Heartbroken - just need to talk

Kayalana99

justme111 wrote: »

What strikes me in both Tay's story and in the last post's one that women don't talk about good character qualities in those men but when describing what they liked about them say how they felt wanted and comfortable with them - the impression of which does not take much t create - loads of compliments , agreeing to everything and a woman thinks it is nice and sometimes thinks he wants her so.much and thinks she is out of his.league that. she is safe with him.
I thinks its a mistake although very understandable , a woman should go for a man not.because he.pursues her and how he.makes her feel but because she sees good qualities in him not related to him impressing her.

I'm not very good at getting my point across and tend to come out with a bit of rubbish but I'll try anyway..

I think what Justme has said is spot on, I had a boyfriend in which it lasted a whole three weeks...different situation as such as he fell head over heels in love with me after a few days...became a tad obsessed but then all the reasons you just said Tay that could of been him, he said he loved me showed me how much he cared about me ...he literally would of done anything for me, but I broke it off because as much as I loved the way he made me feel...loved cared for etc...I realised he didn't actually know me at all & I didn't want that...I wanted the type of relationship that we were both equals and I felt like he loved the idea of me rather then ..me if that makes sense?

The fact is people don't always know what they want and then something new and shiny comes along and they think yes I want this...the rush the feelings the emotion... then something else happens and the 'new shiny' thing is no longer new and shiny...so they move onto the next thing.

You've been so strong Tay if it was me I would of caved by now...if only to find out the reason why I would of text / called / gone round and seen him just to get the truth.

justme111

JoW123 wrote: »

Yes I completely agree, but at the time I met my ex I was in a vulnerable place as I think Tay was after leaving her abusive husband. It's a lot easier to be manipulated without realising it when you aren't at your best. No man would ever do it to me now, but I've taken a long time to recover and been on my own for nearly five years. I know what I want in a man now, but it's not easy to find one.

Absolutely. The mote vulnerable one is the mote likely he/she to go for someone for wrong reasons and it does not work.
But : beware , now you are at a stage where you think you know what you want , you may well later realise that you are not that sure anymore and open to discovery , life tends to play tricks on.people who know what they want

tayforth

curlygirl1971 wrote: »

Sounds like a step forward Tayforth. Hope you get a good nights sleep.

Thanks very much, curlygirl1971 xxx

JoW123 wrote: »

Do you know your third paragraph reminds me of my ex when we started seeing each other. I only wanted to be friends but he persued me with vigour promised he wanted all the same things, he could make me happy, was very full on, sending me daily letters, ringing me etc. We got together and had two children and I cannot begin to tell you the lies he told to cover up his gambling, past, debts etc. A year after we split I was still finding out more. Two years ago I watched him do it to another woman, which was pretty horrible. The day he left he told his sister 'one door closes, another opens' after 9 years and 2 children together. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't me, it was him. This is how he is and its his pattern. He won't change, and accepting that has really helped me to deal we the contact I have with him because of the children.


I think you were unlucky enough to meet someone similar. You have to accept that as part of moving on. You trusted what you were told because you are a good person. That is not wrong. Unfortunately not everyone is like that and just be a bit more cautious next time.


Oh and by the way, this is my ex, not the supposed good friend I spoke about in my earlier post. I can't half pick 'em.......

Oh my goodness. How awful of this man to lie to you and to put your (and your children's) financial stability at risk. I'm sure it was horrible at the time, how are you now?

tayforth

justme111 wrote: »

What strikes me in both Tay's story and in the last post's one that women don't talk about good character qualities in those men but when describing what they liked about them say how they felt wanted and comfortable with them - the impression of which does not take much t create - loads of compliments , agreeing to everything and a woman thinks it is nice and sometimes thinks he wants her so.much and thinks she is out of his.league that. she is safe with him.
I thinks its a mistake although very understandable , a woman should go for a man not.because he.pursues her and how he.makes her feel but because she sees good qualities in him not related to him impressing her.

Two of the guys I went on first dates with in the last few months also showed me a lot of attention, pursued me, told me how amazing I was, one even sent me a gift after our first date (!)... I wasn't taken in by their flattery and attention because I wasn't interested in them.

This guy was different. He seemed kind, down to earth, modest, decent, well-mannered. I fell for his qualities, not his pursuit of me. Even if he'd been more restrained and taken things more slowly, I still would have fallen for him.

JoW123 wrote: »

Yes I completely agree, but at the time I met my ex I was in a vulnerable place as I think Tay was after leaving her abusive husband. It's a lot easier to be manipulated without realising it when you aren't at your best. No man would ever do it to me now, but I've taken a long time to recover and been on my own for nearly five years. I know what I want in a man now, but it's not easy to find one.

This is possibly true.

But, if anything, I feel even more vulnerable now.

By the time we split, I was relieved to be away from my ex-H, I had no feelings towards him at all.

I'm heartbroken over this guy.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I'm not very good at getting my point across and tend to come out with a bit of rubbish but I'll try anyway..

I think what Justme has said is spot on, I had a boyfriend in which it lasted a whole three weeks...different situation as such as he fell head over heels in love with me after a few days...became a tad obsessed but then all the reasons you just said Tay that could of been him, he said he loved me showed me how much he cared about me ...he literally would of done anything for me, but I broke it off because as much as I loved the way he made me feel...loved cared for etc...I realised he didn't actually know me at all & I didn't want that...I wanted the type of relationship that we were both equals and I felt like he loved the idea of me rather then ..me if that makes sense?

The fact is people don't always know what they want and then something new and shiny comes along and they think yes I want this...the rush the feelings the emotion... then something else happens and the 'new shiny' thing is no longer new and shiny...so they move onto the next thing.

You've been so strong Tay if it was me I would of caved by now...if only to find out the reason why I would of text / called / gone round and seen him just to get the truth.

Thank you, Kayalana99.

I don't feel strong at all. I want to know the truth, so badly. I don't know how I've managed to get this far without contacting him. It's so hard.

tayforth

justme111 wrote: »

Absolutely. The mote vulnerable one is the mote likely he/she to go for someone for wrong reasons and it does not work.
But : beware , now you are at a stage where you think you know what you want , you may well later realise that you are not that sure anymore and open to discovery , life tends to play tricks on.people who know what they want

Thank you, justme111.

Top_Girl

tayforth wrote: »

I don't feel strong at all. I want to know the truth, so badly. I don't know how I've managed to get this far without contacting him. It's so hard.

Tayforth, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the truth is that he doesn't care, because if he did, you'd have had at least an attempt at an explanation by now.

That's all you need to know.

You have been strong and you need to continue to be so. Keep hold of your self respect and make your way through this. It will pass x

lostinrates

Top_Girl wrote: »

Tayforth, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the truth is that he doesn't care, because if he did, you'd have had at least an attempt at an explanation by now.

That's all you need to know.

You have been strong and you need to continue to be so. Keep hold of your self respect and make your way through this. It will pass x

Yes.

The thing is. There is no happy ending at this stage. It was all a big mistake the heart hopes, right? Something has gone wrong? Well why didn't he put it right...he could call, or knock on your door.

What he tells you will never BE a whole truth, people rarely work so. He might well believe it, that's different. But, doesn't help you.

FBaby

I thinks its a mistake although very understandable , a woman should go for a man not.because he.pursues her and how he.makes her feel but because she sees good qualities in him not related to him impressing her.

To go for these, you need to get the chance to know the person, so if during that time you get to know him, he is all complimentary and charming and nice, what do you do? Convince yourself that he is not real?

I think there is a big risk of being too guarded because you can be passing by something that is special. Again, I was in the same boat then many here when I met my OH. I can say from what I read that he was very much like Tay's guy, if not even more expressive, complimentary, and opened with his feelings, yet he was genuine and it led to the ultimate dream.

I am still convince that this man did mean what he said, did really care for Tay, did dream of something with her....but wasn't available to take it further. I think he tried to convince himself as much as Tay. I think he took the quiet route because ultimately, he couldn't cope with facing Tay and showed that he decieved her from the start.

Personally, however painful it feels now, you took a chance Tay and it could have been wonderful. Next time, it might be especially as I expect you will be more careful and making some checks from the start.

JadedAngel88

I have read your post from the start and just wanted to share this with you. I wont bore you with the details of my wonderful ex, but now 6 months on I'm glad he dumped me again. Give yourself time to grieve, it doesnt matter how long the relationship was, but set a time limit, then go and enjoy your life. I wish you the best and you will find the one for you, when the time is right xxx

tea_lover

Hi Tay, just wanted to say hello and I hope you have some lovely weekend plans. Take care of yourself.... chin up sweetie x.