Heartbroken - just need to talk

tesuhoha

Tayforth, I'm going to say to you what I said to my daughter earlier.

A bit of back story, she had a relationship with a guy for 4 years. Broke up with him over a year ago. Since then they have been texting each other, bickering all the time, he's being saying abusive things to her to bring her down and he plays mind games with her. No matter how bad he is or how long it goes on for she doesn't seem able to get over him.

I said to her that she has to make a big decision. She has to accept that it is over. She said but I can't stop thinking about him. I said well you can think about him as much as you like, you can be as sad and sorry and nostalgic and melancholy about him as you like but in your head you must accept that it is over. There is no going back because too much damage has been done to ever again have a good relationship with this person.

And I think that is what you have to do. Accept in your head that it is over. You thought you could trust him and it turned out that you couldn't and would never be able to again. There would always be that element of will he do it again even if he came back now. So accept that there can be no relationship and that he probably was not worth it. You need someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you. You have to really, but really let go - let go of all the hope. Its the hope that is making you feel bad.

So let go of him and realise that if he came back now it would not be good enough for you. He has failed you. He will never be special because someone that special would never let you down the way he has. Accept that you wanted the guy you thought he was, not the one he actually is. Be sad but try to stop agonising the what ifs.

System

And I think that is what you have to do. Accept in your head that it is over. You thought you could trust him and it turned out that you couldn't and would never be able to again. There would always be that element of will he do it again even if he came back now. So accept that there can be no relationship and that he probably was not worth it. You need someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you. You have to really, but really let go - let go of all the hope. Its the hope that is making you feel bad.

More wise words.

Hope your ok Tay.:):):)

duchy

I think it is very true - you are regretting the loss of the man you thought he was .................. but if he turned up tomorrow with a story about how sorry he was....how he'd made a mistake and was sorry......and you did take him back- that little voice inside you would always be reminding you he treated you like your blossoming relationship was disposable and you'd never fully trust him again (plus you'd know that he knew that he could treat you badly and you'd forgive him and he'd get away with it)

Regret that he wasn't who you thought he was........regret he wasn't man enough to talk to you and explain why he was ending the relationship -every person has their faults- some are forgivable and others simply make a relationship impossible. In time you'll feel relieved you discovered his flaws before you got in any deeper-whilst getting to that point you just need to keep busy whilst you wait for the pain to ease- as it surely will.

Robinette

duchy wrote: »

Regret that he wasn't who you thought he was........regret he wasn't man enough to talk to you and explain why he was ending the relationship -every person has their faults- some are forgivable and others simply make a relationship impossible. In time you'll feel relieved you discovered his flaws before you got in any deeper-whilst getting to that point you just need to keep busy whilst you wait for the pain to ease- as it surely will.

This is so true. I went through a similar situation last year, then earlier this year he came back with his tail between his legs. I met up with him but didn't recognise the person I saw; his inner ugliness made him ugly on the outside too, although before I had found him incredibly attractive. I can honestly say that he is not somebody I would want in my life in any capacity, and I suspect that Tay would feel the same way if she was to see her ex again. Beauty really does come from within.

Primrose

I just wish I knew who he was so that I could give him a thoroughly good thrashing and talking to, and tell him to contact you and give you an honest explanation for his silence so that at least you wouldn't be left in doubt any longer.
Whatever else he may have been, an honourable person he is not or he would have had the courage to do the right thing. When you are going through all the good things about him in your head Tay, remind yourself about that and tell yourself you deserve to be have been treated like the lady you are. And hold your head high because of it.

COMPETITIONFANATIC

Have you read the book 'Act like a Lady, Think like a man' by Steve Harvey This should have the answers you need when its comes to men and women,


I would also recommend The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and Men are from Mars Women are from Venus . I also found How to get your Ex back by Kimberley Hunter and Ryan Morris very helpful too. Sounds Strange but Reading can really help you Their is a part in the book that tells you about the 90 day rule ie don't get intimate with a man until 90 days of dating and or he is treating you like you feel loved and cared for that way you wont get too emotionally involved or hurt . Good Luck

Brighton_belle

COMPETITIONFANATIC wrote: »

Have you read the book 'Act like a Lady, Think like a man' by Steve Harvey This should have the answers you need when its comes to men and women,


I would also recommend The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and Men are from Mars Women are from Venus . I also found How to get your Ex back by Kimberley Hunter and Ryan Morris very helpful too. Sounds Strange but Reading can really help you Their is a part in the book that tells you about the 90 day rule ie don't get intimate with a man until 90 days of dating and or he is treating you like you feel loved and cared for that way you wont get too emotionally involved or hurt . Good Luck

None of these books will contain any justifiable explanation for treating someone the way this man did Tay. Alleged gender differences are never an excuse for either gender treating someone with such distain and callous disrespect.
And some of these books are just complete B***ks anyway, totally aimed at women adapting their behaviour to please a man.
And believe me, people can get just as hurt whether they sleep together within 90 days or not.

rigtown

Hi Tay
I'd like to share with you. I am a single dad that went through a painful break up many years ago; got over it. I had a happy single life for many years just me and the children, until they went to university. That’s when I thought it was time to think about myself and meet someone. And here I am feelling the same heartbreak and full of hurt. I know from past experiences that it will fade, life will go on and eventually you won't even care! It hard to believe that it could be like that, because the feelings are very strong, you miss them so much, the feelings of rejection are so depressing. But you do get better.
But saying that does not help me at the moment. I feel heartbroken and depressed again! The woman I fell in love with, dumped me for another man with more to offer. The days are long and the nights even longer. I can't stop thinking about her. It is so painful to see her laughing with another man. The loss is hard to bear. There are only two things I wish for: either she realises that I'm the love of her life or I forget her as quickly as possible. Sadly neither is happening.


Anyway Tay : this helped a little! ( I cant post a link )
youtube .. ..How To Deal With A Break Up - WHY They Broke Up With You
by Noah Elkrief

and this is also interesting
his video on ... The 7 Things We Mistake To Be Love

justme111

Primrose wrote: »

I just wish I knew who he was so that I could give him a thoroughly good thrashing and talking to, and tell him to contact you and give you an honest explanation for his silence so that at least you wouldn't be left in doubt any longer

I think this discussion misses a very relevant point which I mentioned before. At a risk of sounding politically incorrect I will bring it again - the man in.question supposedly had a panic attack bad enough to make it impossible for him to get home unaided - there would be seriously wrong something with him , what talking and explanations are you on about , if someone can not face the stress of saying "hi" to a till assistant for example someone is ill , I would not expect that one to be selfaware and strong enough to talk to a woman he upset , he seems to need medical help , not dating !

FBaby

Sorry you got hurt too rigtown, your post shows that the pain of heartbreak is not gender specific. It is something some people experience more intensely than others (supposedly like giving birth ) and some people take longer to get over it than others. Some needs an explanation to move on, some rather not. Some cope better in company, others being left alone.

It's a personal experience, but the one thing that almost everyone get in common is that we do get over it at some point and move on with life when we are ready to do so.