola wrote: »

Power and control.

..and you've had enough of that with your ex and don't need it with anyone else now or in the future.

lostinrates

Tay I haven't been around much and probably won't be hanging about much but I actually don't think its even that personally flattering.

I thought it read like something 'grooming' for sucking someone in, conciously or not.

Nasty, nasty.

More fool you should you fall for this in a second and subsequent relationships after your marriage IMO. In equitable relationships we love and are loved love including flaws, not because they/we are perfect or flawless. While its kinda cute to feel 'lucky' in having the heart of someone amazing, IMO its controlling to use it to browbeat them into guilt or submission.

Flattering? I suppose so, in the way magpies like shiny things, whether they are diamonds or just cheap bits of broken mirror. Learn to love diamonds. Or at least things prettier than broken glass!

purpleshoes_2

You started this thread almost 4 weeks ago and you hadnt seen him for a couple of weeks before that, so that's already 6 full weeks of your life that hes affected.

How are you feeling now compared to when you started this thread?

tayforth

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

Tayforth I want to ask when you read the text what was your gut instinct? I mean did you read and think oh what a shame how sincere and thoughtful of him or did you think what a load of old codswallop? just curious as to how If you are beginning to see what the majority can or if you still have your slightly rose tinted glasses on!

When I read it properly, my gut instinct was: these are a lot of fine words, but they actually make me sound really superficial. I'm not the person he's describing and he knows that. If he really has such deep insecurities, he's projecting them onto me in this text.

Or else he's just trying to ease his own conscience because he's met someone else.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Or she could be trying to get over him. I sincerely hope so. When the Op first posted this thread, I thought its very possible he has someone else, then I thought maybe not, but as soon as I read the part of the text, I thought hes either married, lives with someone or has gone back to an ex.

The stopping contact suddenly, the big pile of waffle about the accident that never was and the panic attack that never was as well and that whole its not you its me text. If someone's love is genuine they dont just fall out of it in a week.

He's had to stop contact, pretty sure of that. A complete insincere cheeseball of a person.

Thanks, purpleshoes. Do you really think that he's had to stop contact?

duchy wrote: »

My feeling is your instincts that he was looking for a proper relationship were correct -but I do wonder if he had "unfinished business" with another relationship. The fact despite appearing to grow close quickly emotionally you've implied he was in no rush to to "take it to the next level" says to me he wasn't messing you about - but was trying to move on -but whatever he was trying to move on from is back in his life. He may have the daft idea that "not hurting you" by telling you he's "rejecting you" for someone else is easier on you than honesty -Which shows he doesn't have the maturity you are looking for in a relationship.

I do think this text can give you closure if you allow it to. Not because of what he said - but because of the tone of it -as it tells you what he's like and how he actually doesn't "get you" or understand what you are looking for. I do think he didn't know how to tell you- and didn't have the answers to questions like "How could you change your mind so quickly" without looking/feeling like a total twonk.

I promise you in six months time you'll look back and realise what a lucky escape you had not to waste any more time on him than you did.

Thank you, duchy.

Yes, I've thought a lot about why he withdrew when we were about to take things further. It doesn't seem like the behaviour of a user; surely he would have stuck around just long enough to get what he wanted? (I'm glad that he didn't, fwiw)

The rest of your suggestion is very possibly true xx