Heartbroken - just need to talk

rigtown

thank you Fbaby
I always envy the people that can get over break ups so easily.
but you are right , it does get better with time ...

sulphate

Hugs.... I haven't read the whole thread (sorry) but just wanted to recommend the book "its called a breakup because its broken". I've been through two really bad break ups and bought it just after the second one, wish I'd had it for the first one too. Although it does have some stuff about "meeting your soulmate" (which I don't believe in) the rest of it was useful.

terra_ferma

JadedAngel88 wrote: »

I have read your post from the start and just wanted to share this with you. I wont bore you with the details of my wonderful ex, but now 6 months on I'm glad he dumped me again. Give yourself time to grieve, it doesnt matter how long the relationship was, but set a time limit, then go and enjoy your life. I wish you the best and you will find the one for you, when the time is right xxx

When something similar happened to me he had disappeared because he had met his future wife. After a while he called me to tell me, not even being nice about it, but rubbing it in.
He'd met us more or less at the same time and he needed to choose, obviously he made the right choice because they are still married and have kids. It was the right choice for me because he was not the right person for me, and I would not have been happy as I am now with my current partner.

I think that believing he's still thinking about you while he could well be seeing someone else is not helpful, you can only make decisions based on the information you have, which is that he's not calling you. Even if the above is true, he'd still be someone I would not want to be with, I like people who know what they want, not those who once you have fallen for them start having doubts and are unsure about the relationship, better now than later.

tayforth

Hello all

I've just spent the weekend at my mum's, didn't do much but it was good to see her and have a change of scene for a couple of days. I've been reading your kind words (thank you) but haven't been up to posting. I'm trying my best to move on, and there are moments when I feel as though I will get there... but it's one step forward, three steps back at the moment.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

I don't think tayforth has done anything wrong, and I think you are right to draw distinction between 'putting up barriers' and 'learning and growing'.

That's not to say though, that things cannot be changed for future relationships and how WE approach others in the future cannot change.

Barriers aren't necessarily bad things. Boundaries are important things in many cases. Physically they can prevent trespass or disease. Emotionally they can determine when is right to open the gateway 'inside' our reserves.

Its not that its NEVER right to get close or trust or have faith, its learning to recognise where is right for us to lay that belief.


I feel, and I feel though we approach this different, what I read in your posts, is its not really about the other guy. Its about tayforth from here on in. Recognising her worth, where she can learn but not berating herself. Growth, development and not looking back ( learning not to look back even maybe?) Is that right, or am I misinterpreting you?


Untrusting, is a negative connotation, but protection isn't. We'd think anyone who didn't protect themselves from STDs rather stupid.

Thank you, LIR. That does make sense about the barriers. Perhaps I need to protect myself more in the future.

Robinette wrote: »

There is an interesting quote by Socrates: 'Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.'

This also makes sense, Robinette. Thank you.

Primrose wrote: »

I just wish I knew who he was so that I could give him a thoroughly good thrashing and talking to, and tell him to contact you and give you an honest explanation for his silence so that at least you wouldn't be left in doubt any longer.
Whatever else he may have been, an honourable person he is not or he would have had the courage to do the right thing. When you are going through all the good things about him in your head Tay, remind yourself about that and tell yourself you deserve to be have been treated like the lady you are. And hold your head high because of it.

Thanks for the lovely post Primrose, you're very kind indeed. I wish that he would explain too, but I can't force him to.

tayforth

tesuhoha wrote: »

Tayforth, I'm going to say to you what I said to my daughter earlier.

A bit of back story, she had a relationship with a guy for 4 years. Broke up with him over a year ago. Since then they have been texting each other, bickering all the time, he's being saying abusive things to her to bring her down and he plays mind games with her. No matter how bad he is or how long it goes on for she doesn't seem able to get over him.

I said to her that she has to make a big decision. She has to accept that it is over. She said but I can't stop thinking about him. I said well you can think about him as much as you like, you can be as sad and sorry and nostalgic and melancholy about him as you like but in your head you must accept that it is over. There is no going back because too much damage has been done to ever again have a good relationship with this person.

And I think that is what you have to do. Accept in your head that it is over. You thought you could trust him and it turned out that you couldn't and would never be able to again. There would always be that element of will he do it again even if he came back now. So accept that there can be no relationship and that he probably was not worth it. You need someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you. You have to really, but really let go - let go of all the hope. Its the hope that is making you feel bad.

So let go of him and realise that if he came back now it would not be good enough for you. He has failed you. He will never be special because someone that special would never let you down the way he has. Accept that you wanted the guy you thought he was, not the one he actually is. Be sad but try to stop agonising the what ifs.

Thank you, tesuhoha. You're very wise.

Yes, it is the hope that's making me feel bad. The tiny flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he will get in touch again, and there'll be an explanation for all of this.

That, and the thoughts of how things were at the beginning.

I miss that so much. I was so happy.

I hope that your daughter heeds your words xx

Judi wrote: »

More wise words.

Hope your ok Tay.:):):)

Thank you, Judi xxxx

justme111 wrote: »

I think this discussion misses a very relevant point which I mentioned before. At a risk of sounding politically incorrect I will bring it again - the man in.question supposedly had a panic attack bad enough to make it impossible for him to get home unaided - there would be seriously wrong something with him , what talking and explanations are you on about , if someone can not face the stress of saying "hi" to a till assistant for example someone is ill , I would not expect that one to be selfaware and strong enough to talk to a woman he upset , he seems to need medical help , not dating !

TBH, I'm not sure what to believe and what not to believe any more.

The fact that he cut off all contact the day after the supposed panic attack makes me think that perhaps it was a last-ditch lie/excuse. Otherwise, surely he would have been in touch even once? Even by text?

msb5262

Hi Tayforth,
I've been following this thread all along as I "know" you from your previous one. It looks as if you're right in your last post...sorry to have to say that but it's the only answer that makes sense. I hope you will start to feel better soon.
Love from MsB x

tayforth

duchy wrote: »

I think it is very true - you are regretting the loss of the man you thought he was .................. but if he turned up tomorrow with a story about how sorry he was....how he'd made a mistake and was sorry......and you did take him back- that little voice inside you would always be reminding you he treated you like your blossoming relationship was disposable and you'd never fully trust him again (plus you'd know that he knew that he could treat you badly and you'd forgive him and he'd get away with it)

Regret that he wasn't who you thought he was........regret he wasn't man enough to talk to you and explain why he was ending the relationship -every person has their faults- some are forgivable and others simply make a relationship impossible. In time you'll feel relieved you discovered his flaws before you got in any deeper-whilst getting to that point you just need to keep busy whilst you wait for the pain to ease- as it surely will.

Thank you, duchy. I know that I should be thankful that I found out early. I know deep down that there is unlikely to be a reasonable explanation. And I know that I could not take the risk of being even more hurt even if he did contact me again.

I will try to keep busy xx

Robinette wrote: »

This is so true. I went through a similar situation last year, then earlier this year he came back with his tail between his legs. I met up with him but didn't recognise the person I saw; his inner ugliness made him ugly on the outside too, although before I had found him incredibly attractive. I can honestly say that he is not somebody I would want in my life in any capacity, and I suspect that Tay would feel the same way if she was to see her ex again. Beauty really does come from within.

What did you say to him, Robinette? What persuaded you to meet up with him? Were you glad in the end that any attraction you had for him fell away?

This makes me wish that he would get in touch again (when I am feeling stronger), and that I could have the same experience.

tayforth

sulphate wrote: »

Hugs.... I haven't read the whole thread (sorry) but just wanted to recommend the book "its called a breakup because its broken". I've been through two really bad break ups and bought it just after the second one, wish I'd had it for the first one too. Although it does have some stuff about "meeting your soulmate" (which I don't believe in) the rest of it was useful.

Thank you for the recommendation, sulphate. I'm sorry that you went through all that, I hope that this book helped you. What was the most important message you learned from it?

Thanks for the hugs as well xxx

COMPETITIONFANATIC wrote: »

Have you read the book 'Act like a Lady, Think like a man' by Steve Harvey This should have the answers you need when its comes to men and women,


I would also recommend The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and Men are from Mars Women are from Venus . I also found How to get your Ex back by Kimberley Hunter and Ryan Morris very helpful too. Sounds Strange but Reading can really help you Their is a part in the book that tells you about the 90 day rule ie don't get intimate with a man until 90 days of dating and or he is treating you like you feel loved and cared for that way you wont get too emotionally involved or hurt . Good Luck

Thank you.

I did read The Rules once, I couldn't really get my head around it. I've never been one for chasing a man, but I felt that The Rules encouraged game-playing. I hope that this doesn't offend anyone who liked it; if so, I am sorry.

I will have a look at the others you recommended.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

None of these books will contain any justifiable explanation for treating someone the way this man did Tay. Alleged gender differences are never an excuse for either gender treating someone with such distain and callous disrespect.
And some of these books are just complete B***ks anyway, totally aimed at women adapting their behaviour to please a man.
And believe me, people can get just as hurt whether they sleep together within 90 days or not.

Thank you, Brighton belle. You're right, this kind of behaviour is not specific to one gender.

That's sort of what I meant. I want to be loved for me. Changing my personality to attract someone might also mean that I attract someone I don't really want.

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

Yes, it is the hope that's making me feel bad. The tiny flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he will get in touch again, and there'll be an explanation for all of this.

That, and the thoughts of how things were at the beginning.

I miss that so much. I was so happy.

xx

Except that in hindsight, your happiness was based on an illusion of who you thought he was based on the little info he gave you.

Glad you had a good weekend with your family, distractions are good for you at the moment IMHO

xx